Overprotective - excessive caring for children. More solidly and scientifically, the same thing is called hyperprotection (from the Greek hyper - over + Latin protecto - to protect, protect, patronize) The literal translation of the term hyperprotection is excessive care, overprotection. So when describing this phenomenon, it seems preferable to use the second version of the term, which with its Greek prefix satisfies lovers of foreign language terminology, but is still close to our native language.
Overprotection is expressed in the desire of parents to surround the child with increased attention, to protect even in the absence of real danger, to constantly keep them near themselves, to “tie” children to their mood and feelings, to oblige them to act in a certain way that is the safest for the parents. At the same time, the child is relieved of the need to resolve problem situations, since solutions are either offered to him ready-made, or are achieved without his participation. As a result, the child is deprived of the opportunity not only to overcome difficulties on his own, but even to soberly evaluate them. He loses the ability to mobilize his energy in difficult situations, he expects help from adults, primarily from his parents; the so-called learned helplessness develops - a successful reflex reaction to any obstacle as insurmountable.
Usually, a higher level of care is shown to children in the first years of life, in the presence of diseases, physical and neuropsychiatric defects. Outside of the action of these factors, overprotection is more characteristic of not very sociable mothers, with a limited, predetermined circle of contacts. They compensate for the lack of sociability in relations with children. The connection between the type of mother's temperament and the nature of care is more pronounced than among fathers: overprotection is more common in mothers with phlegmatic and melancholic temperaments. To a greater extent, overprotection is characteristic of mothers who dominate in the family, reflecting their involuntary intention to create dependence in children. At the same time, the psychological mechanism of "obliging" children to act in a certain, once and for all given way, is triggered. In addition, these mothers often try to form an isolated couple of communication in the family with their daughters, overprotecting them and not allowing the father to participate in the upbringing. If a daughter resembles her father and feels the need for emotional contact with him, such a conflict structure of family relations can adversely affect the formation of the girl's character and her subsequent relationship in marriage.
A special kind of overprotection is found in mothers with hysterical character traits, ambitious, seeking recognition of their power at any cost. The means of this recognition is the child, whose achievements are emphasized and highlighted in every possible way; a halo of exclusivity is created around the child and often a cult of permissiveness. In fact, the outstanding Russian publicist N.V. Shelgunov wrote about this form of overprotection a hundred and fifty years ago, long before the modern psychological concepts of upbringing were formed, in his Letters on Upbringing: him, is exactly the element of corruption that we are talking about. Why is it that the first-borns and the only children, and sometimes the latter children, come out mostly wrongly brought up? Only because the beloved child is the mother's idol, and her love is aimed precisely at removing from the child everything that interferes with his child's well-being. Not only does the child know no refusals, but he is surrounded by a whole network of voiceless rewards, constantly flattering him. In every look of the mother, the child reads approval, at every step he feels that he is the first, the only person - the center of the earth, around which everything revolves and whom it serves. And imperceptibly, step by step, the child grows up in an exceptional sense of primacy, out of obstacles, contradictions and hindrances and grows up as an unhappy "first person", with a flabby character, with the absence of any restraining discipline, incapable of fighting life. If the "first man" finally finds his place among people, then through many, many sufferings. "
Demonstrative hyperprotection
In fact, care and love in this case are of an external, demonstrative nature, calculated more likely to admiration of others, a public effect, than to take into account the emotional needs and age-related needs of children. This type of overprotection is observed more often in relation to only children and in some cases in an incomplete family. Overprotection here often makes up for the affectively sharpened need for affection and love, first of all, from the parents themselves.
The underlying desire of the mother to "tie" the child to herself, not to let go of herself, is often motivated by feelings of anxiety and anxiety. Then the need for the constant presence of children becomes a kind of ritual that reduces the mother's anxiety and, above all, the fear of loneliness, or more generally - the fear of lack of recognition, deprivation of support. Therefore, anxious and even more elderly mothers tend to be more protective. The problem of family relations, when the emotional cohesion of the spouses (parents) is upset, can also result in excessive attention of at least one of them to the children - as a form of compensation for the lost intimacy.
Fear for the child
Another common motive of overprotection is the existence of a constant feeling of fear for the child, obsessive fears for his life, health, and well-being. It seems to them that something must happen to children, that they need to be taken care of in everything, protected from dangers, most of which, in fact, turn out to be a figment of the suspicious imagination of parents. Overprotection caused by the fear of loneliness or unhappiness with the child can be regarded as an obsessive need for psychological protection, first of all, of the parent himself, and not of the child.
