All more women Lately she has been complaining that their other half is constantly silent.
And not for some reason, not after a scandal, not because he is in an offended state. But he’s just silent. My friend talks about her husband, with whom she lived for only three years. “I don’t understand, we just stopped talking. We don’t fight, I can’t say that he started treating me badly. We just stopped talking altogether. He comes home from work, kisses me on the cheek, and sits down to dinner in silence. Sometimes he doesn’t even ask how my day was. I try to stir him up with questions, but the answer is only monosyllables. Then he sits down in front of the TV or computer, and before going to bed he says, “ Good night" Tomorrow is the same as today. I don't understand what's going on. I ask if he has problems at work. The answer is no. But it seems to me that even if there were, he would not tell me. Why are we moving away?" - my friend laments. And I can understand it, since this is not the first time I have heard such a story.
This could have been avoided if we knew one thing about men. It's just different and designed differently. He doesn't need our sympathy, our words. Sometimes it’s easier for him to be rude than to open up (although for the life of me I don’t understand this!). But a fact is a fact. A man does not need to share problems left and right. He needs to think everything over, grind it out, figure out what to do, alone or with his friends. He withdraws into himself, this is a necessary state for him. In such moments of silence, it is better not to touch him, not to ask him a bunch of leading questions, not to sulk, not to accuse him of being cold, but just to wait it out. In a couple of days he will tell you everything himself, the main thing is to wait for it.
During this time, calmly go about your business, go to the salon, play with your children, communicate with your family - just don’t touch your loved one. He will digest his problems and come to you himself. And when he returns to reality and begins to share with you his conclusions about life and solving problems, do not rush to sift out and criticize everything at once. First, listen to the end and only then start discussing something. Wise women They begin to speak out only after the complete “outpouring” of their man. Moreover, they never say that all the decisions of the second half are complete nonsense. They carefully say: “Yes, dear, you’re right, so you can really solve this issue. Let’s do this and that.” The main thing for a man is that it was not in vain that he was silent for three days, that his brainstorming during this time was successful.
Of course there are different men, some never shut up at all and speak more than women - we do not take such people into account. Some women are silent because they are sulking, and they can do this for weeks. And there are simply pathological silent people from whom you can never get a word out. But I think you knew about such abilities of your man even before the wedding. We are talking about those males who fall silent occasionally, but for a long time.
I read a post about family relationships and decided to write too. We haven’t talked to my husband for a month and a half now ((Reb is a year and a half and we’re 30. We married in great love, yomayo, and we’re all so exalted of ourselves, so we don’t have scandals, we’re just silent.. for months. I’m on the verge of a breakdown already and on the next . I’ll go to the doctor this week for some anti-depressants(((
My husband is not a mean bastard at all, he helps me a lot, he takes care of the child every free minute, he is not picky in everyday life, for him I am an unearthly beauty. But he has a wonderful Ukrainian family(((WESTERN-Ukrainian(((and I’m Russian, and about this they blew my mind ((let’s become Ukrainian, speak Ukrainian, etc. Of course I don’t, I’m immediately disgusted and my parents It’s dripping on my husband’s brain; he gets angry and remains silent...for months.
The second problem is that his father is a priest and the whole family is hyper religious. Well, at least in front of parents and relatives. The husband and his brother and sister grew up in Italy and therefore are very liberated))) And my sister had sex before marriage!!)))) She'll be damned))) And his brother smokes weed)))) But the parents of all this they don’t know and are raising me, not their children (((I have to go to church, pray, etc. I often snap and my husband immediately withdraws into himself for weeks or months.
My most big problem that I was disappointed in him. You see, I came out at the age of 30 because there were ordinary men around, aggressive and vile. And he was so different, kind and real, ready to help everyone. And now he has changed a lot and has become cruel and callous, especially towards me. He sees that I drink motherwort several times a day and often cry in the bathroom, but he remains silent. Of course, I’m not an angel either, sometimes I lose my temper, bark and don’t sleep with him for weeks. He doesn’t understand how you can be as terrible as me, how you can shout at a child or answer the cashier in a store impolitely! He's trying to educate me, you know. He begins to scold me for not smiling at my neighbor or congratulating my classmate on her birthday. How this infuriates me! Yes, I’m an evil bitch, but at least I don’t pretend to be a heavenly angel, like everyone else in his family does.
