Our expert - psychologist Viktor Rudenko.
Looking for a father's son
Galina from Petersburg is 30 years old. She got married seven years ago. A year after the wedding, two stripes on the test told her about an "interesting situation." But nine months of pregnancy became the most bitter, difficult and oppressive in her life ... Simultaneously with the news of the addition to the family, she learned that her husband Paul was cheating on her. The impending birth of a child did not stop the traitor: he left the family.
“All these years I was looking for a husband, and for my son - a father, I dreamed of a strong, close-knit family,” Galina said at a psychologist's appointment. Five months ago, the situation seemed to have moved off the ground: on a dating site, Galina met the 42-year-old architect Nikolai. In her youth, the young lady also dreamed of becoming an architect, but then she chose a close profession - a civil engineer. Therefore, the newly-made couple had many common interests.
The age difference with Nikolai does not bother the young mother: she always liked older men. Doubts and painful thoughts in a woman are caused by a completely different circumstance: Nikolai has never been married, has no children, and does not even have experience of civil marriage. Throughout his life, a successful architect lived with his mother. But two years ago, my mother died, and the man was left alone.
What's wrong with it?
“I would like to understand whether the“ eternal bachelor ”can become a good husband and father? It is fundamentally important for me not only to find a new dad for my Vanya, but also to become a mother again. What if something is wrong with Nikolai, since in 42 years of his life he hasn’t found anyone? ” - such questions were asked by the psychologist Galina.
The specialist advised the patient to calm down. No need to torment yourself and your loved one with unfounded doubts and suspicions! Although Galina did not express to Nikolai her bewilderment about his protracted bachelor life, he certainly could not help but feel her wariness.
This is normal!
“Twenty or thirty years ago, psychologists and sociologists really seriously discussed the problem of“ old maids ”and“ eternal bachelors ”. At that time, the overwhelming majority of men and women were already starting a family by the age of 25 ... But since then, a lot has changed, average age the marriage of both men and women has increased significantly. Therefore, a man who has never been married should be perceived as completely normal, not looking for hidden vices in him. If a man has not yet married, this does not mean that he is a principled opponent. family life... It is possible that he simply has not found his soul mate yet. Or getting married more early age some external circumstances prevented.
For example, in the case of Nikolai, his mother could have a negative impact on her son. It is possible that it was she who “did not let go” of her son and prevented his marriage. At present, Nikolai has no obstacles to starting a family, so Galina has every opportunity to arrange her life with him, ”says psychologist Viktor Rudenko.
How can I understand it?
“Doctor, please tell me how I can understand Kolya? I love him, but it's hard for me to understand his intentions ... He meets me with pleasure, gets along well with Vanechka ... But when I tell him about the desire to live under one roof, create a family, have a child, he just jokes ", - said about his life situation Galina in a conversation with a psychologist.
The specialist advised the patient to be patient and not rush the development of events. Four months for many men is too short a time to make a decision about living together, let alone getting married. At the same time, Galina did the right thing, that in communication with Nikolai she clearly outlined her life priorities and goals. Now he has time to comprehend the current situation and draw conclusions.
Mom's Sons and Romantics
The "eternal bachelor" can be a great husband. After all, if he decides to marry, then this happens only out of great love. There are many real romantics among such men who have been looking for their soul mate for many years!
There are two main groups of discerning suitors. First, he lives his whole life in parental familyoften incomplete. Mom's sons may well be successful in work, have many friends. But in their personal lives, they are capable of marriage exclusively with women who will replace their mothers. Such men value first of all caring and thrift. Many of them are ready to connect their lives with older women.
The second category of “eternal bachelors” is made up of men who have lived alone for a long time and are quite successful in managing their household. They practically do not need consumer services... They themselves know how to cook, iron, and clean the apartment ... It is important for them to find not a housewife, but a like-minded person, a loved one.
Do not encroach on personal space!
As you can see, a bachelor may well become an excellent husband. It is only necessary to observe a simple rule: almost all inveterate bachelors, even after marriage, value their personal space very much. Therefore, you do not need to try to limit the communication of your life partner with friends and relatives, prohibit him from going fishing or going to football.