To a certain extent, parental anxiety can be justified due to the unfavorable combination of life circumstances in children, especially when they are physically and nervously weakened. However, this creates a reciprocal feeling of anxiety and dependence on the parents in the child.
Inert hyperprotection
Another reason for overprotection is the inertia of the parental attitude towards the child: they continue to treat an already grown-up child, to whom more serious demands must be made, as if they were little. Such an attitude usually takes place in cases where superiority over a small, inexperienced, defenseless child, the ability to take care of and mentor him is the main, if not the only, opportunity for personal self-affirmation of the parents themselves. It is clear that the growing up of a child, his gaining more and more independence frightens parents, since it deprives them of an important source of self-affirmation. Having no other opportunities to maintain their high status, they unconsciously strive to keep the growing child in the position of a small child, in comparison with whom and in relations with whom it is only possible to show their dignity. Therefore, such parents consider any manifestations of the child's personal growth as a challenge and strive to rebuff them. This problem takes on particular importance in adolescence, when the discrepancy between parental attitudes and the child's increased capabilities can lead to acute conflicts. The situation is aggravated by the fact that from an early age the child under guardianship is poorly oriented in all the variety of life situations, does not clearly imagine constructive ways of self-assertion, which can result in his acceptance of perverted, destructive ways, and this provides parents with new arguments in favor of his personal immaturity. In especially severe cases, this situation drags on for years and prevents the full-fledged self-realization of both parents and their grown-up child.
Consequences of hyperprotection
The main unfavorable role of overprotection is the transmission of excessive anxiety to children, psychological infection with anxiety not characteristic of age. This gives rise to dependence, lack of independence, infantilism, self-doubt, risk avoidance, contradictory tendencies in personality formation, lack of timely developed communication skills.
Parents need to be aware of whether their attitude towards children is tinged with excessive concern and anxiety. Honest awareness of the hidden motives of one's behavior, as a rule, helps to normalize attitudes towards children and the entire atmosphere within the family.
Psychologist work
For a psychologist, compensation for the phenomena of hyperprotection (hyperprotection) is an intractable task, since it requires long-term, psychotherapeutic work in its essence, and not so much with the child as with the parents, because this problem was created by them and only they can be successfully solved. Moreover, the problem is further complicated by the parents' unwillingness to accept the recommendations of the psychologist, the desire to justify their position by love for the child, a sense of parental selflessness. Genuine dedication is required in order to recognize the presence of one's own internal conflicts, personal problems, unconsciously projected onto the relationship with the child. This kind of recognition requires a high level of reflection, the absence of which even the most qualified psychologist can hardly make up for.
Parents have a responsibility to take care of their children, protect and protect them. However, sometimes adults greatly exaggerate their own role in the lives of maturing children. They begin to overprotect them. This style of upbringing is called overprotection. It is based on the desire of parents to satisfy not only the vital needs of the child, but also the imaginary ones. In this case, strict control is used.
What does the mother's overprotection lead to?
In most cases, overprotection is observed on the part of the mothers. This behavior greatly harms her sons and daughters. Boys especially suffer from this. The “mother hen” prevents them from acquiring independence, deprives them of their purposefulness and responsibility.
If a woman seeks to do all the work for the child, makes decisions for him, constantly monitors, then this hinders the development of the baby's personality, does not allow him to become a full-fledged person who is capable of self-service, taking care of himself and his loved ones.
And mother herself deprives herself of many joys, wasting time not at all on what is really worth doing. The son is unlikely to be able to please her with his achievements, because he will get used to being led and lack of initiative.
Thus, overprotection leads to the following consequences:
1. problems in determining your place in life;
2. Complexity, constant uncertainty, fear of taking responsibility and making decisions;
3. endless search for your own vocation;
4. problems with personal life, lack of family relationships;
5. inability to serve oneself;
6. inability to communicate with other people, resolve conflicts;
7. low self-esteem, self-doubt.
At the same time, mothers rarely realize that they are behaving incorrectly, which has a very negative effect on the boy.
Why does hyperprotection arise?
