“If you care about your salvation, prove it not with words, but with deeds ...” St. John Chrysostom
Today, women will be my interlocutors again. I would like to finish the conversation I started on the topic of female loneliness. I will no longer dissuade anyone from getting married and scare them with "horror stories" from family life. I will try to give practical advice on the topic "Woman and Children". Let me tell you right away: they are not for everyone. I look forward to criticism and disagreement. But, perhaps, someone will hear me, try to look at their life through the prism of reflections on the proposed topic.
1. A woman's life should be connected with children
This is my first statement, or rather, a thesis dictated by life. What children? Your family? Not at all, just with children in general. Moreover, if a woman has not married, has not become a mother, and has no children. From a young age, every girl needs to think about this well: “What if I don’t have my own children?” But, as a rule, an ordinary young woman does not think about this, just as none of us thinks about in which cemetery he will be buried. It is not customary to talk about the place of our burial, we want to live happily ever after on this earth ... It has been noticed that the hardest of all are those sorrows for which we are not preparing, from which we try to distance ourselves in every possible way. Childlessness is especially hard experienced as an unexpected test, which the girl never thought about. For some reason, all women are sure that they will marry, be happy in marriage, and, of course, will experience the joy of motherhood. But such dreams do not always come true for everyone. There is no guarantee.The difference between a modern woman and women of past times, in my opinion, is most clearly manifested in the attitude towards children. Children today have ceased to be a desirable goal, their birth is not perceived as a joy, and the labor of upbringing turns into an inevitable obligation. A woman's life is filled with work, career growth, material wealth. At work, among colleagues, many are more interesting than at home, with a child in her arms or in a dressing gown at the stove. There is an obvious displacement from the consciousness of a modern woman of the most important values and concepts about which the Gospel speaks. An indicator of this problem is the type of activity, professions that women choose. Working in a bank or tourism, personal business or research, traveling abroad and even participating in politics is the desire and dream of many modern young women and girls. Such activities are unlikely to bring them inner satisfaction and make them happy. But the desire to live beautifully and richly, to be "stylish and modern", to have influential friends and many admirers - not everyone will refuse such dreams and temptations ...
It's sad that working with children is becoming unfashionable, and every year there are fewer and fewer people willing to devote themselves to children. Often, picking up children from school, I see the faces of the teachers. Most of them are women, and they are no longer young. And their faces are usually bright and kind, and their speech is smooth and calm. Young teachers are different. They are strict, literate, self-possessed and often very good ... But they still do not have that warmth and worldly wisdom that come with years of work at school and are so necessary for children and their parents ... A woman teacher will certainly find and reveal herself in her work, or rather, in the ministry. It is sad to believe in the everyday observation that people who have devoted their lives to raising children have their own children far from ideal. School time often works in teachers' families against their own children. All the strength and love go to other children - and only crumbs of attention and minutes of interest remain for their own. Therefore, in our prayers after spiritual fathers and parents, we will always remember the first teacher and those educators and educators who helped our life and Christian development. The work of a school teacher is very important and necessary, it reveals the best feminine qualities and virtues. Such a woman becomes softer over the years, more kindness appears in her soul, and then - and humility. The reason is contact with children and closeness to them. A woman needs it, she was created for this. Children are an area where a woman should be, including a single, unmarried woman. Of course, not only school is a great place for a woman to work. It's great when a girl wants to be a pediatrician or a nurse in a maternity hospital, a kindergarten teacher, a child psychologist or a speech therapist. In a word, a woman and children, even in professional activities, are inseparable concepts.