Respect for the personal interests of each spouse is the key to a strong marriage. However, this truth remains relevant not only for bachelors.
Personal opinion
Yulia Shilova:
If a bachelor is already over 50, he will not change. A man accustomed to living only for himself is unlikely to be able to take responsibility for another person. Here one can only hope for very great love.
“Why am I not married yet? Because I am an idealist. I take this issue very responsibly. I believe that many people get married because they fit superficially, not from great emotional intelligence... They get married because "well, all the boys are already, and I have to go," and not because they love, not because they met their only one. They do not think in advance about the man, about the woman they are taking as a wife, do not think that their marriage is doomed from the very beginning. And I think. “Many knowledge - many sorrows,” remember?
I had a long-term relationship, more than five years, but I was never ready to get married. Then there was a break in a serious relationship. Now I have been dating a girl for two years. But we don't even live together. You know, I have a friend - he does not start a relationship at all, only ties for one night. I'm always in a serious relationship. Our strategies are different - the result is the same in the end. Both are not married and have not met that one.
The problem is not with women, but that I feel for them. I am waiting for a certain feeling on my part, looking for a pure feeling. Another conversation that this eventually translates into searches on dating sites behind the back of a permanent partner ...
But I good man, I do not promise to marry, and I am not greedy, I do everything to make the woman feel good with me.
How do I know that the same feeling has arrived? Well, I loved, I was in love. Just then something went wrong. Yes, I am based on the experience of previous relationships: I would like to meet all the best from the past in the present.
As an intelligent person, I understand that I have developed my own image of an ideal relationship. And the ideal, by definition, does not exist in reality. But as an idealist, I still believe in the best and hope that real love I will still meet. Plus, men are more inclined to think that “I’m still a groom at 40”. Although, of course, this is also self-deception, I understand. "
Alexander, 35, scientist, not in a relationship
“The last few years I have been devoting all my time to my career and self-development. I have a clear plan that needs to be implemented. Now I just can't afford to be distracted by relationships. But in general, then I want to get married. I think it will be three years from now. Where does this figure come from? The next two years have already been strictly planned, and then it will take at least a year (if I'm lucky) to find a partner. This year I plan to enjoy life in all its forms.
There must be harmony in the relationship. Therefore, my person must meet the following criteria: one of them is the desire to be the best in his field of activity, then it will be interesting with such a person. The other is well-developed logic and analytical thinking. Then it will be possible to jointly make decisions and, if necessary, resolve problem situations from the standpoint of logic. It is important that this is a person who knows what hard work is, one who has the willpower to achieve goals, no matter what, who was ready and willing to sacrifice a lot for this. Arnold Schwarzenegger has a very interesting interview on this topic. "
Semyon, 39 years old, photographer, has been living in a civil marriage for three years
“My girlfriend and I love each other, we are doing well. But we are not planning to get married yet. And this is not only my decision. I asked her that if necessary, we can sign - she says she doesn't need that either. What's the point in that? For a stamp in your passport? We see no practical sense in this action. If it makes sense, why not. For example, we are not planning children.
Due to the unstable life in our country: there is no hope that a future is possible here at all. We want to emigrate, and it's easier to do without children, we learn the language, I am mastering the profession of a programmer. But when we emigrate, maybe we'll think about children. But in general we do not have such a goal - children. If I really want to raise someone, I don't mind taking a child from the orphanage. Well, if it’s too late, or if you just don’t get your own. I do not attach importance to any nonsense about the continuation of the noble family of the Kukuevo-Senovalovs.
The importance of children, in principle, is somehow inflated in our society. Children will never be us anyway. They are biologically similar, but the essence is different, this is a completely different person. And it's not even a fact that he will bring you this unfortunate glass of water in old age. You can only count on yourself.
