While awaiting the birth of our first child, we mentally prepare ourselves for many difficulties: sleepless nights, childhood whims and illnesses, chronic fatigue... But even the most far-sighted of us do not imagine that happiest event in the life of a couple often becomes the starting point of its destruction. Is it possible to save a relationship if there are three of you?
Numerous studies confirm this paradoxical thesis: in the first year of a child’s life, satisfaction with one’s own marriage decreases significantly. The statistics presented in a study by the University of Denver (2009) are staggering: 90% of couples say so. According to data published in Psychology Today, this also applies to those people whose relationships seemed great before pregnancy.
Moreover, the higher the expectations of a man and a woman from future parenthood, the more difficult they experience this period: instead of closeness comes distance, instead of mutual understanding - disagreements about raising the baby. It is no coincidence that according to Russian law, a man does not have the right to divorce his wife without her consent during pregnancy and in the first year of the child’s life.
What happens to a couple after the birth of their first child? Psychologists have identified several the most important aspects, including social and cultural attitudes in society, highest level stress in the first months after childbirth, as well as gender differences in the behavior of men and women during this period. Our correspondent spoke in detail with experts about each of them.
From dyad to triad
“At this moment, enormous changes occur in the relationship between a man and a woman,” explains psychologist, founder of group classes to prepare for childbirth, Daria Utkina. - Their roles change dramatically: before they were lovers, and now they have become young parents. This transformation takes a long time.” At first it is shocking: you have known each other for many years (or months), and suddenly one fine morning the realization comes that this is not at all the person you swore to love forever. Inna Khamitova, a systemic family psychotherapist, considers this a completely natural process: “Parenthood turns people towards each other in a completely new way. And people, in a sense, need to get to know each other again, even if they have been together for 10 years. And the couple either adapts to these changes, or this is the beginning of the end.”
The appearance of a baby concerns not only his mother and father, but their relatives and even friends
All family and social connections undergo significant changes, and they also affect the relationship within the couple. “Much depends on the position of grandparents - how they see their role in raising a child and how much this coincides with the expectations of his parents,” comments Daria Utkina. - And depending on how important social activity was for dad or mom, it is easier or more difficult for them to adapt to their new life. We all know those famous conversations between new parents “about baby poop” - but how does that even fit into your previous lifestyle?”
Of course, all these processes are individual and depend on the characteristics of the individual. “In addition, after the birth of a child, certain internal conflicts awaken in each of us related to relationships with our own parents,” notes Inna Khamitova. - And this can also provoke distance between spouses. But still, a triangle is a more stable structure than a dyad. And if the couple managed to survive the crisis period, the relationship becomes much stronger. If you let this situation take its course, a crack appears in the family, which can then turn into an abyss.”
If one or both parents find it too difficult to change their habits, the child becomes a catalyst for conflict because it brings such a level of stress into life that the couple faces questions: are we ready to include this third person in our relationship? Or do we want to pass it on to nannies and grandmothers, continuing the relationships we had? Or do we understand that it is impossible to further build relationships? “It is possible to answer them approximately by the end of the first year of the baby’s life, because it is then that the realization comes that a child is forever.” In addition, there is a certain demand from society: a year is given to young parents to adapt, but after this period they are expected to start leading familiar image life.
It's hard for everyone
During pregnancy and after childbirth, a woman experiences a colossal hormonal shock in her body. Each mother reacts to it differently: for many, the baby is what protects them from the outside world, especially during the period breastfeeding. “In addition to biological factors, each woman has her own unique psychological experience,” emphasizes Daria Utkina. - For some it is an engine, but for others it is a reason for depression. But in any case, this is a huge physical and mental work, and at the same time there is also a child with whom you need to establish a connection, and a partner with whom you need to build a relationship in a new way.” At this moment, the father is also experiencing serious stress: is he ready for such responsibility, “has he built a house and planted a tree.” And this stress is only aggravated by the high expectations of men and women from themselves and from each other.
Everyone forgets about the man who became a dad, and this is an equivalent event!