2. It is good for a single woman to be around another family.
For example, siblings. Aunt's influence on nephews can be the best and kindest. This is known to many. Extra female hands are indispensable in a large family, especially with small children. Helping your own sister with the housework is different from babysitting or the strict presence of a mother-in-law. But a calm, benevolent climate in the house, silence, the absence of conflicts and loud disputes, often over trifles, because of nonsense, is so important. Sisters will always find a common topic of conversation, adapt to each other in the same kitchen. This option is suitable for an unmarried girl from a large family. Usually one of them remains in virgins for the rest of their lives and lives as a loved one in a family with nephews. In my mother's family her uncle could not marry. According to my wife's stories, Uncle Vasya was a full-fledged educator of his two nephews and two nieces for 20 years. Life in the family of his brother helped him, a man, to maintain his purity and to invest his masculine strength and pedagogical abilities in his beloved children. If it helped a man, then it probably will help an unmarried woman as well? Just to live in the family of a brother or sister, you need to have enough patience, humility and hard work. Your presence should be welcome to all household members.3. Adoption of a child
We are talking about custody or adoption by an unmarried woman of another child. Are you immediately outraged and disagree with me? How is it that a complete family should raise and educate a child, where there is a man - a breadwinner and a father! Yes, this is the best situation, no dispute. But today we are talking about something else. That a normal woman without children is bad. Realizing and feeling this, childless unmarried women behave differently. I will consider two options for female behavior.3.1. "Give birth to yourself"
Such words immediately give me goosebumps. And you? Hearing about this is unpleasant, and even more so - to see it in life. Unfortunately, I have observed this phenomenon many times. “Technically,” it is as easy as shelling pears to do it. As the saying goes, there are more than enough people who want to, especially since some future "would-be mothers" do not even claim to be helped by a man. Conception of a child often occurs from married people, a man is selected according to the criteria of a breeding bull or a thoroughbred stallion. His "legitimate" children are taken into account. If they are beautiful and healthy, and their father is not averse to "having fun on the side," then conceiving a child is a matter of time and place. I have heard about such actions from our believing women. At that time, their conscience was completely drowned out, concreted, the concept of sin was completely absent. In the first place was a terrible egoism, which dictated an insane animal desire - "I WANT A CHILD !!!" No convictions work at that moment, an appeal to conscience and intimidation by the judgment of God is useless. All are darkened by passion and madness. Reminding about the Christian title and purity of life is like throwing peas against the wall. You are convinced that sin completely takes possession of a person, blinds him and disorients him.In this sense, the difference between the experience of prodigal sin between a man and a woman is interesting. Fornication for a man is almost a "common" thing, especially on business trips, on vacation, and always "drunk". After a sin, there is often an awareness of guilt, repentance for it, disgust towards oneself, the syndrome of "a beaten dog and a dirty pig." At confession, two are usually surprised at once: a) a man - at the very question, when the priest asks him about fornication, because almost everyone is guilty of it, including him; b) the priest, when he learns that an adult, healthy man has preserved his purity, without sinning fornication.
Repentance is completely different for single women who wanted to become pregnant through sin. They can be divided into two types. The first are "failing harlots." They failed to get pregnant, the goal was not achieved. In confession, they not only name sin, but also take offense at their lives, and especially at the "barren man." The second type is the lucky ones. Such people not only repent of fornication to the priest, but they also tell him first about their joy of future unfortunate motherhood. Once a woman "for herself" became pregnant with twins at once, and I was the first to know about it. Now let's consider another option, where there is no sin, but God's blessing.