I was married for 10 years, then we got divorced. He got married at 23 after the army: no education, no normal work, nothing really saw in life - an idiot. I would generally forbid getting married before 35, at least for men - that is, until you stop thinking a member. You look, and marriages would be stronger and a conscious choice. "
Text: Alexandra Kuznetsova
Let's first define who the bachelor is in relation to this article. It is clear that a bachelor is a man who has never been married. (Divorced people and widowers are not bachelors.) However, a man who is not married until 35 is rarely called a bachelor in our time. We also won't call a man aged 35-40 years a bachelor. Rather, he delayed his marriage a little.
Again, just a bachelor over 45 is of little interest to us. After all, he may never have married, since no normal woman wanted to marry him. Perhaps he has some serious mental disabilities. Perhaps he has strong bad habits (alcoholism, drug addiction). Maybe he has a serious illness or he cannot even earn his living.
We cut off such bachelors. Let them live in peace, but marrying them is actually harmful.
So, for us, a bachelor is a person who has achieved something in life, from 40 to 49 years old and does not have any serious deviations that prevent him from getting married.
A bachelor is theoretically an attractive object for women (we do not consider unattractive ones, as we agreed). After all, he is relatively wealthy, unmarried (which is quite rare at his age) and often even looks after himself and is outwardly attractive.
It would seem an ideal object for a woman. Therefore, let's look at the features of how to marry a bachelor.
The old bachelor is a cunning bitch.
It only seems that he is an ordinary man. In fact, for many women, he turns out to be more dangerous than homegrown Don Juans. You can read about how to calculate and how to avoid homebrew Don Juans in my first book. “How to fall in love with a Man for life? or Do not run after a man, let him run after you "or in the book" 23 mistakes with men. Mistakes on first dates. "
Why "sly bitch"? Think for yourself, if a man lived up to 45 years or older, outwardly normal, earns enough, without obvious mental and physical abnormalities, but managed to never marry, then he is quite dangerous for women.
After all, he can be an absolute simpleton in many matters of life, but it is precisely in not marrying women that he is a real professional. Maybe he even has one kind of simplest strategy, but he brought it to good professionalism.
Remember the classic film "Irony of Fate or Enjoy Your Bath" and the protagonist Yevgeny Lukashin, played by Myagkov. Lukashin is only 36 years old and now I would not call him an old bachelor. However, by the standards of Soviet times, he is a real old bachelor.
It would seem that he is a gentle man and there is no difficulty in marrying him. At least that's what Galya thinks - his fiancee, with whom he has been dating for 2 years. However, despite being gentle and flexible in other matters, when it comes to avoiding a wedding, Lukashin shows wonders of ingenuity and resourcefulness. He gets drunk, flies away somewhere, etc. And as he says in the film, he already had a similar episode in his life when he ran away before the wedding.
I will repeat it again. An old bachelor can be a different man in character. It may seem soft. He might be mama's boy. It may seem like he just didn't find the right woman.
In fact, he has a powerful algorithm inside him of how to escape from a woman just at the moment when the matter begins to move towards a serious relationship. If I were you, I would not underestimate the power of this algorithm.
Think for yourself. An old bachelor, who is relatively smart, wealthy and handsome, was already known to be the subject of hunting for many women, maybe a dozen (or several dozen) women. And he managed to evade all of them. So, not everything is so simple.
Here we come to tip number 1. If possible, then take for yourself another version of the man. (divorced, widower)
An old bachelor is a very difficult subject to hunt. He is more dangerous for a woman than a home-grown Don Juan. Don Juan only wants sex. A month of relationship and everything stops. Of course, some amount of suffering is inevitable, but within reasonable limits. With an old bachelor, women often spend not a month, but years, hoping that he will marry her. After all, an old bachelor usually needs not only sex, but some semblance of a family, only without unnecessary obligations.
And when a woman tries to transfer such an ersatz family into an ordinary one, the old bachelor often runs away. Years of life were wasted, and the result - the woman was left alone.
Don't even think that "Those 20 women didn't succeed, but I will definitely succeed"... I repeat that an old bachelor is the most useless option for turning a man into a husband (sometimes even into a civilian).