When the baby is just beginning his acquaintance with the world around him, the desire of parents to protect him from all troubles is fully justified. We are not talking about overprotection here. At three years old, adults should give the child more freedom so that he learns to be independent. If tight control persists at a later age, then the manifestation of overprotection is obvious.
What are the reasons for its appearance? Firstly, parents can try to “fill the void” in life through the baby, satisfy personal needs, feel significant and needed. This is how they want to be realized, if they did not find other ways for this, or they turned out to be unsuccessful.
Secondly, sometimes it can happen that adults, with their excessive care, try to drown out true feelings - hostility to the child. Children are not always born at the mutual desire of parents, some have a negative attitude towards their appearance. But then they begin to fear that their rejection may negatively affect their daughter or son, leading to sad consequences. To hide their remorse, adults "hide" their disappointment deep in the subconscious, replacing it with overprotection.
Thirdly, total control is a habit for moms and dads that they cannot get rid of. Parents who take care of the baby from the first days continue to behave in this way even when the children grow up.
Adults should understand that a child is a separate person who should have their own desires, requirements, dreams.
To become successful members of society in the future, they need to accumulate their experience, develop personal qualities, and be able to make decisions. Parents will still not be able to live forever, so sooner or later the children will have to live on their own. And without preliminary preparation it will be extremely difficult.
How to get rid of overprotection
Striking a balance between inattention and overprotection is not always easy to find. It is more difficult for families where there is only one baby, and they do not plan the second. However, it is necessary to adjust your behavior so as not to render the crumb a "disservice".
How do you “change the wrong direction”? To do this, you need to remember a few nuances:
1. First you need to realize that overprotection is bad for children. She will not make them happy, successful, purposeful, confident. On the contrary, it will take it all away. Parents are obliged to imagine how their child will live in the future if it cannot do without outside help. To achieve independence of the child should be gradually, and not in one day, alienate him from himself.
2. If adults have realized the erroneousness of their actions only when the son or daughter has already reached adolescence, then there is no need to continue to build around them a high wall of endless prohibitions. Parental control only causes conflicts and misunderstandings in the family.
3. It is more correct to communicate with the child “on equal terms”, to establish warm relationships based on trust. It is necessary not only to be interested in their life unobtrusively, but also to share your fears, consult, ask for an opinion on some issues. However, you should not demand adult responsibility from the child for their actions. He should be independent, but within reasonable limits.
4. Each person learns more effectively from his mistakes than from the experience of others. Therefore, there is nothing wrong if at times the crumb will make mistakes, experience bitterness or disappointment. This is quite natural, and sometimes even useful.
Adults should allow the child to live their own lives, experiencing both joys and sorrows.
Building relationships correctly
Sometimes being a lazy mom is better than being a "mother hen". After all, then the child will definitely not become helpless and weak. If you do everything for him, then he will be absolutely not adapted to adult realities. And if for a girl to be completely independent and independent is important, but not so important, then in a boy you need to form the makings of a real man from childhood. In the future, he will have to bear responsibility not only for himself, but also for his family, wife, children, as well as other relatives.
It is not recommended to express constant criticism to the child. Sometimes he needs guidance on the true path, explanations and help, and not boring lectures. The kid will understand that they do not scold him every time, but understand and help, expect independence.
You cannot first blame the baby for scattered toys or a torn button, and then eliminate the consequences of his pranks on your own. Better to express dissatisfaction with the behavior of a son or daughter, instructing them to eliminate the results of leprosy. Let them not succeed the first time, but then there will be no desire to commit wrong actions again.
Reaching a conscious age, children, especially boys, will feel their differences from their independent peers. If the latter manage many things and little things easily, then "mama's sons" cannot cope even with elementary duties. And this leads to the ingraining of feelings of inferiority.
Thus, parental overprotection is very harmful to children, and not good for them. This must be realized and taken into account when educating. The consequences of excessive care negatively affect the development of the child. Responsibility and independence should be formed in it, and not a person who is unprepared for adult realities should be cultivated.
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No wonder they say that hell is paved with good intentions. And it would seem that even love and attention to one's own child can play a bad joke with him if they are excessive. In psychology, it is customary to call this "overprotective" child's overprotection. The very case when natural care for a baby develops into excessive excitement and constant fear for his fate, restriction in freedom, desires and even dreams. But how not to miss the very moment when you should stop, and what to do if your attention in the child's life has already become too much?
