Good day, dear blog readers!
Today our topic is about what to do if a child is selfish. As we said in previous articles, they most often hide in childhood. It is also important to know what mistakes made by parents increase the risk of selfishness in children.
- The child is an egoist: what to do
Why children grow up selfish: mistakes in education
It would seem that our children are little delicate flowers whom we care for and raise with great love. And it seems that everything is done for the baby, everything is explained to him, and as a result, then the parents rush to the forums with questions: “My son is an egoist: what should I do?”
Therefore, let's first talk about what mistakes in upbringing lead to selfishness in children.
Mistakes in education:
- Too much love from parents
Everything is always for the baby, all his wishes are fulfilled at once, and all offenders are immediately eliminated from sight by formidable mothers/fathers/grandmothers/grandfathers. But! As a result of such indulgence, he begins to think that everything around him exists for him. And quite naturally he begins to demand. After all, he thinks that all this belongs to him.
- Lack of independence
This is the case when they do everything around the house for the children and do not burden them with even minimal purchases. Moreover, kids don’t even know that they need to clear away toys and plates from the table.
Please note that the baby not only grows up selfish, but also completely unadapted to independent life. In the future, he will refuse to do any business related to the house. And he will do this not only because he doesn’t want to, but also because he doesn’t know how to do all this.
- Excessive financial incentives
Your son or daughter should study well not because they receive money for every grade, but because they know why it will be useful to them in the future.
As for cleaning or going to the store, this should be done because it is customary and out of respect and desire to help parents. If this is all done solely to get extra pocket money, then this is a reason for you to think about it.
- Lack of attention from parents
No matter how strange it may sound, egoists are produced not only with overprotection, but also with its complete absence.
A child who grew up in such an environment was accustomed to the fact that any signs of attention must be received with a fight. Accordingly, in adult life such a person will strive to capture the attention of everyone around him. In this way, a kind of compensation occurs for the attention lost in childhood.
As you can see, the answer to the question: “How not to raise a child to be selfish?” pretty simple - don't do any of the things listed above. And then the likelihood that your little and beloved sun will grow into a selfish person is small.
The child is an egoist: what to do
Now let's talk about what to do if the child is already selfish. This happens when one day you realize that something has gone wrong.
So, how to re-educate a little egoist:
- Get rid of unnecessary care
If he already goes to high school, then it is not worth waking him up every morning (although it is worth monitoring from afar that going to school still happens every day). Also, let him make the bed himself and clear the dishes from the table;
- Let me have a negative experience
If you didn't learn the lesson, you got a bad grade. Until the child understands that any of his actions (or inactions) affects the quality of life, nothing good will happen;
- If you ask about successes, then pay attention not only to questions about the baby himself, but also about his friends
This is how the habit of observing what happens to people around you is formed;
- Promote a broader social environment
- Foster altruism
In fact, we need to instill in children the habit of caring for others. To do this, it is enough to have any pet in the house. Even fish will do. This is how children from an early age understand that there is a being who is completely dependent on them. And when there is a habit of caring for those who cannot do it themselves, then we are no longer talking about selfishness.
And one more thing: selfishness often appears in the case of two or three children in a family. Therefore, if you decide to give birth to another baby, then you need to prepare the older one for the arrival of a brother or sister even before the birth.
Attention! So that later selfishness does not manifest itself in the younger one, over time we teach him that the older brother (or sister) also needs care and help. If children in the family help each other, then your goal has been achieved!
So, today we touched on the topic of how not to raise an egoist. I hope you found this helpful. For now I have everything. But we have a lot of interesting things ahead, so don’t forget to subscribe to blog updates and share the link with your friends.
If you have any questions, write, we will answer them!
All parents want their children to grow up kind and grateful. But often the opposite happens, and it happens that children grow up to be terrible egoists, despite the love and care of their parents.
Why this happens and what to do to prevent it from happening, he will tell you 4mama.
Many parents, especially mothers, very often give all of themselves to their children, taking care of their children, often forgetting to take care of themselves.
It would seem that children in the future should certainly be grateful to their mother for such an attitude. But what do we often see as a result?
From such children you can often hear disrespect for parents, manifestations of selfishness and phrases like “Who asked you (to give up work, your hobby, your interests)?!” In addition, often mothers, devoting themselves entirely to their children, often thereby destroy their relationship with their husband, and often because of this they end up alone. At the same time, they don’t worry about this at all, because they have children, they have someone to live for.