A divorced man or widower is not used to living alone. He usually needs a permanent woman after one to three years. He does not know how to cook, he does not know how to be alone (used to communicate), he has lost the habit of caring for women. (For example, I am married and in this regard have forgotten how to take care of women. Not for a wife, when care and attention is needed, but in the role of Don Juan). He lost all his friends.
The old bachelor is used to living alone. If you need to chat, then he still has a few friends. He knows how to cook for himself, often no worse than any woman. He has not forgotten how to look after women and more often keeps himself in shape.
That is, the old bachelor does not even particularly need a wife. He has insufficiently developed needs for this.
Marrying an old bachelor is a very difficult task, usually overwhelming. If you have a choice, then it is better to avoid and take on feasible tasks.
Moving on to advice number 2. If a woman fell in love with an old bachelor or for some reason does not want to look for another man, then you must knowingly come to terms with the fact that you will not be able to marry him.
Unfortunately, I can't jump straight to advice on how to marry a bachelor. There are too many examples around me when a bachelor lives with some woman for 1-3 years, and then breaks up with her. So it happens for 30 years in a row.
Therefore, to get acquainted with a bachelor and think that he will change for you, want a full-fledged family, etc. - this is too naive. I will not say that this is impossible. There are exceptions when bachelors change their habits, marry, and become good husbands. But this is rare.
Do not tune in to the fact that the bachelor will marry you, even if he seems to be attached to you and you live with him long enough. The most better attitude would be something like this: “It's good if I live with a normal man for several years in a row. And there it will be ".
Hence advice number 3. Be very careful about entering a man's life.
This humorous phrase reflects quite well the difference in the perception of men and women. Too quick an attempt at rapprochement made many men run away.
But if we talk about old bachelors, then compliance with this rule is 10 times more important. Actually, this rule is the main thing you need to know when dealing with old bachelors.
A woman just needs incredible patience or incredible ability to manipulate men in order to achieve results.
So, decoding the rule.
- Take your time with sex, especially if the man is not in a hurry. The relationship between a man and a woman is a combination of sex (eroticism) and friendship. In youth, emphasis on the first. After 45 years, if a man is not with signs of psychopathy or something else like that, then friendship should come first.
It is clear that a man is not a man, but a relationship is different. However general rule such. After 45 years average man becomes more like a woman in some way. That is, he needs to talk to a woman, be friends with a woman, much longer than in his youth, take care of her, and then sex.
- Do not rush to move to a man in his apartment.
This is a very powerful mistake for women to rush to move into an apartment or even, in principle, stay in it for a while. I have spoken several times with old bachelors.
They are often unhappy with something that other men would love. If a woman came to an ordinary 30-year-old man (who likes her, of course), for example, on Friday and would stay until Monday, then he, as a rule, is extremely happy about such happiness.
The old bachelor is another matter. He may not be at all happy with such an incredible offer from a woman. For him and the woman, if she wants to develop a relationship with him, it would be better to go home.
Therefore advice. Do not move to an old bachelor's apartment on your own initiative. Don't stay in his apartment for a long time. Do not move to his apartment, even if he asks. (Only if he persistently repeats the request). The initiative on the part of a woman is often harmful in a relationship with an ordinary man, read about this in the article "How to keep a man, or the Initiative is punishable", especially since female initiative is not needed in a relationship with an old bachelor.
Take your time to make any changes to the old bachelor's apartment.
What is the usual behavior of a woman in a man's apartment? Of course, she gradually adapts this cold and uncomfortable room to at least some condition. He will clean up there. Here he will rearrange the furniture in a different way. Still, of course, you need to put flowers, remove here and there.
The average man, who is not an old bachelor, is happy about such changes, or at least overlooks them. His main requirement is that he not be too attracted to all this.
The old bachelor is usually different. (This is partly why he is a bachelor) He has his own opinion on how his apartment should be equipped, where and what should be, and in what order. Your cleaning of things, rearranging the computer, furniture, etc., even if the bachelor pretends that he is satisfied with everything, almost 100%, that this is too rapid a decrease in distance, which the bachelor will not forgive you.
Therefore, even if you know how and what you need to equip in a bachelor's apartment, do not touch anything, especially at first. Do not move chairs, laptops, do not throw out his favorite old sweater with holes, etc. This is fraught with open or more often hidden discontent, the result of which will be inevitable separation.
- With great care, try to change the bachelor's habits, his character.
Changing the habits and character of a man is quite difficult, even if you have a young man in front of you. If we are talking about an old bachelor, then such a task becomes dozens of times more complicated.
Therefore, if you have an old bachelor, then very carefully try to change his habits. And the best thing is not to change anything at all at first. Adapt to what is.
However, it is very difficult not to try not to change anything in a person's habits and to live with him. Therefore, remember the advice where it is about not rushing to live nearby.
Live your life, meet when both have the opportunity and desire, and the need to change habits will practically go away on its own. After all, everyone lives his own life, what about then changing habits in question? Discomfort is caused only by bad habits of people living nearby. The bad habits of blacks in Africa are unlikely to annoy you much.
So don't touch the bachelor's habits. The easiest way to do this is if you do not move to live with him (or he lives with you) and do not meet very often at first.
Tip 4. Try to fit into his lifestyle successfully.
By the age of 45-50, an old bachelor acquires a mass of habits, friends, a business or a profession that he appreciates quite a lot. And if at 25 years old men are in many ways similar in their habits, then by 45-50 years old men disperse into "niches". Someone becomes a businessman, someone is a believer, someone plays with computer toys all day, someone goes on hikes or becomes an avid theater-goer, and someone spends a lot of time in the garden.
It is quite important to make sure that you successfully fit into such a niche lifestyle. If the bachelor lifestyle is completely alien to you, then it is better not even to try life together... If his lifestyle is similar, then gradually you can be imbued with his interests, and he can be imbued with yours.
The main thing is not to rush. It is better to move slowly towards the goal than to fall quickly. Try, if possible, of course, to please his parents, friends, adapt and learn to understand in his interests. Without this, it is difficult to talk about marrying a bachelor.
Here again, I remind you of slowness. The more time you live with a bachelor, the easier it will be for his friends and parents to like him, and the less it will matter to a man. If you have lived in perfect harmony for a year, then even a decent dissatisfaction with your appearance when meeting friends or parents may no longer play any role.
Of course, there are standard strategies such as "accidentally" getting pregnant. They are workers, but not for all bachelors. If you are mistaken in assessing the character of the bachelor, then it may very well be that he would prefer to disperse and even pay alimony, but not to be manipulated.
Once again I will repeat a little. Bachelors are those men who have never married until about 45 years old. Divorced people and widowers are not bachelors. Bachelors are a very difficult subject to marry. If you have a choice, it is best to avoid them.
The most important feature of interaction with bachelors is that you need to very, very slowly enter their life. A woman needs to have truly angelic patience or good manipulative properties. And it is worth considering, do you need it?
But bachelors also have good qualities. How many examples I saw when bachelors did get married, they were usually quite good family men in the future. Therefore, if your choice is a bachelor, then I hope that my advice will help you interact with them or, conversely, run away from them in time.
Best regards, Rashid Kirranov.
His bachelor lifestyle is his religion. He looks with surprise at men who voluntarily tie the knot with their beloved women. The most important thing in his life is freedom, and he is sure that the ring is on ring finger and a stamp in the passport will instantly bind him hand and foot. He is an inveterate bachelor. And all would be fine, let him be who he wants ... The only problem is one - you love him and passionately want to marry him.
Those who watched the film "Promising is not to get married" probably remember the story of one couple, whose relationship has already passed the seven-year mark, but there was no talk of a wedding. The roles of lovers were played by Ben Affleck and Jennifer Aniston. It is because of Ben's conviction that marriage will only ruin everything, the heroine Aniston begins to doubt the advisability of this connection and the sincerity of his feelings. She decides to put an end to the story, which, in her opinion, has long been deadlocked. It is this act that makes the inveterate bachelor rethink his attitude towards marriage, and he makes the marriage proposal so long-awaited for his girlfriend.
Inveterate bachelors are not easy to tame, and each of them needs a special approach.
I must say that such a method, of course, is able to convince a man who does not want to tie the knot in any way, but it is far from being applicable in every case. Inveterate bachelors are not easy to tame, and each of them needs a special approach. We decided to look at the most common reasons why freedom-loving men refuse to marry their girlfriends, and also find out how this refusal can be turned into consent.
He does not want to break the foundations of life
Surely you don't even live together, he is quite satisfied with meetings on your or neutral territory, going to restaurants and movies, as well as joint trips to resorts, but there can be no question of living together. What can we say about the word "wedding"? The mere mention of marriage begins to shake him. He explains everything that happens as follows: “I’m so used to living alone that now I can’t even imagine that someone will flicker in front of my eyes and place their female jars in the bathroom”.
What to do?If your bachelor is still quite young, then just give him time. Sooner or later, his friends will start creating families, and visiting their cozy apartments, he will see that there is nothing wrong with the woman he loves living next to a man. In addition, do not try to limit his freedom and, so to speak, “mark the territory”, leaving one personal thing after another in his apartment. Sarah Jessica Parker's heroine - the well-known Carrie Bradshaw - did not help a bit. The hairdryer, creams and lotions "accidentally forgotten" in his apartment were carefully folded by her beloved Mr. Big in a bag and brought back to the writer.
He's afraid to make another mistake
If your bachelor was already married and suffered an unenviable fate in the form of a difficult and painful divorce, then soon he clearly will not be going to re-tie the knot with a potential heartbreaker. Marrying such a man is not an easy task, but you remember that nothing is impossible.
What to do?Have patience. If the breakup was really difficult, then your task, first of all, is not to put pressure on your lover and give him time to re-tune in serious relationship with far-reaching plans. Become a real friend for him, the person he will need. But do not go too far: it is one thing to take care of your man, but quite another to become an obsessive "harassing" and fill his whole life with yourself. In the end (if you do everything right), he will understand that you are the woman he wants to marry, regardless of bad past experiences.
He's not ready yet
Usually this phrase can be heard from the lips of those men who are simply afraid to take responsibility for the family they are creating. They understand that, being single, they can live as they want: meet friends, look at girls passing by, return to their home in the morning and not be afraid that someone will start scolding them for a night out of bed. with his wife, and somewhere in the club. Of course, not all bachelors live this way: sometimes a man does not need a stamp in his passport in order to behave like an exemplary family man if he has a woman. But we are now talking about those representatives of the stronger sex who are panicky afraid to be responsible for someone other than themselves.
What to do? Perhaps this case is the most difficult. Sometimes such men do not change even over the years. However, we hasten to reassure you: such cases are quite rare, because sooner or later any man will want warmth, comfort and a delicious dinner after work. If your chosen one claims that he is not yet ready for marriage, and you, in turn, agree to wait for that happy moment when he will finally be ready, then try to make your relationship as simple as possible: do not talk about the registry office and children, do not put bans on what you can tolerate (for example, on his trips to the bar with friends). Perhaps one day he will realize that he wants to wake up next to you every day and wear a ring on his ring finger. The main thing is not to spend your whole life waiting.
The objects of our research in this article are men who are not ready to take responsibility for women and children. Not ready to fulfill their social role in front of society. Finding rational reasons to justify their behavior and their life under the slogan: “I live for myself. I'm fine as it is".
ADULT MAN'S PSYCHIC DISEASE ...
... Which he mistakenly calls freedom.
What is hidden behind the external detachment and freedom of modern bachelors who protect their so-called independence from the encroachment of family ties? What is the risk of such behavior for the health of society and the man himself?
IN modern society, in addition to feminists, homosexuals, greens and other fashion representatives, such a format of men as convinced bachelors was especially pronounced. Of the endless number of rationalizations about why they are in no hurry to tie the knot, three or four can be distinguished.