The one and only
Do not create an idol for yourself, but give birth to it yourself - the main idea of parents with conniving hyper-care syndrome. It often occurs in incomplete families, where the mother, left alone with the child, pours out all her unspent love and attention on the precious child. Getting used to permissiveness and his own ideality, later he may not find recognition in the team, and it is rather painful to perceive the lack of universal admiration. And even after years, the echo of excessive guardianship can remind of itself. Having grown up as the center of the family and the universe, a man runs the risk of facing difficulties in arranging his personal life. How can you leave home, leaving your mom? And the mother, in turn, will not want to share the attention of her son with another woman.
Kids in a cage
It is no secret that many exhibitions of handicrafts in kindergartens do not resemble the creativity of kids, but the competition of parents. And instead of the exhibits crumpled either by fate or by a child's hand, the multi-colored applications of Pope Seryozha and a colorful self-portrait of Lena's mother proudly rise on the shelves. The very case when the child's desire to cut, draw or dazzle is crossed out by the parent to do everything smoothly and neatly. On the one hand, such perfectionism can allow you to get a well-deserved cardboard medal, and on the other, it can generate doubts about your own abilities in a crumb. In the future, this may lead to the fact that all the cases he started will be abandoned halfway. Why continue? After all, there is always mom and dad next to them, who will do much better ...
Often, overprotection of children is observed in families where a sickly or physically disabled child lives. In the desire to protect their child from everything in the world, parents only make him more vulnerable, completely unadapted to life, existing either behind his mother's wing, or a cage. Remember the movie about the guy from the bubble, whose mother wanted to protect the once sick son from the "world of dirt and other terrible things." Once outside the house, he could not even buy a bus ticket on his own! Life, of course, is not a film, but in reality, overly patronized children are afraid to take an extra step without mom and dad, to defend their point of view and protect themselves. Any decision making engenders self-doubt, doubts and thoughts about their own inability, which can ultimately lead to a lack of friends and mental disorders such as psychoses and neuroses.
Signs of overprotection:
- excessive attention to the child;
- the desire to protect him in the absence of real danger;
- the desire to "tie" the child to himself, making him addicted;
- ridding him of any situations requiring a solution;
- development in the child of learned helplessness - a reaction to the slightest obstacle as insurmountable.
How to get rid of parents overprotection of a child
The first and, probably, the main thing that psychologists advise parents to do is to see an independent person in their child. It may not be devoid of flaws, but, nevertheless, capable and unique. However, many parents, especially mothers, find it difficult to shift all their attention to someone or something, and also to accept the fact that although their children love them, they can do without them. The following tip for getting out of your mother's skirt has not only practical but also practical benefits in empowering a child with responsibilities. Making the bed, removing toys, clothes, dishes from the table, taking out the trash, walking the dog, which, by the way, he himself asked for - all this will not only add a crumb of responsibility, but also free up the parents' personal time. By the way, mothers who are not susceptible to overprotective syndrome say that good films are shown on TV.
It will also be useful to draw up a schedule indicating how much time is allotted for rest and completing lessons. The latter, by the way, also require separation. The easy ones are performed independently, the medium ones with little tips from the parents, and the tasks with an asterisk together with mom and dad, remembering, but how was this solved twenty years ago? In addition, unwillingness to do housework should be prosecuted under the family code. According to which, the fined is deprived of a computer or is engaged in general cleaning of the apartment. The main thing is that the conditions of punishment are announced in advance and do not become a surprise for the junior in rank.
Also, psychologists recommend deciding on extracurricular activities, circles and sections. The new hobby will allow not only to develop independence, perseverance, attention and imagination, but also to increase self-esteem, see the result of your work, and also make like-minded friends (read “ How to identify talent in a child"). It is important that the classes, first of all, please him, and not the parents. Now their task is not to redo all the affairs for the child, but to help, observe and support. And there is no need to be afraid of mistakes! After all, each of us turned over, smeared and threw out more than one bowl of porridge before we independently learned to hold a spoon.