3.2. Take someone else's kid
Which very soon will become his own - the most dear and beloved. But you need to want this, you need to believe in it and start praying about it. Such prayer reaches God. The main thing is to know and do His will. In our church there are unmarried girls who are tired of waiting and decided to act, with the blessing of the spiritual father and personal desire. Together we decided that first we need to enroll in special courses for adoptive parents. Begin to study, listen to the advice of doctors and psychologists, communicate more with the parents of adopted children themselves, and, of course, strengthen your prayer to God. Think and reflect, and most importantly - take your time. “The will of God is revealed in patience,” our gracious elders loved to repeat. It is necessary to make a special daily rule about the understanding and knowledge of the will of God in this important matter. Studying in the courses does not oblige you to anything. You can finish your studies and not take the child - and this will be a normal, honest act. And you can decide, but only with faith, with the desire to warm the child's soul with your warmth, to become a mother for the baby. For God, the most important thing is the mood of the human heart and our participation in the fate of another person, and especially a child. Pure and immaculate piety before God and the Father is that to look after (patronize, take care of - author's note) orphans ... in their sorrows (James 1:27). The practice of adoption is very ancient, including when children were taken by unmarried women. For example, the Monk Abba Dorotheos writes about this in his teachings. True, little girls were taken not only by pious virgins for Christian upbringing, but also harlot women to teach their satanic craft (for more details, see Abba Dorotheus in the teaching “About not judging your neighbor”). To be honest, the experience of adopting children by single women is very modest, but it still exists. In such cases, the consent of all household members is required, and this is correct. A child taken into a family will oblige not only his new mother to take care of himself, but usually her parents as well. And for the elderly, raising and raising a baby is not easy work. In a word, I end my reflections with an open ending, inviting everyone who is interested in this topic to make a decision independently and, most importantly, responsibly. There is probably no unequivocal answer to the question of whether or not to take a child, and it is unlikely that someone will take the responsibility to say the last word for another. According to your faith, let it be to you (Matt. 9, 29) ...Our conversation is coming to an end. My thoughts today were about women who did not know the joy of motherhood. Life is not easy for them, they do not lose hope to arrange their personal life, because any woman is destined to be a wife and mother. A woman's heart was created for love - pure and sacrificial. Best of all, in my opinion, such love manifests itself in relation to children. Next to children, any woman reveals her best qualities, feels her relevance, finds application of her abilities and knowledge. And there are a lot of children who need love and help. They are next to us and are waiting for us. One should not be discouraged if personal life did not work out and dreams of female happiness did not come true. You cannot give up, but you need to trust in God and act. Learning to love not in word and language, but in deed and truth (1 John 3:18). And if a woman learns to love through children, won't she attain salvation?
When the author of these lines was experiencing miscarriages, it was not yet customary to talk about it. Now she invites people like her - childless to dialogue. How to live with it? And can you put up with it? She almost did it herself. But sometimes 50-year-old Jill Gleason still thinks about how her unborn children could have grown up.
“I don't say much about my failed pregnancies. No one but my family and my best friends knows about this. There were three of them. Three lost children. But that was a long time ago, in past lives, and I no longer think about it. I am 50 years old. I will not have children. My life took a different path. I accept and even welcome this.
After three miscarriages, you need to get on with your life. But sometimes thoughts “what if” still burst into consciousness after random phrases or situations. I remember a conversation a few years ago with a man I fell in love with and who broke my heart. We sat on the couch, hugging and talking. Like me, he was divorced, like me, he had no children. He didn't want them. And he jokingly said: "It's a pity that we don't have children, they could have legs as long as yours."
I burst into tears and began to scream that he had no sense of tact. I think this flash surprised both of us. Then it occurred to me that perhaps I had not quite come to terms with my childlessness, as I had thought before. Or I was so upset that my man didn't care that we would never have children. For me, this has always seemed to be the ultimate act of love and devotion.
I experienced my first miscarriage at 22, being madly in love with my fiancé. The pregnancy was accidental and I was very nervous.
The child died at 12 weeks. I had to surgically remove a small lump of tissue that could become human in six months. Despite the fact that he was lifeless, my body clung to him and did not want to let go.
My husband-to-be was just as overwhelmed by this as I was. For many years he kept the first conclusion from the clinic that I was pregnant. Sean and his current wife now have nine children.
The other two miscarriages occurred at the same time. The man I got pregnant with was not a good person, and I told myself that it might even be for the best. This is what you say to yourself after you have lost your child, and this is what you hear from friends and family (if they tell you anything at all). Although at that time I just wanted to be condolently.
I will never forget how I had an ultrasound scan during my second pregnancy: cold jelly on my slightly rounded belly. Two hearts that the doctor found. Gemini, he said.
