The Belarusian reality is that not all grown children can afford to move from their parents to their own apartment. And few people agree to rent a one-room apartment in Minsk for $500. The rest choose a comfortable life on their own sofa, along with their mother’s borscht. Is the problem the socio-economic disorder of our society or the generation of infantile young people who stubbornly refuse to grow up? Family psychologist, psychotherapist, and gestalt therapist Vladlen Pisarev told Onliner.by about why children should move away from their parents and what will happen if this does not happen.
- From the point of view of a healthy family model, should adult children live with their parents?
There are several concepts on this matter. I am close to the position that a person needs to separate from his parents and become independent. I believe this is good. I think this is correct. But some people don’t believe in this, this is their position, and I don’t consider it necessary to convince them. However, there is such a thing as family life cycles. And if the child remains to live with his parents, then these life cycles are disrupted. The first such cycle is the so-called single phase. We are talking about the period when a young person, no matter whether a man or a woman, leaves the parental family and begins to live independently. Begins to build his own life. He starts earning money, paying for housing, buying clothes. A person learns how much life costs. If a person lives with his parents, then such things are simply unknown to him. It often happens like this: a young man lives with his mother and father and gives part of the money, say, for food. And he doesn’t know at all that he needs to buy washing powder, a light bulb or paint for his home. And then in his concept one needs much less material resources to live than in reality. Perceptions are formed distorted, and then a person will not be able to live normally, conflicts will begin. When he begins to live with his wife without parents, it turns out that the family does not have enough money. And it’s a big surprise for him: how is it that I used to live with my mother, everything was fine, and now I have such a mismanagement wife that I can’t live on my $300?!
The second life cycle is the couple phase. Two people start living together. If the first phase, the single phase, did not exist, then in the second all the difficulties that we talked about begin. People don’t know how to live on their own, they don’t know how much life costs, they don’t know how to get on the waiting list or build housing.
The next cycle, when the family begins to expand, is associated with the birth of a child. It requires a restructuring of relationships. And if there was no first phase, there was a second, but they lived together with their parents, it turns out that the relationship is complex, unstructured. For example, who decides what is right for a child? Grandmother and grandfather? Dad or mom? Whose word is most important? Who owes whom? Should grandmothers look after children or not? This creates many difficult questions. The larger the family, the more difficult it is to clarify relationships. From this position, children, of course, should not live with their parents. And, moreover, it is better to separate from them and build your own life.
- But a couple of centuries ago, for example, Belarusian girls stayed in their parents’ hut until they got married...
If we talk about traditions, then historically it turned out that we, the Slavs, had a tribal system for a very long time. Therefore, our roots are in building very large families with unclear relationships. Is it good or bad? Many Belarusian families are satisfied with this model, when a strong grandfather is at the head, a kind of prince who keeps everyone in check and makes sure that everything is good and correct. And then everyone behaves as expected - “so that you won’t be ashamed before God and people.” As grandfather said, so it will be. But there is another truth in which a family is only a husband, wife and children. They build their own lives, not connected with their parents on any side. A husband and wife create something of their own, individual.
In general, this difference in strategies - to live as a large family family or as an individual - is largely explained by the level of development of society. The better the socio-economic conditions in the country, the more opportunities there are for individual families, and vice versa.
- At what age is it better to leave your parents?
There is no one-size-fits-all answer here. I have seen people who, even at 40 years old, did not separate from their parents. It would be right to move when the need arises. If we rely on real social things, then why not connect the beginning of an independent life with coming of age? Only at the age of 18 is it difficult to put this into practice, because at that age only unique people have a highly paid job that would allow them to earn good money. Although I know people like that. A reasonable approach is needed here: at what age can a person in our world really provide for himself? We need to build on this.
- Why do adult children continue to live with their parents, although they have long turned 18?