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Question to the psychologist:
I am 31, my mother is 61. I have extremely incomprehensible feelings towards her, for which I am ashamed. To begin with, she was very attached to her mother, my grandmother. And she is now demanding the same from me. Yes and earlier as well. In her youth, she liked to say that: "Mom should be the best friend!" with a hint that it was to her that I should tell about all my experiences and secrets. Often, when she got bored, she liked to come to me, a teenager, sit down next to me and start asking "tell me something." She was offended by the refusals. "You don't love me! You don't want to tell your mom!" (How indescribably infuriates me to this day by her habit of talking about herself in the third person!) She never aspired to be this very friend, always put herself with me as an authority, just as a parent puts herself with a child. Oh yes. At 17, she read my personal diary. There was nothing like that, I described my first sex. And for that I got a lot from her. To my questions, how can that be? .. It's PERSONAL then and ALWAYS she answered that "Mom should know everything." Always, as soon as I started talking about leaving for a larger and more prosperous city from ours, she literally started hysterical with insults ("Who needs you there") and tears ("Do you want to leave me ?!"). No, she is not alone, she and her father have been together for over 30 years, she also has a sister who lives with them, has friends. But my mother is still unable to let me go. Constantly transfers food (they live in a private house with a vegetable garden), although my husband and I do not eat them, terribly offended if we refuse. I asked to look after the cat on vacation - as a result, we found the apartment licked to shine, with "order" in all the closets, things laid out at her discretion "because it is so convenient." At my request to give the keys - she burst into tears, she did not give the keys. Many times before, it had happened that she, having the keys, entered without warning, sometimes at the wrong time. Sometimes during scandals she says that "I am everything for you, I live for you!" ... And hysteria when I ask her to finally live for herself and stop suffocating me with her care. She never listens to my requests, dismissing even the elementary one - to call before her arrival. Or not go to our apartment (there are some of her things here) when we are not. She once grew into her mother, and it seems to me that my mother always loved her grandmother more than me, I am not offended for that, she just always paid more time and attention to her grandmother than to me. And when my grandmother passed away (that was a long period of about 2 years, I was 15-16, when my grandmother was sick and my mother was all in her), all her need for a "close person" collapsed on me. And I have already lost the habit of it. And in general, I was never attached to her, even as a teenager (about 14 years old) it was wild for me to see how, for example, my roommate in the children's camp whined every day that she wanted to see my mother. I cannot reproach them with my father that I was deprived of something materially, the family is not rich, but I always had what I wanted, most likely because my mother knows how to save money. Now I am in a position and I think that she will be the last one to know about my pregnancy. I just can't stand the thought of how she, with her hyper-concern, will begin to behave and climb where they are not asked. She always says that she is pleased to help us, she likes it when we ask for something. And I am trying to learn how to live on my own (She lived with me until my 28 years old, having set a condition for me: we will disperse only when you find a man with whom you will live), without relying on the help of parents, because I often think that when they are gone I do I will not be able to make any decisions myself. For some reason I cannot get rid of the thought that communicating with her only irritates me. And I feel guilty that I am not “tender”, “little animal”. I cannot express in her direction any gestures such as hugs or kisses, it is unpleasant to me, like some kind of barrier. Although I squeeze my husband without any problems. It’s hard for me that I didn’t turn out the way she wanted, that I’m not a “mom-addict”. I often tell her that we are different with her, couldn’t it be possible to see this in my entire life? .. For her, MOTHER is God. For me, a mother is a relative, with her own shortcomings, to whom you can and should sometimes say NO. I do not argue with the fact that I am spoiled in many ways, however, this realization does not help me in any way in communicating with my mother. How to learn to communicate with her?
PS She does not believe in any childhood traumas and psychologists.
The question is answered by the psychologist Efremova Olga Evgenievna.
Hello Evelina.
I understand how difficult it is for you to communicate with your mother, and since your relationship "took shape" for a long time, it will be difficult to help you in a nutshell. And of course I can't give you advice on how to "remake" your mother to make it easier to communicate with her. But for your part, you can change something. Your mom behaves in a typical "dependent" personality type. She is used to being in a merger with her mother (that is, two separate people practically live as "one" person, without their personal space separate from the other) and now, when she is not there, continue the same relationship with you. I am glad that before adolescence you managed to partially separate into a separate adult personality, but still you had to adapt, defend invasions of privacy, and it seems now the moment has come when your resources are running out. Of course, you won't be able to change your mother, but you can change the form of communication.