After that, I will never get pregnant. This is fine. I am not one of those who thinks that all women must become mothers. Some of us are simply not made to give birth.
Childless women create offspring for themselves in other ways. For me, these are words. The book I am writing will soon be my child. I am raising my parents, friends, a dog. My life was interesting and eventful, I was lucky in many ways. I have traveled all over the world from the Ecuadorian Islands to Israel. I loved and was loved, and although now I am alone, I believe that love will return to me.
But sometimes, when I am surrounded by children, I feel a small prick in my heart. I look at their parents, how they laugh or cry, hold hands and hug, and I think: "It could be me!"
I think about the children I never had, especially the first one. We wanted to call him Sullivan or Sally, whether it was a boy or a girl. Ideal name: unique, but not silly. A good way to honor Sean and me of our Irish heritage.
Sally could now have turned 28. He could be a writer like me or an artist like his father. Or it would be a strong, independent young woman, bold and tough, traveling the world. Doctor or farmer. My child who never was.
Strange thing: my body knows what pregnancy is, never having a baby. I know the morning sickness, I can still smell the humid summer air of Chicago, the scents that I breathed in during Sullivan's pregnancy. I then covered my nose as I walked past the dumpsters, desperate to cope with the onset of nausea.
I know how sensitive your breasts become and how quickly your mood changes. How hungry all the time. I know what it is like to stroke your belly, wondering that a person is growing inside. Seeing blood stains on panties when they shouldn't be there. And to hear the doctor say, "Sorry, I can't hear a heartbeat."
My only brother died three years ago without ever becoming a father. I never asked my parents if they miss their grandchildren. My mom and dad are also travelers, they are like big children. And they never pressed me that I should try to get pregnant again.
My cousin has a daughter, Olivia, a beautiful 17 year old girl. They are very close to my father and she often visits him. Sometimes when I look at them, something cracks inside me, like ice in a glass. He would love his grandchildren. And so is my mom.
Now the parents are already many years old: dad is 84, mom is 79, and recently she was diagnosed with dementia. When they leave, I will be alone. I will no longer have a family, I am the last. Who will take care of me in my old age?
For the first time in my life it occurs to me that I can fall in love with a man with children. Of course, the children of any of my potential partners are now adults, and that's okay. But I like to think that even at my age I still have a chance to start a family. "
In modern Russia, motherhood / parenting is not only an individual choice of a woman / couple, but also a constant object of social coercion both from the inner circle and from the state. In modern Russia, demographic processes are observed similar to those of Western European society: an increase in the age of marriage and the birth of the first child, a decrease in the number of children, partnership without official registration of marriage, etc. There is a significant expansion of the strict framework of Soviet morality. All these transformations, it would seem, lead to b O greater freedom of individuals to organize and plan their own matrimonial and reproductive life and make decisions about it. However, zones of lack of freedom, the practice of interfering with the private life of another person still remain the norm. The issue of childbearing is not a space of exclusively private personal decisions, while it is not only and not so much a sphere of state interests and interference, but rather a sphere of everyday routine regulation and control. Through constant social control, through approval and condemnation, the reproduction of a morally approved norm is carried out. In accordance with this norm, the age of marriage, the age and marital experience required for the birth of a child, etc. are prescribed. Not obvious, not always noticeable, but deeply learned rules become apparent when they are violated. It is childlessness that makes the norm of compulsory motherhood obvious in Russian society.