Unfortunately, in the end they may be left completely alone, because the children will begin their own independent lives, and the new spouse never appears (and how can he get involved if such a woman has only children on her mind).
What parental behavior causes children to grow up selfish?
Parents do everything for their children
The reasons for this behavior in adults may be different. The first is when it is easier and faster for a mother to do something herself than to ask the child, because she already has little time for everything.
The second is when a mother continues to believe that her son or daughter is still too small or sickly, and they simply cannot cope on their own (even if they turn 18 in a month). You can often see a similar situation in public transport, when a mother enters a subway car with her fairly adult son and seats him in an empty seat, while remaining standing.
Such children get used to doing nothing, and view their parents more as service personnel. Moreover, the adults themselves taught them to do this. For children, this behavior is already becoming the norm.
Then you shouldn’t be surprised when an adult child will continue to go and ask or even demand money from his mother, will not be able to find a normal job (he needs to make an effort) and his home will be a constant mess (after all, he is not used to looking after himself) .
Parents bribe their children with gifts and toys
To prevent their children from boring them, some parents, due to being busy or for other reasons, simply bribe their children with various, including expensive, gifts.
Such children soon get used to the fact that material things are more important than human relationships and parental attention. There is a replacement of values. At the same time, these people often feel deeply unhappy.
And in the future, parents continue to demand more and more material benefits and gifts - after all, the adults themselves taught them to do this!
Constant criticism and excessive demands
There is another extreme when parents demand too much from their children. Or they pick too much on one child, for example, in a large family, especially if the child is unwanted and unloved.
Growing up, such children try to leave their parents' home as soon as possible and start an independent life in order to get rid of constant pressure.
Carrying out their plans, such children rejoice in freedom, and try to remember the past, including their parents, as rarely as possible. Parents perceive this behavior as selfishness, although in fact, this is not entirely true.
A sad situation arises especially when one child is desired and loved, but the second is not. Then the parents again risk being left alone in the future, since one child will be too spoiled, and the second, on the contrary, will be too “downtrodden.”
It is always very important to be able to find and maintain a “golden mean” in raising children, of course, to love them, communicate, take care of them and teach them to work from a very early age. And also try to maintain discipline and explain life values. In this case, your child will grow up to be a full-fledged harmonious personality, capable of doing good deeds and noble deeds.
Ecology of knowledge. Children: What if you try to stop sacrificing everything for the sake of your children? Essay on education!
Well,” said the friend, looking skeptically at the squeaking bundle, tightly tied with a blue ribbon, “you brought a tyrant into the house.” Still small. But remember, it will grow. So don’t delay, get a second one immediately. Then they will “close themselves” on each other and will not grow up to be completely selfish.
Having not yet recovered from the first, I didn’t even dare to think about the second. “I’ll try to live with a tyrant!” - I mentally said to myself and plunged to the very top of my head into the happiness of motherhood.
At first, the “tyrant” and I got used to each other. Then we learned to understand each other. Then they rejoiced at their first achievements. And all this time, my compassionate friends and neighbors never tired of frightening me: “Wait, when he grows up, you’ll find out. If you remember how you didn’t let him get away with it, you’ll spoil it!”
And we became more and more interesting with each other. I read all sorts of smart books and fearlessly tried out pedagogical novelties on Denis. And he bravely clung to the horizontal bar in his crib, and began to walk early, bypassing the “crawling” stage, and in winter he ran barefoot in the snow, and at the age of three he read his first book.
“Not a mother, but a sadist!” - the neighbors were openly indignant when they once again saw the baby without a hat. “You can’t dissolve into posterity like that!” - those around me pronounced their verdict and waited with undisguised gloating for me to begin to reap the bitter pedagogical fruits.
In turn, the cub also began to test the mother’s strength, trying to determine the limits of what was permitted. For some time I was able to resolve conflicts through negotiations. The method, let's face it, takes time. The undercooked porridge was put aside, the unwashed dishes were pushed aside and... a fairy tale was composed about another impolite bunny or dirty pig.
