The moment when children leave the native home (study at the university in another city or country, marriage), for parents may be very difficult. There is nothing unusual in feeling sadness in this period, to raise and irritate about and without. Psychologists even gave their name - "empty nest syndrome."
In psychology, this syndrome is described as "a sense of depression, sadness / bitterness, which parents or guardians experience, when children grow up and leave from their native home." In addition to all, parents of "boomerang children" - adult children in return from 25 to 34 years old, who tried to live independently and returned to the parental house due to financial difficulties - often experiencing similar symptoms.
At the same time, as a rule, parents are experiencing double feelings. On the one hand, they are glad that children move forward, acquire a new experience, on the other, - they are pursued by the feeling of loneliness, devastation and abandonment.
Culture and other factors
Scientists from Canadian Simon Fraser University conducted a study, overviewing more than 300 parents, and as a result, cultural norms and customs play a big role in the emergence of the "empty nest syndrome". Thus, the inhabitants of India and people from this country have a much greater tendency to experience syndrome (50 and 64% for fathers and mothers), compared with people from China, Southern Europe and the United Kingdom. According to the study on the occurrence of syndrome, social factors have
- Identification itself only as a parent (especially in women);
- The feeling of eliminating children's control (especially in men);
- If there is only one child in the family;
- Lack of public support;
- The feeling that children leave the house too sooner or later, compared with the cultural norms of the Company;
- If the parents are still in a fairly young age, when the child leaves, or the young parents of a child-boomeranga;
- Experiences for the safety of the child outside the walls of the parent home.
Symptoms of "Syndrome"
Play when your child leaves the house, this is normal. You can also feel nostalgia when you go to the child's room or go through places that resemble you about him. You may not be easy to watch your favorite shows, movies that you are used to looking together, you can lose interest in some things, stop cooking, because "now not for anyone." If you brought up a child yourself, these feelings can be even more exacerbated.
The symptoms of the "empty nest syndrome" are as follows:
1. Condition of sadness.
2. Hysterics.
3. Insomnia or restless dreams.
4. Feeling as if you lost a goal in life.
5. Difficulties with concentration.
6. The inability to climb from bed in the morning.
7. Irritation.
8. Depression.
I noticate these symptoms, especially depressed, feel free to not be afraid to seek help to a psychologist or another specialist who can pull you out of this circle of negative emotions.
On personal experience
However, in the syndrome of the empty nest there are things about which research will not say. They can formulate only a person, who has experienced the child's departure. Writer, Essuraist Shelly Emling, who spent the eldest son to study in college, shared his sad discoveries.
1. Changing roles is very confused. The first three months of my son's studies were for me the most long. Of course, I was very pleased that he was set in "free swimming", but I felt bitterness because my role in his life was meager. I had to wrap myself very much and not writing to him forms every five minutes, allow the child to take the first step in our communication. I am the Soviet, if I say that it is easy. We spent some time together when he was a high school student, but there is a big difference between daily personal meetings and several SMS per week.
2. Brothers and sisters are also hardly worried. If you have a child - a student, this entirely changes the family dynamics. It affects not only me, but also on her husband and other our children who are sharply feeling an empty chair at the dinner table. To compensate for it, I am inspiring them to regularly communicate with the elder brother and go with us on the "weekend with my parents" to see it in the new conditions.
3. The last school year is incredibly important for family communication. On the eve of the departure of the Son, we had a farewell dinner, where we were only five. I understand that such dinners in our family were rare, and we had to spend them much more often. It does not take much time and money, just spend time more often, and this will create a foundation for the future of your children.
4. You will not become such a parent, as you dream. I have long come up with what mother I will. But when I had three children, this magical image, who lived in my imagination for years, disappeared somewhere. For example, I watched Kosos on my parents who allowed children to watch TV, and then seated their own in front of the screen to finish working interviews by phone. Shortly before the departure of my son, I thought I was the wise "perfect mother", but nothing in parents happens according to the plan, and his departure to the college is no exception.
What to do
Although many parents perceive the "loss" of the child and the empty house as something negative, this can also be found their advantages. For example, to spend more quality time with your second half, travel, try new classes and hobbies. Of course, for many parents, motherhood or paternity is an important part of their self-identification, so internally release the child is very difficult.
Try to focus on some interesting activities that you would have brought pleasure. Communicate with your children regularly, visit them, call, especially for video calls. And already aware of the fact that the "empty nest syndrome" is not a fiction, will help you take the situation and cope with it.
One house, or how to cope with the "empty nest" syndrome, only calm! We do not mourn anyone, and we will only slander with happiness, because our children became adults, acquired their families, and they are fine. Well, think that you can no longer with us, but we still didn't even become less relative to them. Now let's try to make combustible tears shed due to the fact that the favorite chick flew away from the parent nest, the lively stream, which washes the sadness and brings relief. What is the "empty nest" syndrome? Of course, the birth of a child is the happiest moment in the life of a woman, it is in this moment that she begins to play their main role - the role of mother. Diaper, dispensers, the first smile and such a long-awaited word "mother", then textbooks and notebooks, school, institute. In confluence of events - success and failures, joys and experiences - many mothers forget about themselves, and remember only that you need to focus and protect your chicks. And here the chicks grew, they were interpreted and mad mothers wings. Everything. The nest empty. No usual duties. The house is quiet and somehow empty. There was a lot of free time. And where the question arose from the question: and where, in fact, to give this free time? Due to the feeling of lost and emptiness, some ladies begin to actively interfere with their adult children. And here it lies a serious danger. The mother-in-law - not comrade, mother-in-law - not a friend "Vasya, Vaschka! Did you eat? Sharchik do not forget to wear, and then you catch a cold! " - The phrase is by no means from the joke. For excessive custody of mother-in-law over their "small" sons complains a huge number of young daughter-in-law. The mother-in-law can sober a son every hour, each agen comes, constantly criticize his wife and, as it were, by the way, sadly sighing, saying: "Well, what a mountain-hostess got you! That's when I lived at home, and there was no problem. " Psychologists believe that mothers of sons suffer from the "empty nest" syndrome, since in this case the related bonds are also strengthened by the "man - woman". As a result, the mother may have the spirit of rivalry, and then the daughter-in-law from the princess for the prince turns into an unloved frog. A similar option to develop events, when the child leaves the father's house, is definitely possible for her daughter's mother. If the mother considers a young man as a kidnapper of his girl, then it is not easy to overcome the feeling of hostility. In this situation, parents need to mention a few decades back and remember, with what joy they themselves built a new "cell of society". And even recall how they were outraged by the intervention of senior family comrades. And it is also necessary to understand that the sense of ownership towards children is completely nothing. Children love to communicate with grandmothers - because they need a lot of attention, and grandmothers are ready to give grandchildren much more time than working parents. Let's dance, and maybe we will give the second half of life - a wonderful age. Life experience, made maternal duties and a lot of free time. It's time to go to a new life with this beautiful luggage, in which you can do what the soul always lay, but did not come out. For example, to open your business, actively engage in public operation or just sign up for any courses. Why not master the passionate tango or do not do choral singing? Imagine the admiring eyes of children when, on a family holiday, their beautiful and energetic mom will surprise all those who gathered their talents. You can do needlework, photography, smearing, take up the brush. Many women with artistic deposits, but not in the recent past of the past, so that these deposit challenges can fully devote themselves to realize their hidden opportunities. To draw, by the way, you can not only on canvas, but also on silk. Remember, gaining a hobby in the soul, you will become happier, calmer and more interesting for your children. And even if they live in a nearby entrance, but at the other end of the world, your children will contact you much more often by phone or the Internet, if you share with them joyful impressions, and not grumble and complain about life. "After all, they will grab more children of a real inventious for a woman, from whose nest of her favorite chick, can be grandchild. If your caress and concern, the new grandmother will send for harmonious development and raising crumbs, then everyone will be happy. Teach grandchildren to speak, read, count, tell them about the world order. Try to study along with kids foreign languages. Examine all sorts of techniques in which the baby should develop, and boldly offer your participation in the upbringing of the offspring. Only not intrusive-aggressively, from the position: "I know better," and calmly and delicately. Well, if there are no descendants yet or they live far away, but you really want to take care of a small little man, there is another option: in the houses of Baby or orphanages are always happy to volunteers who are ready to help the kids. When children grew up, the spouses are time to look at each other again, fall in love and start a new life. Joint sports activities, general hobbies will only strengthen relationships. We want this or not, but our children grow up. They are close in the world created by us. And we are planning to stay with them in eternal peaceful relationship, we must understand them on time and let go. Studies show that pets can render moral support much better people are excellent antidepressants and improve our well-being. Completely reasonable reasons to start a fluffy friend! Briefly loneliness: problem or condition of the soul? If a person after the children leave the father's house, suffers from loneliness, but does nothing to become interesting, right and useful people, it means that in fact the situation is not much oppressed. If he, indeed, extends from the feeling of his own abnormality and loneliness, will fight for his happiness: it will begin to build social contacts with people, will learn how to pay more attention to himself, will find a lesson in the shower. And a huge request for you dear readers, do not add to the "empty nest" syndrome "Victim" syndrome expecting all compassion, it will not bring it to good ... Paws, wings and tails Another way to distract from oppressive loneliness and cope with a falcon mood Simple both twice two, but it is very effective. Our smaller friends are real dedicated assistants who will fill emptiness and homework and spiritual. Get the cat or dog, teach the parrot. Any pet that appeared in your home will not let you get bored! We take hands, friends! Immersing in family life, we tend to stop closely communicating even with best friends. There is no time once again arrange a suit, go shopping, go to the movies. And then we call up more and less often because underwent. And now communication is completely coming to no, contacts are lost. Where are our girlfriends now? And, in fact, it prevents from finding his classmates-classmates and learn how they are doing. It is quite possible that such a girlfriend-laughter will emerge from the same life, which will put your shoulder and scratch loneliness. Communicate, do not closure into yourself - this is the most important thing! Communication with people, firstly, makes it possible to talk your problems, and you will become easier from this. And secondly, you can talk together how to overcome melancholy and start enjoying life again. It is possible that even among random acquaintances, real friends will be departed. Try to find a "support group" via the Internet. If you are not very oriented in the World Wide Web, ask your children to arrange a libez for you - let them show how to find the right sites, register you in popular social networks and help your beloved mom gain a new circle of communication. The second breath of love is an essential role in overcoming the "empty nest" syndrome, relationships between spouses. Frequently women forget about husbands, fully devoting themselves to children. About that that all this is poured, the volume is written ... if the relationship between the spouses is warm and respectful, then the feeling of loneliness due to the move of children is even greater. The absence of children will help parents to look at each other in a new way and, perhaps, even re-survive a stormy romance as once before. The second honeymoon will begin, and no one hurts a mature couple to feel happy newlyweds. However, sometimes life develops so that for various reasons a woman has no spouse, and by the time when children leave the father's house, it remains in complete loneliness. In such a situation, she will have to be even harder. But again, you can look at it on the other side: now you are not burdened with anything, so try to arrange your personal life! The first and most significant step - start paying your appearance more attention than before, learn how to listen to your body. Sign up in the gym, do yoga. You will change for the better not only externally, but also internally, and then the meeting with an interesting man will not make yourself wait long. Forward to the future in one of the books of Boris Akunin, the main character approached the age plan with a mark of 50 years, decided to make a plan for the next five years. You can use this move and you: Think about how you would like to live and look after 5, 10,15 years old. And do not be afraid to dream and exercise healthy ego! Make a covering goal and boldly begin to implement them. Remember, we program themselves program, and be happy or unhappy - the question is only our choice! And another advice: get a diary and write down all your thoughts every day. After some time, the longing that you pour on the page will weaken, and who knows, maybe the literary talent will be wounded in you. Russian women are mostly very altruistic. They often forget that you need to love not only others, but also yourself too. That is why many mothers need so much in the external love of the already growing children, in confirmation of their own demand, so they are enough for "flying chicks". Calm down, praise yourself for the fact that they raised and raised their children, let them go to the "Flying" and live for their own pleasure. You have done a great job and deserved a good reward!
We usually devote most of the adult life to raise children, you have to take care of them, rejoice in their successes and help to cope with difficulties. And when suddenly matured siblings leave the parental house, our existence is silent. In psychology, this condition is called the syndrome of the empty nest.
"There is an internal emptiness - emotional, energy and sense, - explains this state of the psychologist Yana Leukin. - Parents no longer feel important necessary. And the middle-aged crisis is often superimposed on these experiences. "
According to experts, the departure of children from the house is especially painfully experiencing those women for whom the child was always the only joy and light in the window. Typically, such mothers are installed with children excessively close relations filled with hyperopic and control. Naturally, in this case, in this case, the attempts of Chad break out from under the obsessive parent wing, cause strong resistance. "If a woman is realized exclusively through children, the separation with the child causes her only suffering," says psychologist Olga Krasnova.
In addition, it is during this period that the collapse of the spouse often suffers often. "If the husband and wife unites only the concern for the child, it is possible that they will break up after his care," says Yana Leukin. The expert notes that often among such couples even the manner of contacting each other corresponding to: For example, the husband always calls the husband "Mom", and she is his "father."
Olga Krasnova adds that with the departure of children from the house, the relationship is often crumbling in those families where the process of their education passed unequal - when one of the parents completely took this feature. "In this case, the spouses are simply not able to divide the feelings that arise from them about the empty nest," the expert notes.
Family and adult children: how to understand that child care is experiencing too painful?
Experts note that with a bad situation, the syndrome of the empty nest is accompanied by depression, with loss of sensation of its own significance and meaning of life. "At this moment, some older people go to themselves, become depressed, quiet," Jan Leukin notes.
Suffering parents often strive by all truths and inconsistencies to attract the attention of the child. For example, they begin to actively interfere with the life of Chad, trying to control it, or hang on him their problems. It was during this period that mothers appear psychosomatic disorders that turn into an excellent reason for manipulation: "You don't call me, and I'm lying with pressure!". "Instead of being support, the mother becomes the source of endless problems," adds a psychologist. This is exactly what evil mother-in-laws, terrorizing son-in-law, or notorious mothers who seek their excessive care appear in the jokes. "Such behavior of the parent can also cause an exaggerated reaction in a child," notes Olga Krasnova. "For example, he begins to make her mother very often, ask her advice for each little things."
Family and adult children: How to effectively overcome the syndrome of the empty nest?
- Recognize Changes. Olga Krasnova recommends saying the following for itself: "I admit that you are already an adult, but I still remain your mom. The fact that you no longer live with me does not make you someone else's person. "
- Find new classes. "Discover bright hobbies, take care of creativity, - advises Jan Leukin. "This will fill the emerging energy emptiness and make you interesting for your children."
- Take yourself. Start attending the pool, watch your food, walk more in the fresh air ... "If our body is not in order, we feel depleted, and therefore we need an energy donor. Sometimes his own child can act as this donor, "explains Jan Leukin.
- Expand the circle of communication.The more familiar, the easier it will be to survive this difficult period.
- Arrange relationships with spouse. Come up with new joint classes, for example, make yourself a dog, buy a cottage or start walking in a fitness club. "During this period, the spouses often experience the second honeymoon, they know each other better," notes Olga Krasnova.
- Open your sexual potential.Yana Leukin is confident that this period is how it is impossible to suit better for improving sex life. "There are no children at home, so you can start watching erotic movies, try something new in bed," the psychologist notes.
- Build long-term plans.Plan where you will go to rest, who will celebrate the New Year. Do not live only what is happening in the child.
- Review the style of communication with the child.Do not impose him your society and do not try to control. Optimally, if your relationship is light, friendly. "Better Follow the principle" I am ready to help you, but if you ask me about it. " And with such a competent building relationship, children willing themselves will visit you, "I am sure Olga Krasnova.
- Become a mother again.Experts are confident that another child to give birth to a win-win version of overcoming the syndrome of the empty nest. So if you have such a desire and physical capabilities - dare.
According to experts, if a person is saturated, rich in interesting events of life, and he does not focus on children, then with their departure from his home he can have a fundamentally new, bright, productive period. If everything is fine, then the syndrome of the empty nest is perceived by spouses just as a certain stage. Such couples experience only bright sadness, they are easy to survive what the child's life is now flowing without their constant participation. Husband and wife begin to actively use the released time for all that was not enough for him.
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The parent house is not in vain call the family nest - because people live in a family as in the nest. At some point, the children leave the nest, since these are the living conditions. Parents face the lack of family, friends and love, when children fly away to vote their own nests. Many people, especially those who dedicate themselves to the family, feel devastation and sadness, which can easily lead to depression. This article will talk about how to give children to understand that they will always be waiting for their home, and how to help parents survive parting.
Steps
- If you do not know when children leave, do not panic. Please accept the fact that it will happen in any case, rejoice for them, offer your help and support. Children it is better to see that you love them and always ready to come to the rescue, and not to notice constant anxiety and irritation in you.
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Drop all frightening thoughts. And you and your children should take it as an adventure. Your children may experience a whole range of emotions, from fear to delight from waiting for new events. If the child is afraid to leave, it is important to convince him that the unknown is always worse what will actually happen. Explain to him that as soon as he becomes accustomed to a new way of life, he will be able to receive pleasure from him.
- Tell the children that they will always be waiting for them, whenever they wanted to return. It will give you, and your children a sense of security and unity.
- If children do not tolerate the first ability from home, you should not get enough to rejoice in it. They will learn to cope with their emotions as they will get used to the new way of life, and in this they need your active support, and not a secret desire to return the children home. Therefore, one should not constantly offer them to return or do all things for them - they must learn everything on their own, including household issues and all negotiations. They will make mistakes, but it is on errors that it is best.
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Think about how you are going to keep in touch with children. You will feel emptiness and loneliness when children go away because you can't already talk to them what you usually speak. Therefore, it is important to maintain communication at a distance - this will keep the feeling of proximity to the family and regularly exchange news. You should do the following:
Find out what is an empty nest syndrome to recognize the symptoms. The symptom of the empty nest is a psychological problem that addresses primarily women and manifests itself in a sense of deep sadness due to the fact that children leave the parental home. Most often it happens when children leave to another city or a country to learn (usually at the end of winter or in the fall) or when they get married or married and begin to live with his wife or spouse. This syndrome often coincides with other essential events in the life of a woman (with menopausosis, disease, retirement). This problem concerns primarily women, since motherhood is considered the main role of working mothers and those mothers who are engaged only by the house. Women consider this role with their main task for approximately 20 years. The child can feel abandoned, lost, unworthy love. He may also disturb the insecurity in the future. Mothers perfectly feel sadness and cry from time to time to cry, because it is a healthy reaction with which any parent may encounter. In the end, the child is waiting for big changes. However, these feelings are becoming a problem when they begin to interfere with the woman to live familiar life, forcing her to give up communication with friends and throw things that have come to pleasure before. Women often think that their lives no longer makes sense, which is why they are constantly crying.
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Take assistance. If you are hard to cope with a deep feeling of sadness, if you can not make yourself get back to the usual life after the departure of children, it is important to contact someone for help. You may develop depression or other psychological disorder that prevent you from enjoying life. Sign up for a reception to a psychotherapist. Cognitive therapy and other similar types of therapy that will allow you to speak, can help you. Perhaps you just need to be listened to and told that what is happening is real, it is important and will pass with time.
- Admit your sadness. It does not matter that other people think or talk about your condition. Unrecognized sadness will put pressure on you until you gain courage to see her face. Allow yourself to sink.
- Treat yourself. For a while you will be very hard, and in these moments it is important not to forget about yourself. Sign up for a massage course, go to the movies, buy your favorite chocolate. If in your life will not be happy moments, you can never get out of sorrow.
- Try to spend a special ritual. Imagine that this ritual you let go of a son or daughter in adulthood, and it will help you to accept the fact that you will no longer play such an important role in the child's life. You can plant a tree, send a small lantern on a river with a burning candle or hold a ceremony associated with your faith.
- Talk to your spouse or spouse about your feelings. Most likely, he or she feels the same as you, so do not miss the opportunity to discuss it. And perhaps he or she just wants to listen to you, and it will provide you with essential help.
- Think about keeping a diary to record all your feelings. Prayers and meditation may also be useful.
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Remember your needs. When you can send children to adulthood, you will notice how your life will become calmer and dimension. It is important how you will perceive these changes: if you react to it, as the abyss, which turned around you under your feet, you will feel much more unhappy than if you decide that it's time for you to return to your previous hobbies and classes .
- Do not arrange the shrine from the child's room. If he did not bring order before leaving, do it yourself. Throw away the garbage, get rid of the bumps, but be careful - you can accidentally throw out what is important for your child.
- Write down all the things you once wanted to do. The time of completion of desires has come. Secure the list in the prominent place and start working on it.
- Create new acquaintances or restore the old ones. Friends will help you move from the status of the forever busy parent to the status of the parent, who remained in his house without children. Try to walk somewhere and get acquainted with people. With the most likely somewhere there are the same parents with the syndrome of the empty nest, which, like you, are looking for new friends. Friends can always advise you exciting classes and books, show you an interesting vacancy, etc.
- Do something new. You can return to the old hobbies that you abrasted when children raised. Any occupation is suitable, from painting and photos to parachute sports and travel.
- Enter the University or sign up for courses. Choose a course that will answer your interests at this stage of life. You can go on a very new way for you, and you can increase your existing qualifications. Both options are good.
- Get your career. If for some time you did not work, go back to the former work or find a completely new one. Do not think that you are too old for something - you have experience, and in this your advantage, therefore, provided that you refresh your knowledge and go back training courses, you can give odds to any young graduate.
- Try working as a volunteer. If you are not ready to return to work, you can start with volunteering. This will help you understand what you like and what I do not like to do.
- Take part in charity. You will get great moral satisfaction if you can find such useful use to your free time.
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Think about the role of a spouse or spouse in your life. Unless you are a single parent, you will stay one on one with your husband or wife, and this may be difficult, as some couples in such situations understand that all this time, the children united the whole family and kept you together. And perhaps, you were first of all first of all by parents, which was learned to be romantic partners. It comes time to frankly talk about everything and decide how your relationship will develop further.
- If only children united you, you will need to work on relationships to solve those problems that you have avoided for many years. Contact your family psychologist if you feel that it will help you get closer to your husband or wife.
- Please accept the fact that it is a difficult time. It will give you the opportunity to forgive each other small mistakes in living together without children you have to start again.
- Remember that your partner has changed over the years. You both became older, you experienced a lot over the years. It is possible that you have come across difficulties that you did not even think when only met and fell in love with each other. Over time, people begin to more clearly understand what they like, and what they do not like, what they believe, but what is not. Now you can understand your partner's preferences much better than in youth. Perceive it as an opportunity to re-discover my husband or wife. This will allow you to breathe life into your relationship.
- Cut more time with your party and try to learn it again. Go on journey together and use a trip to revive the feeling of proximity and mutual trust.
- Give relationship time. This period may be fascinating for both of both.
- However, sometimes no actions will help to glue the relationship between people who have become each other. If you feel that nothing will help you to restore the connection, discuss it with each other or contact a psychotherapist for help. This will allow you to make a decision that will help you both with joy to look into the future.
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Concentrate on the positive aspects that the children are traveling. Thanks to this it will be easier for you to experience the feeling of loss - after all, you will know what you purchased. And although it does not detract from the importance of your sadness and those changes that are waiting for your children, it will help you see the advantages of your new life. The following points include positive aspects:
- Buy products will have to be much less likely. And this means that you will no longer need to go to the store so often and cook.
- Your relationship with your husband or wife can improve. Now you have the opportunity to spend more time together - use it.
- If you were washed and smoothly children's underwear, now you will do it much less often. It is not necessary to do it again all instead of children when they return to your home on vacation or just bother. You need to give them to understand that they are now adults, and adults can serve themselves.
- Now you do not have to argue about who the first will take the bathroom in the morning.
- You will start saving money by reducing water consumption, electricity and the number of telephone conversations. And saved money can be postponed on travel!
- You can be proud that you have grown children who are capable not only to survive, but also to succeed in adult world themselves. Praise yourself.
Prepare for parting. If you know that your children will run in a year, use this time to teach them everything that they need in everyday life. Check if they are able to wash clothes, cook food, keep disputes with neighbors, follow the finances, make profitable purchases and they know the price of money. Although much comes with experience, it is important to discuss with children all these nuances so that they are not helpless. Sites like Wikihow will help them master the main home affairs and purchase the desired skills for independent life.