I don’t know how I will live with him further. I understand that for many of you my problems will seem trivial. Just think, he doesn’t talk for months, doesn’t drink, doesn’t hit, doesn’t go out for walks. I don’t see any difference in the causes of the destruction of relationships, the main thing is the result and precisely that we live like neighbors.
I can’t imagine how I can sleep with him, he physically disgusts me ((Before, when his pimple popped up, I was already rushing and cackling, but now I don’t care. In general, we were very disappointed in each other and his family also added fuel to the fire I don’t know what to do, pretend that everything is fine, bend over and try to make peace with him? Or continue to remain silent? I don’t know what’s easier for me..
Sorry for the confusion, I’m writing and my hands are shaking ((
16.08.2003, 02:05
I'm asking for advice. I am at a dead end, I don’t know what to do, I mentally rush from one extreme to the other. The situation is this: at the beginning of June I quarreled with my husband. Immediately, without leaving the cash register, she asked him for forgiveness, since she was at fault. The result is silence that has been going on for 2 months. In my opinion, this is deeply abnormal. Sometimes you want to pack your things and leave, fortunately there is somewhere to go. What should I do? Please advise.
16.08.2003, 08:02
Some kind of childhood, damn it...
16.08.2003, 10:57
So I would have left... As I understand it: when they ask for forgiveness, they either forgive or break up. He apparently likes that you are tormented. Deprive him of this pleasure.
Did you ask for forgiveness in a sincerely repentant tone? Otherwise, my friend sometimes doesn’t forgive me right away, he pauses: he needs me to realize and feel the guilt :-)
But 2 months is, excuse me, a clinic.
16.08.2003, 11:23
what did the author do? Maybe this is something out of the ordinary in his (or everyone’s) opinion, or a little thing for which there was no need to apologize.
And leaving is not always the answer. Why should she leave her family nest? He needs to, let him roll.
I would tell him, either we live as we lived, normally, or move out, not an eyesore.
16.08.2003, 11:25
its purpose is to cause an exorbitant feeling of guilt in you. do not give in to provocation. Let him solve his problems himself, you did everything you could, you apologized and thought that this would be enough, but it’s not your fault. only his problems remained.
16.08.2003, 11:57
Perhaps, yes... But all the same, one raspberry: she will leave or he...
I am always in favor of explanations and in general I NEVER accept such tactics for sorting out relationships as silence. Like a fight. Because nothing is clear from silence, except that someone is not happy with something. In my family, I categorically do not allow my husband to treat himself like that. I immediately go somewhere, at least go to bed, but bang my head against the wall: “speak!” I won’t, because I know he won’t speak. Therefore, I would simply disappear from his field of vision immediately - let him look for me when he decides to explain himself. My nerves are dearer to me, I’m proud (???) :-)
16.08.2003, 13:51
16.08.2003, 14:01
You know, I guess that this may at least seem frivolous, but for me it is very difficult. If you don't have any constructive suggestions, then please pass by. I can give definitions myself.
16.08.2003, 14:08
In a remorseful tone? I moved on :-). He loves all bureaucracy with me - memos, reports, reports, etc. I drew up an explanatory note for him in writing (it’s good that it wasn’t in triplicate!). Despite the fact that I myself can’t stand any such bureaucracy. I went to meet him halfway, apparently in vain. It was necessary to solve the issue using traditional methods.
I can imagine what it looks like from the outside, yeah...
16.08.2003, 14:14
I'm inclined to leave already. My son will come from his grandmother, I’ll talk to him and maybe pack my things. The apartment where we live now is large, a very good place - you can let the children go for a walk alone and not be afraid that anything will happen to them (well, not counting the fact that they fall down a slide or something like that) , it was bought during marriage, that is, I can’t say that this is only his apartment, although, of course, I don’t contribute money to it - from my salary I can only buy a dog carrier, and that’s an inexpensive one. But why live like that? I have such apathy that I can’t do anything - neither clean nor cook. Physically I just can’t, I have no appetite, but my husband has lunch at work, I cook when my father comes, so as not to be upset and to feed him.
trawler
16.08.2003, 14:59
just a shock. Well, really, if he is so offended and does not intend to forgive you, he would already be talking about divorce. It seems that I agree with the girls, he revels in your condition and he likes the process itself. And most importantly, when you get out of this, what is the guarantee that the next episode will end differently?