- If I like milk, then I don't have to keep a cow in the house. You can just go to the store.
- A woman and a child are additional costs and problems. “I get 100 rubles, and she gets 100 rubles. While we live separately, everyone has enough. How they began to live together is not enough. "
- Men are polygamous by nature, which is what we use. And since there are more women than men, we will not be left without female attention.
And if you look at all this without irony and deeper, this attitude towards marriage as something grievous and unnecessary has quite understandable roots. If to understand what is happening to apply the knowledge of the System-Vector Psychology of Yuri Burlan.
NOT TO YOURSELF NOT TO PEOPLE
The infantile behavior of single men has far-reaching negative consequences, primarily for themselves. Such men do not realize that short-term relationships without obligations are a dubious pleasure. Something happens - another flirtation, several meetings, a pleasant feeling of victory and a notch on the shaft. And this something, ending, leaves nothing either in the soul or in the memory. Next!
However, in their perception of the world, this is the only possible maximum. And without a profound change in thinking, such people would never think that a stable pair relationship will bring much more pleasure. Having lived a bachelor life, a man may never understand what he has denied himself.
Refusal to take responsibility for a woman and a child lies not only in the personal life of a particular man. Taking into account statistics, these are no longer just isolated cases, but undermining demography as a whole. We are a paired species, and therefore every convinced bachelor with his hateful freedom deprives at least one woman of life realization. Indeed, the number of single men is approximately equal to the number of unmarried women.
There are, however, real heroes among the bachelors. They do not abandon women with children. Carefully protected. They do not even give a woman hope, immediately informing that they do not promise anything. Such people never reach the registry office. And why are they better than defaulters of alimony?
Relationships between people in society begin with paired relationships. And a happy society is built on happy couples.
IT'S JUST ... BUT NOT VERY
Society strongly condemns the irresponsible behavior of men. A woman in such a society does not feel ready to bear children. This is where the abortion problem grows. But the deep reasons for this state of affairs were unknown until now.
Getting together, getting married, raising children is so common for people that there are no questions about how it works. It is natural for a normal woman to want to give birth and raise a child, for a normal man - to desire a woman, protecting and providing for her and her children. Without these natural desires, humanity would have died out.
And yet there are people who are simply incapable of experiencing such desires. Unable to hold accountable for anyone, and most often even for themselves. Why it happens? Let's try to understand this phenomenon using the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan.
ASKED BUT NOT SUPPLIED
The child is born ideal in order to become a full member of society. He is already given by nature all the properties that need only to be developed.
Until a certain age, the child survives solely thanks to the parents. This period of life is called development in system-vector psychology. During this period, the most important transformations in the psyche take place, which turn the child into an adult. Gradually, the ability to take responsibility for one's own survival appears and grows.
This is possible only if psychosexual development occurs without delay. Then a moment comes in a person's life when he begins to feel an inner readiness to provide his own life. He has a desire to earn his own living, food and everything necessary for a full social life.
And this is certainly expressed in actions. Such attempts to survive on their own begin to occur already during the period of life, called puberty.
DEVELOPMENT OF GIRLS AND BOYS
In girls, development into a woman leads to the emergence of an irresistible inner desire to give birth and raise a child with an indispensable inner feeling of the priority of the child's life over their own. This is what is called the maternal instinct.
But the birth of a child is just a biological consequence of a man's sexual attraction and a woman's sexual behavior. But the sense of responsibility is more difficult - it may not develop. And then we hear in the news that she gave birth and left on the doorstep with neighbors or refused to go to the maternity hospital, or even threw it away.
However, the process of developing a woman's sense of responsibility is not as bad as with a man's. A woman always gives birth to her child, and it is on a woman that nature is entrusted with the duty of continuing the species. Therefore, the woman's program is more stable.
If women lose maternal instinct - then people will die out for sure. And the goal of the species is to survive at all costs. And the calculation of nature only for a woman. She will still give birth and make heroic efforts to raise the child. After all, if not her, then who is for her? This is what we see quite often.