First, I recommend reading more about addictive relationships so that you better understand what and why is happening to your mother, what needs and desires drive her, and how this affects you, the person to whom her addiction is directed (taking the form of "hyper-care") ... Your mother has not learned to be a "separate", emotionally independent person (they have not been taught this in her family, so she simply does not know how to do it differently), so she needs a second person in order to feel whole. She needs the constant support of the second person - his attention and love, and, most unpleasantly, his personal space. Now she gets her integrity out of the role of a mother - that's why she speaks of herself as a mother in the third person - this is her role, which is emphasized for her. You intuitively correctly wanted to redirect her attention to herself and your life, but this is unusual and unfamiliar to her, and it is difficult to change something, to rebuild herself, especially if everything suits her. But still, the only way out is to help her become more independent emotionally (to be honest, it is already very problematic with people of her age), that is, to help her separate from you. You can also give her support, attention and love in a form and quantity that suits you. And get used to it gradually.
The last option is what you can change. If you want to change your relationship - remove any forms of dependence on your part - really make all decisions on your own (or with your husband - what concerns your family with him), do not involve your mother in your personal issues. Calmly explain why it is important for you to independently control issues with your personal life (for example, with regard to your apartment), clearly arguing and always with assurances that you love and respect her, and this will not affect your feelings in any way, do not blame, say more about your feelings and needs, and about your feelings for your mother - always in the "I-message" format. For example: “I appreciate and respect, mom, your desire to help and take care of me, and I love you very much, but I don’t need so much care. I am 31 years old, I have a husband, and I don’t need so much care. And I also have a need to feel like a mistress in my house. Therefore, it is important for me that you warn me when you want to come or do not come when we are not at home. It would be the best care for me on your part. Then I will really feel that you care about me, and that you understand me and care about my feelings too. " This is as an example, of course, talk about your feelings, in your own words, the main thing is sincere, without portraying or pretending.
Second, you need to deal with those feelings that are now interfering with "normal", calm communication with your mother. Of those that you named, apparently the strongest are irritation and guilt. Apparently you are already experiencing them constantly, as a background, I think a lot of them have accumulated over the years, therefore it is undesirable to ignore them further. Both guilt and irritation are latent and suppressed anger, which nevertheless erupts, but in a more “softer” or “acceptable” form.
It is normal for any person to be angry when their boundaries are violated, but many of us are not accustomed to adequately defend and defend them, and even more so in many families there is an attitude - to be angry with parents ?? Is it possible at all ?! () You can express anger in an acceptable form, talking about what makes you angry and why, explaining why you are hurt by another person's action (again in the form of an I-message, then this will not cause a response of defense and attack).
But you can do this when you get rid of the big "charge" of that inner anger, irritation that has been accumulating for a long time. Otherwise, at the slightest reason, a whole avalanche of what you have been holding back for a long time will break through, and you will not be able to talk calmly.
In the format, as I can give advice here on the site - letters help to release such accumulated feelings. For example, this technique: 7 days in a row. 5 evenings write on a piece of paper 40 sentences about feelings for your mother, starting with the words "I forgive you for ..." - and write all those experiences, resentments that you have experienced / are still experiencing because of your mother. That is, you do not apologize for her actions, but for your feelings and experiences, for what is happening to you. Wrote - burn without rereading. Every evening - a new leaf. On the 6th and 7th day, start sentences with the words "I thank you for ..." and write what you are grateful for - lessons, experience, etc. If you need more days, give yourself as many as you need. It is a great self-help tool. If it is difficult to cope on your own, with a psychologist you will be able to quickly work through your feelings and rebuild your relationship with your mother. But in any case, it would be very useful for you now to free yourself from destructive emotions.
You also need to work with guilt - this is the button that your mother is used to stepping on - with her grievances, complaints, accusations of insensitivity, etc. - to get the attention and behavior she needs from you. You are not doing anything wrong to your mom by living your life. So what do you feel guilty about? That you are not what your mom needs (convenient)? You have feelings, they are not what your mom would like, but they did not become bad because of it. Don't discount yourself from scratch.
You need to remove this guilt-shaped hook so that you do not cling to it all the time. The main thing is to understand - you are definitely NOT to blame for the fact that you are not what she needs. You do NOT have to and should NOT be dependent on her for the rest of your life. You have every right as an adult to have your personal life, your space, your needs and desires. Now you need to learn to speak about them directly, in a form accessible to her, of course with respect, etc. but still train you to hear and treat them with respect. Learn to negotiate with your mom openly (and educate her), ask her why it is so important for her to enter your space without demand, why it is important for her to transfer products to you, etc. about all the issues that cause you to have conflicts. You, too, need to understand her motives and needs in order to interact with them.