You must either speak or shut up forever.
Well, I don’t know how this is even possible, but purely speculatively, if he doesn’t talk or listen at all, send him a letter with a notification, where you tell him that you can’t stand it anymore, and you will change something, or with with him or without him. And determine the period during which you expect response from him: a constructive conversation, a change in behavior, or a decision about your future life. preferably before the child returns.
Yes, an ultimatum is a stupid way to solve problems, but IMHO, stupid problems need to be solved accordingly.
16.08.2003, 15:50
If everything has gone that far in terms of notes, etc. - then I would have gone that way - I wrote the same thing that I don’t deny my guilt, but also endure some kind of humiliation in the form of silence, etc. doesn’t intend to - either I forgot everything and at the time specified by you just started communicating and that’s it family life as before - because I apologized, or this is a notice of an upcoming divorce and division of an apartment - the court does not care that you only earned a piece of it in real life, according to the marriage, the division is 50/50% + the interest of the children.. so you need to decide and not suffer, but to leave - no, I would have pumped him up with a divorce and an apartment - if a person does not understand the sincere apologies but only somehow takes revenge on him...then in return...it’s not the case when the wife, to please her husband’s desires, will leave leaving home with a child...
16.08.2003, 17:35
I sincerely sympathize. He probably didn't seriously think that you could leave? For some reason, he believes that you will hold on to him tightly? What do you think? Isn’t this a tactic to get you out of the house?
Provoke him.
Maybe he wanted to assert himself in this way? Maybe he is a demonstrative person in life?
16.08.2003, 20:22
No, of course, he doesn’t drive me out of the house this way. And I think that he doesn’t believe that I can leave, especially now - there are two children. The eldest is with his grandmother, and the youngest is one year and 3 months old. Men also believe that a woman can be tied down with children, and she will not go anywhere. The second apartment is now in dismantled condition, so he is sure that I will not go anywhere.
Everything is fine with self-affirmation. As for the demonstrative personality, I don’t know. To be honest, I didn’t really understand what it was. Please explain, Dekabrina.
16.08.2003, 20:28
Yes, you are absolutely right. A bit much. So I came here for advice. There were no such situations before, they were somehow resolved. Everyone has some kind of difficulties in their family, well, sometimes there are happy exceptions who live peacefully year after year and never quarrel, I have never met such families, but everyone also solves problems out loud. And here... It’s also complicated by the fact that I feel that I’m right - I apologized and explained why I did what I did. And now I really don’t want to get face-to-face with the table a second time. I kept waiting for him to explain at least what he wanted from me. And now the end has come.
16.08.2003, 21:15
I had an acquaintance who, soon after meeting me, organized a very expressive boycott of me... I read you, and I wondered if this was the same type.
http://www.naritsyn.ru/iso/test12.shtml
16.08.2003, 21:22
He doesn't necessarily have to copy this description, but maybe there is some grain? I meant the demonstrativeness of his experience of resentment, after all, it is based on personality traits, there must be some kind of basis, so I thought... But in general, this is probably not the main thing, but his attitude towards you.
17.08.2003, 00:27
I read it, thanks for the link. Still, no, although after we quarreled, a day or two later, I told my neighbors that we were in a quarrel and therefore I could not take part in the quarrel. Maybe he told his friends, most likely yes. He informs, but he won’t play “oh, I feel so bad, everyone is cruel to me.” Although there is still some grain.
The attitude towards me used to be “I love you SO much.” But I’ve been looking for 2 months, where did this love go?
17.08.2003, 22:37
In general, your husband's behavior looks like manipulation. He must have resorted to such games before. Usually such offended people get a lot of pleasure from watching their partner suffer.
if so, don't play his game, break the script!
But if this is the first time, then it’s strange, maybe you did something out of the ordinary
Elena D-ova
18.08.2003, 06:59
Hmmm... Well, the form you chose for your apology... It can offend more than anything else.
In short, stop playing your childish games, sit opposite your husband and explain everything to him in words.
superMAN
18.08.2003, 08:14
Everything is clear, you energy vampire, he understood this and doesn’t want to feed you anymore :-) Take it with money
18.08.2003, 09:11
Have you tried to have a serious conversation with him? Or is he silent and you don’t break the silence?