With men it is different. Nature does not really count on them. Having done a "deed", a man can disappear from a woman's life forever. And the reasons may be different - he died in the war as a hero or escaped as a coward. As they say - nature abhors a vacuum.
Why ask a huge margin of safety for a man's psyche when he does not give birth and does not raise children? He takes an indirect part in raising the offspring - through the desire for a woman, which moves him in the matter of providing for her and the offspring. And in his place may well come another man who is not at all a father, but only wants a woman - the mother of children. After all, everyone knows cases when a stepfather cares about a woman and a child better than an absent blood father.
Therefore, it is more difficult to raise a responsible father-breadwinner and protector from a boy. And it is easier to disrupt its development.
CONDITIONS FOR THE DEVELOPMENT OF PSYCHE. NECESSARY AND SUFFICIENT
The child cannot himself create the necessary conditions for the development of his own psyche. This task is exclusively for the parents. As far as they manage to provide the child with peace of mind and confidence in the future, the conditions have been created for the development of the baby. In Yuri Burlan's system-vector psychology, the child's feeling of psychological comfort is called the feeling of security and safety.
Only with this feeling, the child develops well and subsequently lives happy life... And on the contrary, if the child does not feel himself sufficiently protected and safe, then the development of the psyche is inhibited. And then, having already become an adult, a person experiences difficulties in implementation, both social and in paired relationships. Up to doom for all the troubles of life. And one of them will be a complete inability to fully take place in his personal life.
Male infantility originates in childhood itself. And, judging by the scale of the consequences, one might get the impression that growing out of a boy normal man very difficult. This is actually easier than it sounds.
Parents do not need to make super-efforts at all. It is enough to observe the elementary "hygiene" of communication with the child, strictly observing several rules. Do not shout at him, do not use any physical punishment, do not swear in front of him. In this case, the child will have the opportunity not to stop in mental development.
This will give him at least some opportunity to take place. Why just an opportunity, not a guarantee?
Because there is a hidden connection between the child and the mother. The child feels that the mother is not feeling well, even if she does not cry. And if she is under stress, then it inevitably slows down in development.
IT'S SIMPLE - THE BOY DIDN'T GROW INTO A MAN
Make no mistake about the bachelor lifestyle. This phenomenon is not a tribute to fashion or a new way of thinking for advanced users of life. This is the same situation when the boy did not grow into a man mentally. And without knowledge of the human psyche, we see the external appearance, the tip of the iceberg. It seems that a physically healthy, adult, quite adapted man simply decides to live for himself.
System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan puts an end to any controversy. There are no more personal opinions. Life as a couple is the only normal social form of relationship between a man and a woman. The screams of convinced bachelors become a pitiful squeak and remain on the sidelines marked NOT NORMAL.
It is finally possible to draw a line and separate the norm from the socially unhealthy manifestation. System-vector psychology obviously explains how the process of development of a child's psyche into an adult takes place.
Just do not panic and rush to accuse your parents. They are not guilty of anything. Life is not to blame for anything. Every adult man is quite capable of consciously realizing himself to the fullest. Keyword - consciously.
Do not have any illusions - awareness will not fall on your head one day. And if this happens, then perhaps it will be late enough to change something. You have a great opportunity now to realize what and how it works, and to become an adult. Make decisions in your life not under the influence of subconscious attitudes, but solely on your own choice.
It is enough to single out a few free nights of your free life and undergo training in system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan.
APPEALING NOT ONLY TO IDLE MEN
Living consciously and understanding what is happening in your life and why is a necessity not only for single men.
If you are a boy's mom, you will learn how to raise a child as a happy person. And you will have the opportunity to someday become a caring grandmother for his children.
If you are a girl, a woman, you will be able to identify such a convinced bachelor before he disappears after your pregnancy message.
If you yourself have already “done a lot”, you will have a chance to live a life for which you will not be ashamed in your old age.
You will learn all the details at the online training on systemic vector psychology by Yuri Burlan. You can sign up for a free online training right now