Discussion of the issue of having children, plans for children is not only not considered an interference with private life, but is widespread and legitimate in Russian culture - these questions can be asked by relatives and colleagues, acquaintances and fellow travelers, employers and friends:
“Indeed, all around you hear the questions: WHEN? Sometimes it feels like everyone has agreed. "
When childlessness, which violates the codes of "normal" parenting (time, age, marital experience, etc.), becomes obvious, it is problematized by others, it turns into an area of special interest and concern, moreover, it requires a public explanation and justification, including recognition of infertility:
“What is the point of hiding, if all the time questions are raining about why you don’t have children, because age, etc. It would be somehow strange to say that we want to wait, "live for ourselves" ... We have been living for ourselves for 9 years already, enough already (although 6 years out of 9 we are struggling with infertility). Yes, and at work I had to say how they would let me go all the time - now to the doctor, then the tests, then some other case "
“I don’t want to talk about infertility, probably because of the prevailing stereotype - marriage - pregnancy - childbirth. And after the wedding / beginning of cohabitation (underline the necessary) all relatives, acquaintances (and not really) are waiting for when ... And if I WANT to say, but I CAN'T! Questions will begin, advice (not always the kindest), pity, etc. Better to be silent than to speak "
"Infertility" in everyday life becomes a marker of "social defectiveness", a pathology not medical, but social. This “defectiveness”, “pathology” also has “social” reasons - “wrong” behavior: “peeing”, premarital promiscuous sexual life, abortions, and so on. And the consequences of this “wrong” behavior are the inability to cope with the social roles of the mother and wife:
“When I got to the hospital for an operation (as a result of which I was forced to look for my s / mom), several friends did not hide their gloating over this, and one of them told me that when you see, your husband will leave you, because you cannot give a birth to a baby".
In public opinion, the absence of children is an indicator of a lack of morality. It is no coincidence that women who resort to ART, often when talking about themselves, emphasize their “normality”: not only a “correct” healthy lifestyle (not drank, did not smoke "), but also their social consistency as a whole. They describe themselves as competent, professional, often and economically successful, in stable marital relationships. However, sterility is enough for a woman to be accused of her lack of standing and lack of morality, for which she bears personal responsibility. Moreover, such accusations can be brought against the closest people.
“Even my husband once told me that“ I probably took a good walk when I was young ... ”, My friend, when I answered her, why is it easier to communicate on certain topics with people experiencing the same problems - which they do not consider indiscriminately that those who have problems are to blame for the problems with childbirth - she answered, but that is the TRUTH. "
The inability to fulfill the role of the mother, and together with her the role of the wife, jeopardizes the future of the family and, without offering alternatives, requires the exclusion of the woman:
"Mother-in-law - demanded a divorce after my operation, arguing that there will be no children, such a wife is fucking"
“And for my mothers-in-law, and probably for all the relatives of my faithful, I am“ crippled, unable to give birth, ”my father forced him to divorce in the first year of his life, although he didn’t know my problems, just because I don’t get pregnant, and to this day I remain flawed for him, my husband's brother and wife laugh in the circle of their friends, and also hinted at a divorce. "
“On Saturday it will be 7 years since I have been married, and 6.5 years since I have not communicated with my husband’s relatives. After my operation it was said: Divorce, why do you need a barren wife?
Childlessness and sterility raise the question of social and subjective “suitability”. Motherhood is considered a criterion and indicator of the "correct" femininity, the implementation of the correct female role. The attitude towards infertility shows that often the value of a woman for the immediate environment can be reduced to a healthy body, bearing a child, and then to the role of a housewife and nanny raising a child. The value of the individual and his dignity, success, suffering are not taken into account. The impossibility of motherhood demonstrates the failure of a woman as a whole
"... it's terrible when you feel guilty and constantly catch yourself thinking that you are not capable of anything, even such a natural thing for a woman as procreation becomes a problem for you"
The inability to motherhood, controlled by the closest and not so much the environment, is produced as a social defect that calls into question the general social competence and the subject competence of a woman:
“I have asked myself this question many times, why am I ashamed of my infertility, why am I making every effort so that no one ever finds out about it among my friends and relatives. Probably, this is a reaction to the attitude of society towards this. In addition, the society accepts successful people who achieve success in everything, I have not shown anyone sore spots for a long time ”.