Yes, it’s just convenient to live with your parents. They cook and buy a lot for their children, so they can spend more money on themselves. Therefore, for a large number of young people, men and women, it is simply convenient. And the idea of leaving their parents appears when their father and mother begin to interfere with the fulfillment of their needs for freedom, for choosing a partner, for pets, for emigrating to Germany, for earning a lot of money... The needs can be anything.
In turn, men who continue to live with their parents at the age of 40 also do this to satisfy some of their needs. If his mother cooks for him, washes, irons, buys him underpants, then why leave? Then you would have to either cook yourself (which is very tiring), or find someone who cooks just as well, and with a good character. But the character of the women around is bad, there is no one better than mother anyway - this is how men living in this situation reason. If the mother performs all the functions (she is both a housewife and a person with whom you can talk), then a wife is not needed. What is it for in this case? In this system, one more woman is simply superfluous: all roles are filled. There you need a mistress for sex - that's all. In order for a woman to appear, it is important to break off relations with your mother.
- Can a man who lives with his mother at 40 be successful?
Why not? It depends on what you mean by success. He can be quite a successful scientist. Mom provides the rear. He doesn’t need to buy food, cook, or iron clothes at all; he only does science. In such conditions he can study for 20 hours a day! And it is clear that by investing so much, he can get a good result. Be an interesting researcher, generate ideas. He can also be actively involved in business, because, again, he invests all his resources in development.
- You get some kind of model of a happy person...
- And I have a feeling that something is wrong.
This is because you are a woman and you have no place in this system of a 40 year old son and his mother. And in their concept everything is like that. From the point of view of such a mother, you are definitely superfluous there - a competitor. From a man's point of view, everything is fine too. For some men, even procreation is not a leading need. Or you can somehow manage to get married quickly, have children and then get divorced. And happily return to my mother and continue the same thing.
- Can we say that the current young generation has become more infantile, less independent?
First we need to understand what we mean by the word “infantile”. Is it the inability to earn a living when a person lives with his parents, and they buy him underwear? And if a person buys his own underpants, then he can be called an adult, right? It is often said that if a woman does not know how to cook borscht, then she is childish. Does she really have to be able to do this? If a person does not want to earn a lot of money for a living and knows how to live on meager things, are we going to accuse him of immaturity? This is, rather, not an infantile, but a passive individual who is located at the very bottom of the power pyramid, which depends on genes. In contrast, there are dominant individuals. If a person has grown up as a dominant personality, then he is well aware of his needs and will achieve his own. From the point of view of a dominant male, to obey, to earn little, to be led is clearly infantile behavior.
For me, for example, the criterion of adulthood is the ability to live independently. It is connected with a whole range of issues: establishing and maintaining social contacts, earning a living, renting an apartment, buying the products and clothes that you want. If this happened, if I provide for myself, then that’s it, I’m an adult. And if a husband and wife live with their parents in a two-room apartment in Kamennaya Gorka, and do not really pay either rent or food, then they cannot be called adults - not at 20, not at 30, not at 40 years old.
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Some live with their parents, considering it normal and natural, or having no other options. But living with a mother and father can be detrimental to adult children. And from the article you will find out exactly why.
Why do children stay with their parents?
For what reasons do children stay with their parents as they grow up and become more or less independent? The reasons are different:
- It's comfortable. Parents, especially those who do not work, can perform many responsibilities around the house: cleaning, cooking, shopping, caring for their grandchildren (if the adult child has his own family). In this case, children bear a minimum of responsibility.
- It's profitable. If there is no separate housing, then living with parents eliminates the need to purchase it. There is no need to rent an apartment, pay for utilities separately (and sometimes mom and dad pay for everything).
- There are no other options. Sometimes living with parents is a necessary measure due to the lack of separate housing and money to buy or rent it.
- Addiction. Moreover, a wide variety of types are possible. Children can depend on their parents: financially, emotionally or psychologically. But often fathers and mothers of adults who are afraid of loneliness or life without their beloved daughters and sons face addiction.