The restructuring process is not quick, not so simple, but relationships are always built not overnight. And your relationship with your mother has been developing for many years, so now it will take time to change them. Therefore, be patient and your efforts will not be wasted. And, of course, first of all think now about yourself and your future baby, try not to worry too much. Everything that happens around is the environment that you need at this particular time. Notice the good things that happen to you, feel grateful for it, and do what you can. And if there is something that you are unable to influence now, let go of your mental control of these things. Your positive emotions and peace of mind now are the health of your baby. This is the most important thing now.
Good luck, health, peace of mind and family well-being!
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Very often, parents, trying to surround their child with care and attention, make a big mistake.
They completely control the baby, preventing any manifestation.
What if the child does not obey? Find out about it from ours.
What is it: synonyms and antonyms of the concept
Hyper-care- This is a model of parental behavior in which the child is subject to total control.
Adults surround their child with increased care and attention, protecting him not only from dangers, but also from real life in all its manifestations.
Scientifically, hyperprotection is called "Hyperprotection"... The term denotes overprotection and overprotection, which adversely affects the object of hyperprotection.
Oversight() Is the opposite of overprotection. And if the lack of elementary attention and control is more common in dysfunctional families, then hyperprotection is characteristic of families that are prosperous and even "successful."
Causes and psychology
Overwhelming is the result of increased levels of parenting anxiety. Subsequently, anxiety is transmitted to children, who mirror the psychological problems of their parents.
Women are more prone to hyperprotection, than men. However, there are cases of total control by each of the parents (especially if the family has an only child, a long-awaited child, there was a precedent of childhood death or injury).
Causes of hyperprotection:
- (a constant feeling of impending disaster and a rich imagination, reproducing pictures of a fall, a child's illness, etc.);
- (the desire to be ideal / s in the role of parents and to raise the most flexible, intelligent and honest child through complete control of the child's life and actions);
- self-realization through a child(when the parent is unable to embody his ideas and realize his personal potential, the only available “sphere of creativity” is the child and his);
- guilt(the parent does not feel true love for his child and tries to compensate or redeem it with total custody and care);
- inability to adapt(the baby is growing, but parents still perceive him as a helpless creature requiring absolute parental care);
- problems in personal life(if an adult does not have friends and a partner on whom he can project his love and tenderness, the only object for adoration and care is a child who receives a “lethal dose” of attention).
How and in what way does overprotection manifest itself?
Mother over son
Abnormal mothers, whose overprotection extends to their sons, tend to restrict the healthy activity of the child, forbidding them to do household chores from the “female” category.
They believe that cooking, cleaning and washing is not a man's business.
Therefore, the son completely freed from domestic work.
As a result, the child self-care skills are not formed and basic provision of decent living conditions.
Mother is also too actively interferes with personal life son, criticizes or approves of his girls (and sometimes even tries to find a worthy companion for the child herself), tries to influence his choice.
Mothers over daughter
Hyperprotection over the daughter is manifested in the desire to prolong the period of "innocence" of the child in all senses of this concept.
The girl is being restricted not allowing her to do normal things for her age(going on dates, children's discos, birthdays, long walks, evening sports and creative sections, etc.).
At the same time, the mother can indulge the "female" daughter, buying her dolls, clothes, cosmetics and other things on demand.
Grandmothers
Grandmothers who are overprotective tend to criticize the behavior of their grown children.
They scold them for their independence, identify behavioral errors and try to fix everything.
This is especially noticeable during contact between grandmother and grandchildren... The grandmother begins to change the child's clothes, scolding her son or daughter who dressed the baby too easily, prepares “normal” food for him, washes handkerchiefs “correctly”, etc.
Parents over older children
Parents who raised a child sometimes cannot come to terms with the idea that the child is really ready for an independent life. Therefore mom / dad begin to interfere in all areas of the child's life.
And since control over an adult child is partially lost even in the case of hyperprotection (especially if the son / daughter live separately), the parents' desire to participate in the choice of “fateful decisions” for the child is exacerbated.
Advice about work, study at the institute, friends and soul mates, or must be strictly followed, or manipulations will be used.