But one day the practiced technique failed. The child kicked the floor and, becoming hysterical, demanded that he be scolded by that “single” little thing from the top shelf. My common sense was rejected, and the roar gained momentum. My first instinct was to give her a legitimate maternal spanking. Fleeing from temptation, I stood up and left, closing the door behind me.
For about two minutes the roar grew, then it stuck on one note and... turned into a monotonous whimper. And a second later my very surprised child appeared on the threshold: “Why did you leave?!” I’m paying you!” His indignation knew no bounds. “No, please cry to yourself if you like it so much. I don't like it, so I left. People, if they want to understand each other, talk, not roar..."
This was our first test of strength. The potential “tyrant” understood: the mother does not consider unreasonable demands expressed in categorical form. And screaming into the void is more expensive for yourself. I understood: no matter how sorry it is for a child choking in tears, sometimes you need to give him the opportunity to cry...
The next test site was a store. The mothers, who had already known all the charm of public extortion with howls and shouts: “Buy it, you greedy!”, admitted: this is truly an indescribable feeling! When Denis led me to the most expensive car and loudly demanded: “Mom, buy it!”, I tensed up internally (“Here it is - it’s beginning!”). Then she took his hand and walked up to the coat hanging next to him: “Denisa, buy me this!” I like it so much..."
I still see my son’s utterly amazed face in front of me: “Mommy,” he said in a whisper for some reason, “but I don’t have money...” “You know,” I said in a conspiratorial tone, “I don’t have any either, so that I will be left without a new coat for now, and you will be left without a car. Is it coming?
Having willingly agreed, my son trotted off to the exit. Since then, during any shopping trips, he touchingly asked whether we had enough money for food, ice cream, and toys. And even now, being already a teenager, he never starts material disputes. Firstly, because they are aware of my capabilities. Secondly, he knows: just like that - “out of spite” or for educational purposes - I will not limit his pocket money. If I don’t give, it means I really can’t. And it seems normal to me that Denis (by all laws of the genre, obliged to be an egoist) spent his first money, honestly earned at the Mathematical Olympiad, not on CDs or chewing gum, but proudly brought it to his mother.
Listening to my friends talk about how their one and only offspring give ultimatums and almost threaten suicide if they refuse to buy a computer or new sneakers, I think: This cup passed me by because I never created a separate “children’s” life for my child.
I introduced my son, as far as his age allowed, to my problems. And not only material ones. I taught him to listen to the state of mind of those who are nearby. He knew that mom might be in a bad mood because of troubles at work. I understood when it was better not to talk about going to the park, because I had to hand over the material to the room. (And so that what I do would not be an abstraction for him, at my encouragement he himself tried to “publish” his own magazine.)
He was never the “center of the universe” around which his relatives revolved. But I always knew that something depended on him too. For example, if he learns to cook dinner, he will be able to spend all his holidays outside the city. (At twelve years old, making pancakes, frying potatoes, boiling spaghetti and heating cutlets is not a problem for him! On special occasions, he can even bake a cake.)
If he proves that he knows his way around the city well, he will go to computer clubs, libraries and programming courses. If not, I’ll have to stay at home, because I don’t have time to carry it. I passed the “urban orienteering” exam with flying colors, so now the child sometimes tells me how to get to places more conveniently.
I became convinced that it is mothers who extinguish independence in children, even when Denis was three years old. I remember in Gorky Park we humbly stood in line and watched the same picture. The carousel slows down, and immediately, as if on command, mothers rush towards it to take their children off, followed by others to put them on. I, like a true “sadist” (remember?), let the child go alone. He competently chooses “his” beast. Climbing. Slips off. Tries again.
I am using my last strength not to rush to help. But here it is, a small victory! Denis finally climbed onto his horse and is positively beaming with happiness. “You’re the first one who didn’t rush to pick up the boy,” the creaky voice of an old servant sounds over my ear. “And who are these mothers raising for themselves?”
But we really create our own future problems or joys.“My idiot is already fourteen, but he won’t make himself a sandwich, won’t make his bed, won’t sew on a button...” - you’ve probably heard this more than once.
Why, one wonders, will he do all this if his mother does it much better and she willingly served him until he was fourteen? He really doesn't understand why things have to change.