Moreover, unlike a woman, for whom the culture has many techniques and rituals to adapt to her new role, for a man this process can be much more difficult. “Even if these are only symbolic rituals, the woman is greeted with flowers from the maternity hospital, given gifts for children’s birthdays and much more,” comments Daria Utkina. - But everyone forgets about the man who became a dad, and this is an equivalent event! In fact, there is no way for him to initiate other than going to a bar with his friends and getting drunk. And if he chose instead to go, for example, to childbirth, where the center is the woman and then the child, then it turns out that he experienced a huge shock, but it is not symbolically marked in any way. He has to rely not on traditions, but look for new paths for himself.”
As a result, we see two people who do not sleep at night, are in a state of extreme stress and anxiety, and who have a baby who also wants to understand how to live in this world. Both partners experience various kinds of pressure: from each other, from relatives, friends, society.
Daria Utkina speaks with concern about the trend recent years: “Now there is a certain social model - a woman who, immediately after giving birth, should lead the same lifestyle as before pregnancy. She works, leads a social life, looks slim and sexy - no whims or changes. This is broadcast from magazines, television, books and, firstly, creates for a man a completely incorrect picture of how it really happens. And secondly, it puts incredible pressure on a woman who experiences a double sense of guilt.” Thus, a woman is denied the most important thing - to feel like a full-fledged mother and calmly find harmony with her own child.
Keys to Understanding
It is at this stressful point that problems arise, which can subsequently lead, if not to a break in the relationship, then to a serious distance between partners. “The birth of a child, like a litmus test, reveals those unresolved problems in a couple that existed before the birth,” says Inna Khamitova. - If the partners have not agreed “on the shore” about their responsibilities and roles or simply have not created a trusting relationship, then when a child appears and there are even more tasks, this is much more difficult to do. This process can take very acute forms and develop into constant scandals.
The first piece of advice for future parents is to seriously prepare for the birth of a child. And not in children's store, buying booties, and at the negotiating table, discussing all possible negative aspects and risks. “Learn more about childbirth and the postpartum period,” advises Daria Utkina. - Go to pregnancy courses together, read specialized literature. It is very important to discuss in advance whether you need a nanny or a housekeeper, and what role grandparents will play. And the main thing is what you expect from each other.”
The key to mutual understanding is to give your partner the opportunity and time to understand their new role.
The birth of a baby is the main event in life for most people. But at the same time, the realization that this life will never be the same does not immediately come to young parents. For objective reasons, they are forced to change their lifestyle, schedule, habits - and for some this becomes a problem. Especially for men who, unlike women, are not naturally endowed with hormones that allow them to more quickly realize their parenthood. Therefore, they often need more time to adapt, and here the key to mutual understanding is to give the partner the opportunity and time to realize their new role. Instead of reproaches and ultimatums, it is worth explaining in detail why your new life requires certain sacrifices on the part of both parents.
Physical difficulties and a hormonal surge seriously affect the emotional state of a young mother - psychologists often call it “altered,” meaning that she can behave completely differently than before the birth of the child. Even the most balanced woman can become whiny and capricious overnight. Many mothers describe the first months after childbirth as “a black hole in the mind when you are not aware of your actions.”
When talking about their relationship in the first year or two of a baby’s life, couples often use the word “unbearable.” It is this feeling that pushes them to part. It seems that it is impossible to endure anymore and the only way out is divorce. “People are in an extremely stressful state,” explains Daria Utkina. - And in such a situation it is very difficult to understand how objective your emotions are. Am I really feeling this or am I overacting a bit? The only thing we can control is our emotional reactions to the events that happen. Only we ourselves can bring stability to the environment that surrounds us.”
The fourth tip is to be tolerant of your partner. The fact is that in a state of “unbearability” we address this feeling to the person who causes it in us. We shift responsibility for our condition onto him, although it arises simply because at some point our own fears and experiences are realized. “But it is necessary to understand the difference between “tolerate” and “show tolerance,” warns the psychologist. - When a person is in pain, if he closes his eyes, he will feel better for a moment. But if the source of pain does not disappear, then the body dies. And we come to the question: is this situation a reason to endure, or to be more tolerant? What will make me feel better right now and in the longer term?”