18.08.2003, 20:54
But no - I’m just a donor :-(. So, in principle, energetically, so to speak, I’m resting now - it’s easy and calm for me. But the cats are scratching at my soul - my own husband, married for 12 years, two years back straight second honeymoon began, which ended so absurdly and threatens to end in divorce. And I almost physically feel the fact that people feed on energy from me - some of our friends when they come, I feel worse, and after their visit I just lie down on the sofa and come to my senses, although they didn’t do anything - they just drank tea (not vodka, and not even beer) and just talked.
18.08.2003, 21:02
Talk on the phone in a happy voice, and, having preened yourself, sneak out of the house, you can take the baby with you or leave it with the nanny (if you leave it in principle and he is used to it). And under no circumstances should you explain why and where. Yes, and let him hear the call too; they should call you, not you.
Of course, if your disagreement did not occur because of his jealousy and suspicion of your infidelity, it may work.
18.08.2003, 23:00
I’ll explain why it’s silent right now!!!
when you said that the second honeymoon had begun, I understood everything right away
This happened to me too recently
as if a new love has woken up
such relationships are simply heaven
and suddenly a day later he said something offensive to me, sorry I don’t remember right now I’m not vindictive
I was so offended, I couldn’t forgive him for 2 days
although this has never happened before - a maximum of half a day and everything is in its place
so in the heat of love, all the insults seem 10 times greater, he just hasn’t forgiven you yet and your apology was not enough for him
The solution is this - you need to try to understand how he perceived this situation and try to explain to him again that it was your mistake, that you didn’t want this - in short, you need to save him - otherwise he may already have depression
19.08.2003, 00:18
If you don't want to come back, then don't leave. After all, you don’t know how he will react to your departure, and whether it will be easier for you away from him, so at least everything is in plain sight. Just try to get through the situation. Maybe you’re just tired, and so is he, because small child takes a lot of strength and energy. Switch your attention to yourself, to the child, to improving the apartment, not out of spite, but as a lifestyle, without showing off. Maybe if he feels like a nightstand in your world, he will change his mind. Good luck to YOU.
19.08.2003, 09:03
I think you both show your character, who will silence whom, who will be more stubborn than whom... Playing on feelings of jealousy is unwise, it goes away completely, is there any point? He can cook dinner, buy a bottle of good wine and in the evening, when the husband comes home from work, say, let’s stop with this nonsense, let’s go to dinner... Maybe he’s just waiting for this... Well, not every man can be the first to take a step towards reconciliation , take the initiative, be wiser)
19.08.2003, 16:12
I think I’ll ask - what do you want from the situation? How would you like your husband to behave? This is the first. And secondly, it’s your husband who’s not talking to you, and not you who’s talking to him. I decided so long ago about such situations - when someone is offended and remains silent, I am not offended by this person and continue to talk to him. especially after the apology. So why write notes and support this game? Moreover, you can always make an excuse about the ingratiations - I haven’t read it. and if they speak out loud and loudly in front of you, it’s difficult to say that you didn’t hear. Behave as you decide - loudly letting your husband know about it. This is his gadget - silence, but you seem to be normal... So tell him - since you ignore me and I am forced to make decisions about our life together and the lives of our children itself, then this and that. Naturally, all of the above is my monologue, but as an example. It seems to me that if a person close, beloved and loving suddenly becomes silent for 2 months... It’s somehow very scary, in my opinion. And I would be simply horrified by the lack of understanding of what is happening. This is... Brrr... just creepy. I sympathize with you very much. And when your husband - your support - suddenly ceases to be one - bam and you fall... Has he never had anything like this before?
Today I will tell you about one feature male psychology, which if you know and apply in life, you can safely avoid 20-30% of conflicts in relationships. It’s a lot to reduce the number of conflicts by 20%, if for this you need to read a couple of pages of text about male psychology and do a little training.
In summary, one of the main features of male psychology is that when a problem or conflict arises in front of a man, he needs to remain silent, think about the problem alone, or calm down after the conflict. But many women think that if a man is silent, it means he is angry or offended. Yes, he is not angry or offended, but THINKING)). And since a man is designed in such a way that he cannot do two things at the same time, he is silent, since his speech apparatus does not work while thinking.
Well, it's very simple, you say. I already read about this in some book... That’s how it is. Only from reading to application in practice is a very, very long distance.