Mother-in-law
Hyperprotection on the part of the mother-in-law is complicated by the fact that the right to care for a grown child has to be shared with his wife.
Hence, there is a feeling of jealousy, attempts to eliminate competition, resentment, manipulation and other attributes of confrontation.
The son at the same time gets a huge dose of care, since the mother wants to prove that only she can provide her child with a decent existence.
Hyperprotection is very clearly shown in the work "Minor", where you can track not only the signs, but also the consequences of this phenomenon.
Varieties
There are two types of overprotection that result in children opposite characters are formed.
Both types are equally destructive for the child and his independence, but at the same time they form different psychological attitudes and character traits.
Conniving
Parents adore their child and elevate him to the status of an idol.
Such children grow up with little hands, as adults remove them from any work.
Mother and father actively convince the kid of his exclusivity admire beauty and talents.
Any whims of the crumbs are instantly satisfied. Parents do not hesitate to attract relatives and friends to this, demanding from them worship and adoration of the child.
As a result, the object of hyperprotection overestimated self-esteem is formed, misconceptions about their talents, the need for universal recognition and dependence on people who will serve both basic needs and whims.
There is absolutely no adequate feedback from the child about the problems that arise, and if the child was unsuccessful in something, his caring parents blame the whole world for this, but not his own child.
Dominant
Child deprive of the right to their own opinion and will. Any decisions are made for him (from buying ice cream in a store to choosing a husband / wife). And if conniving hyperprotection is about the momentary fulfillment of whims, then the dominant hyperprotection is about the impossibility of embodying these whims.
A child is a doll in the hands of parents and his desires, interests, needs are simply ignored, considering this as childish stupidity and irresponsibility.
The child is not praised to prepare for the brutal reality.
But at the same time, he is not allowed to make decisions on his own, because only parents know which experience the baby simply needs to go through, and which experience is still too early.
What it leads to: the consequences
What is the danger of overprotection as a type of upbringing of children? Very often overprotective mother harmful to the child, inhibits his development.
Hyperprotection leads to the fact that the ability to independently solve emerging problems simply atrophies.
The object of excessive care becomes so used that other "providers of comfort" always make a choice for him, which already cannot make decisions and analyze the situation.
In addition to lack of independence, hyperprotection provokes other distortions of development... The mother shields the child from physical activity and sports for fear of injury. As a result, the kid spends his childhood at the computer, earning scoliosis and excess weight.
Also, parents feel sorry for the child who is tired at school, solving math problems for him and reading aloud works for retelling.
As a result, baby counts and reads the worst in class.
At the same time, adults stubbornly insist that other children simply cannot boast of anything else, or that teachers are unjustifiably kind / sorry to them. Those. the student also forms inflated self-image.
The opposite situation is the overestimated requirements for the child and the desire to turn him into an ideal and docile baby. Parental perfectionism renders damaging effects on the emotional health of a child.
So girls who have no talent for dancing are sent to ballet schools. Naturally, parents make excessive demands on them, but the babies, due to their physical data, cannot match. Hence the pressure, constant stress, overwork and health problems.
Complications
Complications begin to manifest themselves mainly in adolescence and adulthood in the form of affective disorders, neuroses, problems with social adaptation, inability to build relationships with others, lack of independence, insecurity and avoidance of choice.
At later stages of development, the personality of a teenager is formed, which leads to protest, scandals, attempts to escape from home, etc.
Correction of hyperprotection should start with parents.
For this, several effective methods are used:
- Psychologist consultation(Parents are told about the types of parenting and how each of these types affects the child and his development).
- (the specialist works with parents, eliminating insecurity, anxiety, negative attitudes and other conditions that provoke increased attention and care for the child).
- Family therapy(the specialist "takes" the child and the parents out of the usual model of interaction with the help of various trainings, exercises and techniques in order to develop a new relationship strategy).
Very important so that the parent is aware of the problem and is ready to work with it... Otherwise, the correction of overprotection will be ineffective and the only effective method of dealing with obsessive care will be to create a barrier between the child and mom / dad.
And this is possible only if the children have already grown up and have the opportunity to protect themselves from the constant attention of relatives.
Hyper-care Is always a painful form of love. Even if it is covered with good intentions, its action bears destructive consequences. Therefore, it is important to give the child the opportunity to gain the necessary life experience, make mistakes and make difficult decisions.
Consequences of overprotection in childhood:
