Just recently, you doted on your friend, and sincerely believed that it would always be so, but now... Any communication with her tires you or even irritates you, you ask your friend for advice less and less, and try to avoid “heart-to-heart conversations” . Yes, no matter how loud odes to friendship are sung, even the strongest friendship can come to an end.
Very often we lose friends, leaving them at some stage in our lives, and we ourselves move on. Sometimes such liberation from friendship is useful and even necessary, and sometimes we simply lose a person who is valuable to us only because we were unable to sort out the relationship in time and resolve existing problems. How not to make a mistake? How not to lose a true friend? And how can you break unnecessary friendships with less losses?
No one is immune from situations where friendship fades away. The reasons for such a decline in relationships can be different: your interests and trends in life began to diverge, a friend seriously offended you or treated you rudely, you are simply tired of each other...
But despite this, something almost always keeps us close to such a friend. We may be disappointed in her, feel her pressure on us, get irritated, but we still call her a friend and cannot end the friendship in time. This is usually due to several reasons:
Attachment. You for a long time you communicate, you know a lot about each other, you have many mutual acquaintances, friends, “you grew up in the same sandbox and sat at the same desk,” the loss of this person will have a painful impact (as you think) on yourself.
Connections IN modern world Having connections is very important, and the loss of one link (in this case, a friend) can lead to negative consequences. This applies mainly to cases when your friend is engaged in the same field of activity as you.
Real friendship feelings. You have already developed a fairly strong emotional connection with this person, you really have warm feelings for each other, but you gradually began to have too different interests and worldviews.
What's the best way to proceed?
Sooner or later, this question still arises for every person who finds himself in a similar situation. Basically - when “the cup of patience bursts,” that is, in a stressful state, perhaps even aggressive. At such moments the only the right decision It seems like “cutting it at the root”, breaking off all relationships, erasing a person from your life. This is not always the best solution, since such impulsive actions entail negative consequences. Therefore, having realized that friendship is causing more and more discomfort, it is worth analyzing not only what exactly does not suit you, but also what still connects you with this person:
If it’s just affection, then it will be enough to minimize your communication. You may have to show a little coldness, but still remain polite and friendly. Those long years that you spent together cannot be lost, the past cannot be changed or thrown away, so such people are still unlikely to completely and completely disappear from your life.
If your friend is a good intermediary in your business connections and is somehow connected with the areas in which you work, relax, etc., then try to take your relationship to a business level, become more responsible and stop relying on “friendly help.” In this case, you will slowly remove yourself from friendships and at the same time become more collected in deciding some business issues(we are usually greatly relaxed by the fact that somewhere a friend will help us for free). If you continue in the same spirit, but at the same time cool the relationship, then the person will most likely decide that you are using him, which can lead to unforeseen negative consequences.
If you still feel that the person is dear to you as a friend, but at the same time you are uncomfortable because of the divergence of interests, try to adapt to each other in order to save the friendship. This usually applies to situations like this: you have been friends for a long time, but recently your friend has developed a new hobby that you don’t understand and even irritates. You shouldn’t join her right away, but you shouldn’t force her to side with your interests either.
Try to agree with your friend not to discuss her new endeavors. Do not get into arguments or try to convince your friend, respect her choice, even if you are not happy. Constantly translating the topic will usually not produce effective results, but it will also cause discomfort. Therefore, get together and talk frankly with your friend, explain that you do not like such hobbies, but you approve of her choice and are glad that she enjoys it. We often hesitate to start a direct conversation for fear that we will offend the person and that we may lose our warm relationship with him. In fact, you can lose a person if you always leave something unfinished. A direct conversation, although it will unsettle a person for a while, will encourage him to think and change something. Besides, who else but a friend should point out our shortcomings to us? But do not forget that such a conversation should be tactful, with a firm core, but not putting pressure on the interlocutor.
In the end, I would like to say that you should not “throw away” your friends, you should not erase them from your life if you are disappointed in them, offended, or the friendship has begun to strain you. Always analyze the situation, and do not immediately break off all ties and relationships, because often what seemed so terrible and hopeless to us today may turn out to be a simple trifle tomorrow, and the relationship is already ruined.
Good luck with your friendship!
It happens that you have been friends for many, many years, perhaps even since childhood, but over time a gap grows between you. It seemed like there was nowhere for it to come from. You didn’t quarrel, didn’t argue, and there wasn’t even a misunderstanding between you, but something went wrong. Let's try to figure out what exactly broke.
Do you remember how you made friends as a child? This required only good mood, new toy or something else minor. And there were also many reasons for quarrels. Today we had a fight - and tomorrow we will be bosom friends forever. And everything is so easy and simple.
Over the years, everything becomes more complicated. It seems like you are quarreling less and less, but if quarrels happen, they are in smithereens, and sometimes there is a complete collapse, without the possibility of getting everything back.
What should you not do to prevent your friendship from becoming enmity?
Stop forgiving her everything. She is constantly late, forgets about her debts, abandons you in difficult times, but you forgive everything, because you are the best, forgiving and understanding friend. But with time she, a friend will sit on your neck and will consider that you are obliged to do this. But when the freebie ends, she will be wildly offended, and perhaps accuse you of all mortal sins.
Don't give advice. It sounds strange, but it's true. Everything is good in your life, and you are trying to help your friend, give her useful advice, which is possible. once helped you too. But my friend’s head is spinning: “She constantly gives me advice, she thinks that I can’t do anything myself!”
Don't make a vest out of your friend. Nobody likes to constantly hear about how bad everything is for you. And believe me, the longer you talk about your problems, the further away your friend will be from you. Stop making a vest out of your friend - and your friendship will last a long time.
Don't step aside. when at a friend's trouble. Never leave your girlfriend difficult situation, otherwise you will immediately lose her, and then you will regret it for a long time. After all, you probably rely on your friend’s support when you are in trouble. Know that she expects the same.
Don't show off your wealth. You invite her to cafes, restaurants, shops where she cannot afford anything. Or are you giving her a gift? expensive gifts. You think that this is normal, but she is worried that she cannot repay you in kind, and in general that compared to you she is almost a beggar.
It's normal to share your achievements and enjoy each other's successes. But traditional Friday get-togethers should not turn into a vanity fair. If you are preparing a short list of your accomplishments for your next meeting, something may have gone wrong. In case of failure, a friend should support, and not assert himself at your expense. Otherwise, it will negatively affect your worldview, but is that really what you want?
2. Your friend is jealous of you
The position “Either I or he” looks more or less adequate in middle group kindergarten. When school years are long behind us, such ultimatums, jealousy and attempts to control look at least strange. You have the right to enter into love and friendship relationships on the side, and if your friend does not understand this, it is safer to stop communicating.
3. All your parties end with a hangover.
Perhaps you have a friend with whom you can have a lot of fun, raid bars, have a drink. But if each of your meetings is accompanied by alcoholic libations, and in the morning you are drunk from the night before and are ashamed to remember last night, this is an alarm bell.
Friends must have common interests, but alcohol cannot be the only catalyst for relationships. Here we are talking about other dependencies. In addition, communication should charge you with vigor, and not put you to bed for a day with a headache and a wet towel on your forehead.
4. You are forced to play the silent game.
Friendship and love relationships are good and productive when they are a full partnership. At the same time, you give and receive in approximately equal shares, and we are not just talking about material things. If in all conversations the interlocutor almost always talks about what interests him, and you just nod and don’t have time to get a word in, this is normal only in one case: there is a “psychologist” sign hanging on your door and the interlocutor is not your friend, but a client.
5. You only share bad news.
Friendship, like marriage, is designed for you to be together in sorrow and in joy. When you start throwing only negativity at each other, saving the good news for someone else, the relationship isn't working well. Perhaps you are afraid to share happy moments, because this will be followed by devaluation, an attempt at competition. And this is a very clear hint that it’s time to end the friendship.
6. Your friend gossips a lot
There is a deep gulf between discussing mutual acquaintances and judging them. If a friend likes to touch someone's bones, talk about unpleasant secrets, find non-existent flaws, you should think about whether you can trust him. There is a great risk that your secrets will spread throughout the city, and in a distorted form.
7. Anticipation of a meeting scares, not delights
You no longer include get-togethers with a friend in your plans, but the thought of chance meeting More frightening than pleasing. And this is not just an alarm bell, but a siren that notifies you of the need to evacuate from this friendship. The fact that nothing connects you anymore is also hinted at by your reluctance to spend time together: you always invite a third or fourth person to a party so that they can act as a buffer between you and fill awkward pauses in the conversation.
8. A friend asks you to do things that are harmful to you.
For example, if a person asks you to get up early to help him light the battery in his car, that's fine. If he demands the same when you have an important meeting at work, and then gets offended that you didn’t help, you should think about it.
9. A friend always pushes his position
You probably have not only common interests, but also different ones. For example, you like Mexican cuisine, a friend - Japanese. But instead of alternating restaurants, you sadly eat sushi and rolls over and over again, while your friend flatly refuses to even look at the guacamole. During get-togethers, you listen only to jazz, although you yourself love rock, watch Iñárritu’s masterpieces, although you would love to watch Scary Movie. The game of one goal should be stopped; friendship works on the principles of reciprocity.
10. You're afraid to be vulnerable around a friend.
You have been communicating for a long time, you know a lot about each other, you have found yourself in funny and embarrassing situations together, but now you are uncomfortable sharing with your friend. Especially if we are talking about something important. Perhaps one day he did not support you, was sarcastic or rude. In any case, even if a friend behaved impeccably, but you don’t want to share your secrets with him, this is a hint that your paths are beginning to diverge.
11. After meeting with a friend, you feel empty instead of inspired.
Anything can happen in a relationship, but overall it should rather motivate and support you. If the friendship has turned into overcoming and you are holding on to it only because of nostalgic feelings, it’s time to end it.
AND real love, and the friendship may end. Try not to get discouraged and keep moving forward.
None of us is ready for losses and for the severance of existing ties, which until recently meant a lot. When friendship ends and the flame of love fades, it’s as if something dies in us... Our brains are genetically programmed to communicate with other people. This is how we learn and, without exaggeration, survive, that is, we can move forward along our life path.
What to do if love has passed and friendship has ended...
But when our brain clings to something permanent, we forget one very important thing: life does not stand still, it moves, things change, and we should change along with them, adapting to circumstances.
When a friendship ends, we experience sadness and may feel lost. This is fine.
After all real friendship gives us joy and emotional support. However, sometimes life can be unpredictable. We may develop new interests, and former friendships may begin to gradually disappear (this is inevitable).
The same thing happens with love relationships. Perhaps there was betrayal or disappointment, or love caused us more suffering and pain than joy. Maybe the love “gone” from one of the partners, evaporated, and no one knows how this could happen.
In these cases, it is necessary to take a step forward. Even if it is difficult for you and it seems that the puzzle of life has fallen into small pieces, know that it can be put back together!
And today we will explain to you how to do this.
When friendship ends...
This fact may seem curious: friendship has different meanings for men and women. Moreover, this does not mean at all that it is more important for representatives of one sex than for others.
- The difference here is rather in the impact. According to a study conducted at University College London (UK), Friendship has a calming effect on women.
- For a woman, friendship with other women is an opportunity to speak out and pour out her soul. This is one of the ways to solve problems, combat accumulated stress and feelings of increased anxiety. That is, an intimate friendship goes into the emotional world of a woman.
- For men, friendship is a more practical phenomenon.: this is spending time together, planning leisure time, achieving professional goals, etc.
- Men value their family and life partner more. This way they can truly achieve emotional intimacy with a person. It is not necessary for them to communicate on personal topics with friends, and, as a rule, they do not let friends get so close to them.
Perhaps this is why the loss of friendships is more traumatic for a woman, so to speak.
How to come to terms with the fact that a friendship has come to an end?
One friendship cannot be replaced by another, you just need to let it go. Ending a relationship is the ability to turn the page of your life and move on.
- Every person, every friendship and affection gives us a certain experience. You should not look for in another person what your old friend gave you. Let everyone be themselves and act as their heart tells them.
- Just try to accept the fact that some connections exhaust themselves, friendships end, and there's nothing wrong with that.
- People develop, become more mature, they develop new interests. It happens that former friends no longer give us positive emotions.
- So sometimes ending friendships is another way to grow and develop. It is important to stay close only to those people who are truly important and necessary to you.
When love passes...
When love ends, it hurts. It’s as if the lungs are compressing and preventing us from taking a breath of air.
- Nobody knows how and why love disappears.
- When this happens to us, we cling to hope. “Perhaps if I do this or say that, everything will go back to the way it was before.” “Perhaps if I change, he/she will love me again...” But it doesn’t happen that way. Moreover, this behavior is wrong. This way you will only strengthen and “close” the circle of negativity, disappointment, false hopes and pain.
- If love ends, we should understand it. Clarify the situation. This is the end and at the same time the starting point.
How to come to terms with the fact that love has passed?
The end of a love relationship is a difficult time, and it does not go away overnight. As a rule, it takes a person from six months to two years to recover morally. Of course, everything here is strictly individual, but There are several ways to help yourself cope with this situation:
- Act without losing your self-esteem. If you realize that you are not loved, accept it.
- Looking forward is not at all easy when so much is left behind. However, before feeding your soul with nostalgia and thoughts in the conditional mood (“if I had said this or done that”), try to focus on the present.
- You deserve to take care of yourself and restore your mental strength.
- Seek support from family and friends, live in the present. This is the only way you can build new happiness.
Time and yours positive attitude will work a miracle: mental wounds will heal, and life will fill the emptiness in your heart. published.
P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness, we are changing the world together! © econet
Today we will talk about friendship and friendly love.
There are four types of love: parental, friendly, self-love and partner. The deep differences between these types of love are determined by how the basic interaction is carried out - giving and taking. There is a big difference between how children and parents give and take, how people give and take in partnerships, and how we give and take in relationships with ourselves. And how we give and take in friendship.
The order of how I give and take is a basic element of the structure of our psyche, which dates back to ancient times. This is how relationships were built between the first people, relationships in the community, tribe.
What is friendship?
Friendship is a relationship based on the principle “I give you, you give me.” We keep a kind of accounting within ourselves, keeping records of how much we give and how much we receive. Of course, this happens subconsciously, at the level of emotions and sensations. If they helped me in trouble, then I also want to help in trouble. If someone lent me money, I also want to lend money later. This is how friendship is built. And friendship falls apart if I suddenly begin to give more in friendship than the person can return to me. Or vice versa, I receive more than I can give.
Many will be outraged by this statement, they will say: “Roman, you are wrong. Is it possible to reduce friendship to dry calculation and mutually beneficial exploitation of each other?!” Yes and no.
Our survival is evolutionarily linked to the extent to which we are able to share resources, exchange and repay debts. Survival in primitive society depended on this, and everything depends on this today. If someone helped me with food, I also want to help him with food in the future, I feel an internal need to repay the debt, responsibility for repaying the debt. Sometimes this feeling is associated with guilt. It is not right. This is exactly debt.
In friendship, the balance between “giving” and “taking” is important.”
In friendship, you need to maintain a balance between give and take. Let's imagine a situation where I am more wealthy than my friend, and I began to give more, for example, paying for lunches in a cafe, or buying tickets for the two of us to a concert or even a vacation trip. If my friend doesn't start giving me more in return, it will lead to the destruction of the friendship. The balance between giving and taking must be balanced.
Of course, it is not necessary to repay the debt in the same “currency”. For example, a friend in this situation may provide more support, more emotion, help, or whatever else I need. But if the two of us don't have the inner feeling that we give and take in equal quantities, the friendship will end sooner or later.
Let me give you a real case from my practice. There are two friends, they have been friends since childhood, their names are, say, Marina and Katya. Marina had a child, and then her husband loses his job, and they have a mortgage on their apartment. And a small child in her arms. Marina with a child, does not work, her husband is unemployed. Therefore, Katya, who has an older child, takes children's things, two large bags and brings them to her friend. She is incredibly happy about this gift. And he says: “Thank you, thank you, thank you.” And this “thank you,” backed by very strong emotions, is the first time she repays Katya’s debt. As I already said, it is not necessary to return material things if they gave you material things. Then Marina goes to the kitchen, takes oranges and gives them to her friend with the words: “Here, you can treat your little one.” But Katya refuses and says: “No need, you don’t have money now, you need these oranges more.”
Of course, these oranges are disproportionately less expensive than those two huge bags of children's things that she brought to Marina. But for Marina, oranges were like a symbolic return of a material debt; she received something from Katya and wanted to give something in return. If Katya took the oranges, the balance between give and take in the relationships of her friends would again come into balance. But since Katya rejected what her friend wanted to give her, Marina feels humiliated, obliged, disappointed, and angry. We don’t want to be burdened with debt; we don’t like being in debt to someone. Therefore, it is important to maintain a balance between giving and taking. And therefore anger at virtue is a very common phenomenon.
Is it possible to strengthen friendship?
If we want friendship to grow, we need to learn to give and take and gradually increase the “volume of friendship.” For example, a friend gave me something, in some situations I give him back, according to my inner feelings, the same amount, and sometimes a little more. And there is no need to keep any statistics on paper, we feel it all inside, on an emotional level. And if a friend supports “expanding the friendship,” we move to the next level.
The ancient Greeks had special terms for such cases: “philia” - love between friends, and “storge”. The second word meant love between spouses, which is constantly developing and growing. But the word “storge” was also used to describe friendship, which develops throughout one’s life when it comes to the point that a friend is ready to risk his life for the sake of a friend. And it turns out that “philia” can gradually develop into “bargaining,” but this does not happen in one day.
How to find new friends?
Sometimes my clients ask me how to find new friends in mature age, and is this possible in principle? Maybe. For example, you had friends at school, university. But you finished your studies, and the friendship ended, everyone moved away, school friends became uninteresting, your company broke up.
It is important to understand here that in childhood and adolescence we almost always found friends on the basis of belonging to some group that we did not voluntarily choose. Our parents sent us to kindergarten, some children lived in our yard, then we went to school. Each time we found ourselves in a closed space with a limited number of people, even if there were 30 of them. And we had to choose one of these people and decide with whom we would exchange, with whom we would enter into a relationship of give and take. For example, at school it could be a friendship based on the principle “I’m smart - he’s strong” or “I’m beautiful - she’s smart.”
If you want to make friends as an adult, the first thing you need to do is think about what your interests are. Perhaps you enjoy cycling, hiking, going to the mountains, or taking personal development courses. And now, when you go to these places, you look for people there who you like. You start communicating, go hiking, ride bicycles, spend time together. And gradually, from among your acquaintances, from your comrades, these people will become closer to you and friendship will begin between you. Don't forget that building friendship is a long process. Building friendships is difficult, but as an adult you build them consciously with the people you choose.
Friends for different purposes
Since friendship is a mutually beneficial balance between give and take, there are friends for different purposes. What does it mean? For example, you can come to one friend and cry into your vest, but you cannot tell the same friend about joy, for example, that you were promoted and your salary was tripled. There is a friend from whom you can borrow money, and there is a friend from whom you will never ask for a loan. There is a friend who is ideal for hiking; in the mountains you feel with him as if behind a stone wall. But you can’t just come to him in the evening and drink beer. Different people- different friendships. And we cannot demand from all friends that they be friends with us in the same way. Although gradually increasing the “volume of friendship”, we can eventually move with some of them to a deeper friendship, “storge”.
What to do if the friendship ends?
It is important to remember that friendships can end, and you need to be able to let go of old friends. Every relationship ends, and friendship is no exception. It very rarely happens that we can maintain a friendship with someone for life. Just like a happy marriage for life is also rare. We need to internally let go of classmates, classmates with whom we no longer have the same interests, a friend with whom life has separated us. Say mentally former friend: "Thank you. Our friendship was pleasant, but our paths diverged. For all the time we were friends, thank you. Everything I gave you, I gave sincerely. Everything you gave me sincerely, I keep for myself. Thank you. Goodbye".
The better you are at giving and taking, the easier it is for you to make friends. Therefore, you need to develop a willingness to give, be aware of your needs and interests, and also be able to set boundaries so that you can timely end a friendship in which they only take from you, but do not give anything in return.
There is also the level of teacher-student and brother-sister relationships. These are also levels of friendship, but there the process of giving and taking occurs differently. We'll talk about this next time.