At least that's how it is for me. It seems like I’ll read something about women, more than once, then my wife will explain 10 times... well, or 110)), how to behave. However, when it comes to practice, everything again “flies out” somewhere, as if I hadn’t read anything. I start arguing over the most insignificant reasons (read the article at the link on how to stop a man from arguing). Or I remain silent instead of reassuring my beloved or something else so “brilliant”. Then, of course, progress comes little by little, but much more slowly than we would like.
In total, in order for something to work out in practice, in addition to training, you need more detailed description rules and principles with examples about male psychology. That's the minimum. What are we going to do now? And you can also read a couple of articles, “Why a man is silent” and “What to do when a man is silent.”
Well, so what of this? What are the conclusions for living together? The conclusions are as follows:
- If you rightfully yelled at your man and he remains silent after that, this does not mean at all that he is silent because he is offended. This is just closer to female behavior. If a woman is silent, it means she is offended. Most likely, the man will simply “walk away” after a while and return calmed down. After all, when a man is silent, he calms down. After which he can easily ask for forgiveness, etc.
Total. If a woman quarrels with a man, then it is better not to let her go far, but, if possible, to calm her down. And if you let go, she may be even more offended and then it can be very difficult to make peace.
But with men, as a rule, the opposite is true. If a man offended and wants to go to another room or even take a walk, then let him walk until he calms down. It’s better not to touch him at this moment, otherwise the quarrel may flare up with renewed vigor.
In addition, if your reproaches and comments were fair, he needs to think about and think about your words, and this requires time and, of course, silence.
What if you “unfairly yelled” at a man?
This simply doesn't happen. Even if it’s “unfair” now, at this particular moment, it means “fed up” with all your previous behavior.
“If a man faces a difficult problem, then he should just remain silent. Your presence and attempt to talk to him and calm him down act on a man as a strong irritant, only aggravating the problem. To put it even simpler, the presence of any person (not necessarily you) can simply infuriate him. Better leave him alone. A man will only be grateful to you for your understanding or, at a minimum, will not take out his irritation on you.
Women usually need to discuss their problems. You can do it with your husband or relatives, or better yet with a friend, but you definitely need to talk them through. If the problem is not “spoken out,” then the woman feels bad.
A man doesn’t need to “say” anything, he needs to “solve it”, that is, find money, new job etc. And even if you know how to find this money or where exactly you can get a job, since your friend or relative said that a worker of similar qualifications is needed there, then even in this case it is not at all necessary to immediately and directly help him. A man must learn to solve his problems himself.
And another question: for how long should a man be left alone? It all depends on the man and the size of the problem. If the problem is large, for example, dismissal with ruin, then the period of loneliness can be up to several weeks or even months. If it is not very large, then usually from one hour to 2-3 days is enough.
In theory, women grasp this difference between men and women very quickly. But when it comes to practice...
A small example from the film “Ask Cindy”, in which the relationship between a man and a woman is described quite truthfully. The main character of the film is fired from his job and goes broke. After such a blow of fate, he stupidly sits in front of the TV, drinks beer and does nothing, apparently, for several days. His girlfriend is trying to shake him up and talk to him in something like this: “You can do it”, “Let’s do something”, “Let’s discuss a plan of action”, “Let’s go for a walk, go to see friends” and something else like that kind. After a few days, the girl gets tired of the man’s indifference and leaves. After some time, the man comes to his senses and begins to act, gradually achieving success again, even more than before. Only, however, with another girl.
Therefore, one more time. If you have a problem in your life, then immediately discuss and talk it through with your friends, husband, etc. Even if they don’t help you in any way, just by “talking it out” you will feel better, that is, that’s what they will help you with. But you know this without me. But if a man has a problem, then give him some time to do nothing and remain silent, do not try to “talk” anything to him, at least not right away. In general, study male psychology and communication with a man will become much easier and more enjoyable. If there is something you don’t understand about a man’s behavior, please contact me, I will be happy to help.
Again, don’t take everything to the point of absurdity, in this article I didn’t talk about if a man doesn’t do anything for a year, two, three, and so on, and you need to endure all this. This is a different case, and it needs to be resolved more radically. For example, find someone else, but this is up to you and your self-esteem.
Best regards, Rashid Kirranov.