Advantages and disadvantages of such accommodation
Living with parents has both advantages and disadvantages. Let's first consider the advantages:
- Tangible assistance, both from one of the parties and mutual. If parents are elderly or sick, children take care of them. And if mom and dad are still full of strength, they can help the child: cook food, do laundry, look after their grandchildren, and so on.
- Benefit for children. They do not need to spend money on renting or purchasing separate housing. It remains to pay part of the utility bills, but sometimes such expenses are fully borne by the parents.
- Peace of mind for parents. For mom and dad, even an independent child who does not depend on anyone remains a child, and therefore if he lives separately, and especially far away, this always becomes a reason for worry.
- Support. Father and mother will always support their child, no matter what, they will take his side and provide help in difficult situations. When living separately, there is often no shoulder nearby to rely on. Of course, you can talk it out over the phone, but real face-to-face communication is much more pleasant and effective.
- Conflict of interests. An adult develops his own views on life, its way of life and way of life. Parents may think differently, which will lead to disagreements and scandals over a variety of reasons, such as cooking, keeping the house clean, and so on.
- Total control. Of course, not all mothers and fathers control and care for their adult children, but this still happens quite often and, of course, stresses and angers children.
- Unnecessary and sometimes overly intrusive advice. Although mom and dad will give them in order to help, children often react with hostility to inappropriate recommendations. And this is another reason for disagreement.
- Increased dependence. The further you go, the more difficult it is to get rid of it. And in this case, children may not become independent at all. And parents who are heavily dependent on their child will not let him go free, making independent life impossible.
- Difficulties in building your own family. Parents can, unconsciously or consciously, with good intentions, interfere in their child’s relationships, preventing them from solving problems. Sometimes cohabitation leads to divorce, and the adult child remains alone for a long time or forever (if he does not decide to move out).
- Lack of freedom. The child cannot allow himself to do too much in front of his parents, feels discomfort due to their presence, has no personal space, does not organize his life the way he wants and considers necessary.
- Increased grievances. If you are angry with your father or mother for something, then their constant presence will only aggravate the situation, increasing hostility and anger.
Reasons why you should move out from your parents
Why can’t children who have matured and become independent live with their parents for a long time or permanently? There are several obvious reasons to start an independent life in your own (or at least rented) home:
- Personal space. Living separately, you can do what you want (of course, within reason), and no one will reproach you for anything. You can bring guests or your other half into your own home without permission; here you can arrange everything to your taste, creating a cozy corner.
- Gaining independence, getting used to adult life. A child separated from his parents will finally learn all the difficulties and realities, learn to solve problems, and become self-sufficient and responsible.
- Pleasant meetings with mom and dad. You will miss them, which means that visits to your home will be long-awaited and bring real pleasure.
- The opportunity to build a personal life without constant interference from loved ones. And even if you make mistakes, everything that is most personal and intimate will remain within the couple or family.
- Independence. Separation from parents (separation) is an inevitable and obligatory stage of growing up. And if you don’t go through it, you can forever remain infantile, helpless and unsure of yourself.
- There are fewer reasons for conflicts. There will be nothing to quarrel and argue about.
How to solve problems that arise when living together?
What should a guy or girl do if he (she) lives with his parents and understands that this harms everyone? First, ideally move out and start living separately. If there is free housing, it's easy. If it does not exist and is not expected, it makes sense to think about a mortgage or building a house.
Secondly, indicate your independence and the degree of interference in your life from your father and mother. Explain to them that you are an adult who has the right to make your own decisions.
Thirdly, try to organize a personal space, protected from everyone. Set up your own room (if possible) and provide a lock on the door to keep the room locked. Let your parents know that they cannot enter your corner without warning or without your presence.
Fourth, look for compromises. Communicate, solve problems together and calmly, discuss plans and decide how to live better and more comfortably for everyone. Silent dissatisfaction will ruin relationships and lead to a nervous breakdown.