Once upon a time I intuitively guessed, but now I’m almost sure: in order for a child not to grow up selfish, you have to be a selfish mother. I have never “sacrificed everything” for my son. Moreover, she did not hide her weaknesses from him. Four-year-old Denis knew for sure: his mother likes to sleep in the morning. So he would get dressed quietly, go to the kitchen, eat cookies and yogurt, and play alone until I left the bedroom. Now, while studying at school during his first shift, he gets ready on his own, has breakfast, walks the dog and goes to class. Mom can sleep peacefully!
Besides, I never forgot that my son is a man. And I am a woman! Passengers almost fell out of the windows, watching the five-year-old gentleman shake hands with his mother as he got off the bus. The wardrobe attendants at the children's theater were simply thrilled by the touching scene: the baby is trying to help his mother put on her coat.
Today, all these etiquette rituals are absolutely natural and familiar to Denis. Of course I like it. I generally like my son. And I'm not embarrassed to tell him about it. He knows that I am always ready to understand, listen, and support him. I am aware of all his affairs and problems. He also knows mine quite well.
I have never strived to be an inaccessible idol for a child - broadcasting and commanding, punishing and merciful. Or a maid, ready to fulfill any whim. I always wanted to be his friend. I don't "sculpt" it. I don’t dream that he will “accomplish what I failed to do.” I want him to live his life. Interesting to him. And for this, without drill and tediousness, without forced participation in clubs and music, and gradually and inadvertently, I “slipped” him with all new hobbies. To have as much food for thought and opportunities for choice as possible. “How do you manage to pretend that you are interested in all this? - a friend once asked. “My Sashka starts telling me about his computers, and it immediately puts me to sleep.”
I had to admit that I don't understand the question. I'm really interested! Fascinated by astronomy, we went at night to look at the starry sky through binoculars. We got sick of cacti and spent all our free time in flower shops. Together we glued the aquarium and cried over every dead fish. Together we looked for our runaway, dissolute poodle. They even embroidered at one time - and then together!
What are you doing! - the older and more experienced ones taught me. - The child clings to you so much that no man can squeeze in next to you. You will never arrange your life again after a divorce!
I didn’t think so, gradually accustoming Denis to the fact that he does not have a monopoly on his mother. He knew: mom should have a personal life. I’m used to the fact that I can come late, that I’m often invited somewhere. He took it without enthusiasm. But now he jokes that he has lived all his life in conditions of fierce competition, which is why he has learned to indulge all my whims. And he also knows: he can’t feel bad if his mother is happy.
Of course, my restless neighbors sarcastically, a child has to be responsible. You don’t look after him: either the bowling alley, or the sports club, or the hairdresser...
I'm not looking! Because I taught him self-care in time. I don't check my lessons. Because I know: he will do them himself and without my reminders. I don’t even always ask about grades. Because I’m sure that in response I’ll hear about a “harvest” of A’s. And I don’t even go to parent-teacher meetings. Because my ideas about education absolutely do not fit into school dogma.
I know for sure that I won’t cook him three-course meals every day, I won’t wash his socks and I won’t rush to iron the creases on his trousers. I feel sorry for my own energy and time. But I will put aside all matters, all dates, all “hot” materials in order to read poetry with him, talk about love, friendship and betrayal, or simply about why Irka from a parallel class came to school today with burgundy hair... published
Reading time: 2 min
Children's egoism is considered a character trait that does not demonstrate the best side of the child's personality. The problem of children's egoism is that it causes inconvenience, not only to the baby, but also to the adult environment, causing everyone a vicious circle of endless dissatisfaction. Children's egoism is caused by behavior about personal gain or benefit, while the child puts his own interests above the interests of others. Healthy selfishness means the child’s desire for everything positive, pleasant, joyful, which contributes to the growth and self-affirmation of the baby. Therefore, the kid pesters with endless requests to see what he broke, drew, built, washed, made. And this is not arrogance, but the need to declare oneself and take one’s place among others. Much depends on the adults how the baby will grow up. Selfishness is not an innate quality, it is considered an acquired phenomenon, often nurtured by loving parents.
If a family constantly exaggerates the importance of a child’s personality, admires her actions, discusses her talents and abilities, and compares the child with other less successful children, then this will inevitably lead to the development of selfishness and the formation of egoism in the child. Satisfaction of whims, giving a child toys and indulging all desires can raise a domestic tyrant.
From the very birth of a baby, selfishness is the norm and the only way to survive. In the first year of life, as soon as the baby doesn’t like or need something, he reports it by crying loudly. The child does not think about other individuals, their needs and desires; it is important for him that his needs are met.