Women, not receiving support from the environment, accept the guilt imposed on them, plunge into difficult experiences, and lose self-confidence. Infertility in the Russian cultural space makes a woman feel incapable, wrong, but also makes her feel personally responsible for childlessness:
“It’s a shame that I’m sterile. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I didn’t have abortions, from the age of 17 I went to the gynecologist every year - I was checked, dressed warmly in cold weather with the thought of not chilling the organs of the reproductive system, and at the same time it turned out to be sterile. I know that the thought is wrong, but I have it - I feel guilty before my husband, I seemed to let him down, I can’t give birth to a child ”
At the same time, compliance with the rules (I do not drink, I do not smoke, I go to the doctor) does not guarantee anything. This means that potentially any childless woman can be accused of wrong lifestyle, insufficient efforts, lack of preventive health control, etc. She can be blamed by colleagues, doctors, boss, mother-in-law, her own parents, husband, girlfriends. Motherhood is a woman's responsibility and, accordingly, childlessness / infertility is a woman's fault. Even when the reasons for childlessness are related to the health of the partner, the woman remains responsible for the infertility:
“In our family, all<вину>I took it upon myself for infertility. Really
the path to Eco began due to male infertility ”.
So, the cultural codes of modern Russian society set the frame for compulsory motherhood / parenthood. Public control over reproductive decisions and plans not only exerts “demographic” pressure, but also forces women to explain and justify childlessness, and in turn hide or admit infertility. Infertility is constructed as a social, not a medical pathology, which calls into question not only the woman's ability to perform gender roles, but also the “correctness” of her “femininity”. The imputed responsibility for childbirth and the socialization of medical diagnosis constitutes the woman as the only one to blame and responsible for infertility. However, if a woman makes (often successful) efforts using ART, she and her child can become the subject of “demonization” and / or “exoticization”.
2. Demonization and exoticization of ART and "test tube babies"
Childbearing in Russian culture is a socially responsible action, and infertility / childlessness not only leads to social disqualification of a woman, but also calls into question her subjective status. At the same time, the very method of overcoming childlessness is the subject of close attention of others and moral everyday “bioethical” control. If a woman performs a seemingly “correct” action - she turns to ART in order to become a mother - her efforts, her actions are also problematized, since now in our society ART is viewed with suspicion, reproductive technologies are overgrown with myths and prejudices. Limited information, scandalous materials in the media lead to the "demonization" of ART procedures, to the perception of them as unnatural actions with unpredictable consequences.
“I once discussed with my friend the problems with childbirth, I already knew that I would go to eco, and although I didn’t say anything about myself and eco, I somehow brought the conversation to this topic. And what did I hear? "Well, this is actually the last thing, in a test tube there is something to chemistry, it is not known what then you will give birth." A lady, at the same time with two higher educations and a decent, generally, intellectual level, manages human resources at a large enterprise ... Since then I have closed this topic for others. "
In the everyday life of women, the questions arise - to talk or not to talk about IVF, to whom to talk and when. Personal experiences are aggravated by the constant expectation of a negative reaction from relatives and friends, obsessive curiosity or pity. ART in everyday life appears as special and specific procedures. The lack of correct information and the escalation of the situation in the media makes IVF identical to "quasi-cloning", contrary to the "natural course of things," and therefore a dangerous procedure that violates the established social and natural order. People who use ART take on an "exotic look" - they are often compared to aliens or Hollywood movie stars who have access to new technologies. This is "something from the realm of fantasy":
“Once again about my acquaintances, they periodically strive to say nasty things about my childlessness. And if they know about IVF, moreover, many will say - You will see it completely rotten, since even from a test tube nothing comes out for a lot of money. "
“Despite the fact that one of my friends is aware of everything, he here in all seriousness asked:“ Are you not trying to have children in the usual way? ”. Apparently, she takes us for aliens "