If you still live with your parents and you are not happy with this state of affairs, change the situation. Living together with mother and father is sometimes harmful and even dangerous, but separate housing has many advantages.
Different countries have different views on the age at which a person can reasonably be considered an adult. In Russia it is generally accepted that upon reaching the age of 18, boys and girls are sufficiently formed as individuals and can be entirely responsible for their actions. In a number of other countries, full adulthood occurs at 21 years of age.
From the point of view of psychological maturity, the second approach is more justified: at the age of 18, young people are just leaving school or a secondary specialized educational institution, are trying to figure out professional self-determination, are perhaps disappointed in the choice they have made and are looking for a more suitable profession for themselves. This is a time of change, confusion and doubt. At the age of 21, all this more or less calms down, and a person begins to look at his life quite soberly and bear conscious responsibility for his actions.
An adult needs maximum personal space
In principle, it is absolutely natural to strive for autonomy and independence from early adolescence. But while you are still in school or in your first years of college/university, you continue to depend quite heavily on your parents. We are talking about finances, moral support, help with everyday life, and many other nuances. Actually, taking care of you throughout this time is one of the main responsibilities of your mother and father.
But when you finally and irrevocably become an adult, you need more. You don't need autonomy in a metaphorical state run by your parents - you need full power in your own life. It's okay if it includes mistakes, failures, and disappointments. There's no getting around this. It is much more important that you have the opportunity to act exactly as you see fit, without reservations about not wanting to disturb your parents, fear of receiving their disapproval, or, moreover, internalizing the opinion imposed by them.
To your parents you will always be a child
Overcoming this psychological barrier is difficult, and only a few parents succeed. In most cases, even those of them who seem to respect and accept the adulthood and self-sufficiency of their child, still somewhere on the periphery of consciousness continue to consider him a baby. This may manifest itself in a more or less implicit form, but it will manifest itself. In intonations, looks, words, in silent approval or disapproval.
And, naturally, this will affect you too. Living with your parents, you remain a child. Consciously or not, you will expect praise or, conversely, do everything in defiance. You won’t always be able to resist the temptation to shift part of your affairs onto mom or dad. Don't learn self-care. And you will not always be ready to make important, responsible decisions with your own head, to take responsibility for the turns of your destiny and for drastic changes that can change your life for the better.
Living with parents, it is difficult to build normal relationships and start a family
At the age of 22, you may already have a serious relationship and intentions to connect your life with your loved one, and perhaps even a marriage and a small child/children. And if this is so, then living with the older generation is unlikely to contribute to the longevity, warmth and strength of your connection with your “soul mate”.
There are many reasons for this: from banal difficulties in having sex (when mom and dad are watching TV through the wall) to copying the model of parental relationships. A young family should be a separate “state” with its own rules and laws, with its own customs and habits, with its own plans. Under parental supervision, even the most gentle and respectful, this is impossible in principle. And if the older generation does not approve of your choice or is despotic, then you will definitely not see a quiet life with your loved one.
Your hidden grievances will live and be reinforced every day
Most people have some kind of expressed or unspoken grievances against their parents. They forgot about the matinee, did not allow them to take up a hobby and turn it into work, spanked them in front of other children - such things are not forgotten, especially if there was no repentance and apology from the mother and father after them.
However, all these phenomena can be overcome and not allowed to affect your psychological health, your maturity and wealth. But at a distance. It is difficult to take and throw hidden childhood grievances out of your head if you see your parents every day, and even, perhaps, you are faced with new conflicts: living together cannot do without them. This argument becomes especially powerful if your relationship with your mom and/or dad is, in principle, quite complex and painful.
So, if you are already 22 years old and you live with your parents, it will be better for your own good and for the normal development of your relationship if you move out. Even if it seems to you that you live together in perfect harmony, after moving you will probably feel how much you have been deprived of, and how much easier it is to breathe in a truly independent life.