Often, distance in a couple occurs because in the very early stages the father feels excluded from the life of the mother and child. That's why important point becomes an attempt to avoid the “feeling of a third wheel.” Today, dads actively take part in preparing for childbirth and even the birth itself. An illusory equality of rights is created between parents, which is immediately destroyed if a woman breastfeeds. “Many dads breathe a sigh of relief when they find out that their fatherly functions do not include feeding at night and putting the baby to sleep,” reassures Daria Utkina. “Then the man faces the question: why am I needed here at all?” But in fact, he faces the most important tasks: to create space so that a woman can calmly care for her child, be strong and responsible, and help her partner recover after childbirth.” And then the father feels that this is his role and it is significant, he is inspired and does not feel like a third wheel. We just need to remind him of this more often.”
And finally, the main key to how to save a family is to strive for balance between parenthood and marriage. “Despite the fact that you have become a father and mother, we must not forget that you are also spouses, friends, lovers, just close people,” warns Inna Khamitova. - This is a separate and important task - to devote time and emotions to each other. Start a tradition of leaving your child with your grandmother or nanny once a week, and spending at least a couple of hours together.”
This thesis is confirmed by a study from the University of Denver: couples who, 6 months after the birth of a child, felt more like lovers/partners than other respondents, experienced much less stress from their parenthood in general, and more easily experienced the difficulties associated with the appearance of a baby in the family . The more we invest in our relationship during this period, the better it will be for all three family members.
Many couples in the first year of a child’s life face crisis in relationships which often leads to divorce. After the birth of a baby, the life of the spouses changes dramatically: personal interests, love, intimacy, relaxation, parties - everything becomes secondary, and the child comes to the fore, requiring attention 24 hours a day. How to survive crisis in the first year of a child's life and save the relationship?
Causes of discord in the family after the birth of a child
One of the most common mistakes women make is that young mothers, completely immersed in motherhood, deprive their husbands of attention. A man who until now felt necessary is faced with neglect from the woman he loves. Postpartum depression, female fatigue and irritability also lead to conflicts and mutual reproaches.
1. Set priorities
A woman must realize that a new family member cannot take all her time, strength and energy, leaving her husband deprived of attention. Correctly set priorities, where the husband is the head of the family, and the child is a continuation of their relationship and love, will help save the marriage and prevent reproaches and scandals.
2. Keep yourself in control
Despite the birth of a baby and a sharp decrease in the amount of free time a woman has, she needs to be alone with herself for at least 20-30 minutes a day in order to relax and relieve accumulated physical and moral stress. If a young mother neglects this advice, the risk of nervous breakdowns will increase, which will lead to disastrous consequences. Chronic fatigue, sleepless nights, and a woman’s constant irritability will certainly affect the relationship between spouses and her behavior. Psychologists advise taking time for yourself when the baby is sleeping: you can pamper yourself with your favorite treats, get a manicure, watch a TV series, scroll through women's magazine, do yoga, take a relaxing bath with aromatic oils, make a honey scrub, face masks.
A woman should be for a man not only a wife, the mother of his child, but also a friend, an adviser to whom the husband, coming home after a hard day at work, can tell about his small victories and failures. But, concentrating all their attention on the child, young mothers often forget that in the house, besides the baby, there is another person with whom they need to communicate. Psychologists recommend that young mothers try to be alone with their spouse from time to time, talk to him more often, ask about his affairs, and not discuss exclusively the child, problems associated with his upbringing, feeding, etc.
4. Don’t neglect intimacy
Many young mothers, after the birth of their baby, refuse to enter into intimacy with their spouse and become even more distant from him. It is during this period that it happens male infidelity, since a man, from whom his wife has distanced himself both psychologically and physically, is trying to make up for the lack of physical intimacy and attention on the side. In order to prevent such a development of events, you need to remember that a woman for her husband should always remain a mistress to whom he wants to return. You should not refer to fatigue and refuse your husband. To return the former colors to an intimate relationship, you can buy beautiful, seductive lingerie, have a candlelit dinner, or give a relaxing Tibetan massage to your husband with all the ensuing consequences.
5. Go out in public
You shouldn’t sit at home all the time, making the walls of your apartment or house the border of your world. From time to time you need to go out with the whole family: go to a cafe, relax in nature, have holidays with friends. Now there are many entertainment places in which a young mother and child can feel comfortable.
6. Take care of yourself
After the birth of a child, women, completely focusing all their attention on the baby, often stop taking care of themselves and caring for them. appearance, hairstyle, manicure. Every man wants to see his soulmate beautiful, attractive, capable of charming not only with kindness, care and affection, but also with a delightful appearance.