Gradually growing up, the baby learns to crawl, walk, talk, and as before, all the attention of adults is focused on him alone, but it is too early to talk about selfishness. The turning point is when the baby begins to separate himself from others, contrasts and realizes his “I”. This is often accomplished by the age of three, when the baby begins to use the pronoun “I” in his speech. It is at this stage of interaction with society that it is necessary to look for ways to prevent the formation of children's egoism.
Selfishness can flourish in the family, while in children's environment it quickly receives a rebuff. Therefore, adults should not isolate the child in the family, but should expand his zone of communication with peers. The baby is adapting to the social environment: he took away a toy - he gave it to him, he helped a peer climb a slide - he pushed him down the slide, he hit him - he hugged him, etc. If parents only note the child’s negative actions and do not notice the good ones, then the child will have a reason to become angry.
This way, a form of alienated egoism will gradually appear, and systematic accusations of selfishness can lead to the child adopting the image of an “egoist.” This is often typical at school age. Why is this dangerous? A child may like this image, since this position makes it possible to free himself from emotional distress for a bad deed. Consolidating a selfish image in a schoolchild can lead to self-respect for one’s personality with such “coolness” when the child “builds up all the adults.” In the future, egoism formed in this way contributes to the emergence of difficult teenagers. In adult life, with such “baggage” difficulties will arise in interpersonal relationships.
The problem with children's egoism is that adults, failing to grasp the age limit and continuing to convince the child that he is the best and the only one, themselves cultivate an egoist. With age, a teenager's needs and demands will increase, and extortion will turn into a character trait with spiritual callousness. Selfishness has negative consequences not only for others, but also for the teenager himself. Sometimes egoism takes the form of egocentrism, which is characterized by the inability to accept and allow a point of view different from one’s own.
How to deal with children's egoism? The struggle lies in the fact that a lot of things need to be explained to the child, prohibitions must not be avoided, the child must understand the word “impossible.” Parents should refrain from satisfying all the demands of “me, want, give.” It is important to teach your child to help adults, clean up scattered things after themselves, and put away toys.
How to overcome childhood selfishness? The baby should be given a lot of attention so that he does not feel the need to beg for it with whims and tears. If the baby knows that he is loved and needed, if he is comfortable and does not “fight” for attention, then in this case the baby will think about others, because others think about him. To form a full-fledged personality, it is necessary to constantly praise the child, but it is important not to overdo it in comparison with the successes of other children.
It is possible to eradicate selfishness in a child if you do not manipulate the child. If “no” was said, then you should stick to your line to the end. Otherwise, the child will quickly learn to achieve what he wants, without caring about the interests of others. It is necessary to show your child an example of caring for others. You shouldn’t give him the last candy, but you need to divide it between the baby and dad. You should express sincere joy if the baby puts away his toys and helps the adults put them away. When picking up a baby from kindergarten, it is important to be interested not only in what he was doing today, but also in what his friends were doing: what they were drawing, what figures they were making from plasticine. Having noticed signs of selfishness in a child, you should not panic and punish the baby. You should observe the baby, think about exactly what mistakes were made by adults in raising them and gradually try to eradicate them.
Let us list the typical mistakes of adults leading to the formation of selfishness in adolescents:
Exaggeration of the importance of a teenager's personality. The adequacy of the assessment is important here: one should not praise without reason, one should not hush up the real merits of a teenager;
Imposing on the child personal pragmatic attitudes and desires that will reduce the child’s interest in life;
Carrying out tasks for the child, which will deprive them of their own initiative;
Personal egoistic example of adults that violates the child’s moral ideas due to internal conflict;
Bribing children for housework, for school grades;
Excessive, large educational activity of the family, which reduces the child’s personality.
Advice from a psychologist on how to deal with childhood selfishness:
Remove petty supervision (wake you up in the morning, remind you about important matters; sit while doing homework; serve during meals and after);
Give the child the opportunity to gain negative experience for his actions or inactions, allow him to make his own decisions;
Everyone should be taught to provide all possible help at home;
It is important to encourage positive assessments of his friends;
It is necessary to expand the child’s social environment and teach him to live in it.
Speaker of the Medical and Psychological Center "PsychoMed"