To an even greater extent, "demonization" as a "violation of the natural course of things with unpredictable consequences" concerns surrogacy programs in which women are forced to hide the reproductive method, imitate pregnancy, etc. Surrogate and donor programs not only call into question the "biological" conception procedure, but also give rise to problems with determining kinship, motherhood and paternity. Parenting ceases to be identical with consanguineous relations, existing social ties and responsibilities lose their "natural" properties and require redefinition. In public opinion, "surrogacy" is an even less desirable, legitimate procedure, in comparison with which even conception "in a test tube" is considered more natural. As a result, women have to constantly think about what to say to whom, so as not to harm themselves and their unborn child:
"Everything would be fine, but alas, it turned out that IVF is not salvation for me, the doctors' verdict after the operation is like a butt on the head" - you have a sigmoid colon sewn to your uterus, you cannot get pregnant, otherwise the intestines will rupture and you will die ... choose or your life or motherhood. " I said about eco only from the second successful attempt with a surrogate mother - let it be better to think that my lyalka is from a test tube than that it is not mine at all ... "
In addition to the social environment, medical institutions and discourses also support the special status of a-normality of conceptions and pregnancies as a result of ART. Pregnancy is not considered normal, it is perceived as problematic, requiring increased control and attention. As a result, a woman at every stage feels flawed, even if the pregnancy and childbirth are normal:
"After all, even in clinics that conduct pregnancy, when they hear about IVF, it begins -" You have a very difficult case, you need to be watched very carefully, since you have such a difficult pregnancy! " - and you ask, what is the difficulty, if all the tests like (ugh 3 times) are normal and there are no complaints? "well, how did you have IVF" "
“The greatest pressure due to IVF was in the hospital - they persistently persuaded me to have a cesarean section. The main argument: "Why risk such a golden pregnancy?" /… / On this day, for everyone in the operating room, I was not so much a patient with a "sharply deteriorated CTG" as a "Woman with five IVF attempts". "
The problematization of ART as a non-normal phenomenon extends to children born as a result of the use of VR technologies during conception. Any subsequent health or developmental problems in the child can be attributed to the "unnatural" conception of the child:
“The mother-in-law is a doctor, and from her I sometimes hear calls on the topic“ everything that was not given naturally cannot be good ”, so you shouldn't say something to her under any circumstances: God forbid any problems with the child's health , she will then destroy all brains "but what did you want, did business with test tubes" "
“Yes, I was recently told by a friend about a distant relative who had to undergo IVF and successfully, the child is already 5 years old. Comments were like "can you imagine, he is quite normal, even clever, he communicates well with children, etc." That is, like a talking monkey! It's too early to tell anyone else about this! "
Women often live in constant fear of possible negative social consequences for their children. Society considers not only women themselves to be non-normal (unable to conceive and / or bear a child), but the child is also deprived of the status of normality a priori. With the help of conjectures, gossip, rumors, “exotisation” occurs, which can disrupt the safety of the child. This child is a "curiosity", "alien", etc.:
“And if the treatment is successful, then your child will continue to arouse curiosity all the time - is he like everyone else? a curiosity, after all. "
“This is already a familiar part of our life for us, because we are boiling in all this, and in society such children are considered almost aliens. I don’t want any "kind" aunt to tell my child in the future that he is not like everyone else, and he was tormented by this "
As with "ART pregnancy", the medical record of children may indicate "IVF-conception", which produces their special status, requiring special medical supervision and control. Women strive not only to publicly normalize their children, but also to minimize unforeseen consequences by hiding the method of conception in a public presentation and documents (for example, in a medical card). Doctors agree that indicating IVF can become a “stigma” for a child, and sometimes they are ready to meet a woman halfway so as not to indicate a method of conception, but they do not seek to redefine the very status of non-normality of a woman and a child. :
“A separate topic is how I tried to make sure that the IVF record did not end up in the children's card. I caught a pediatrician, a nurse, and an "adult" doctor. In the corridor she openly said that the child is IVF (and why hide it - after all, this is all in my card and all this will go to the exchange card), that now there is a negative attitude towards IVF in society, and that I do not want my child to live with with this stigma. They all nodded in understanding. NOBODY was indignant at the word "stigma", no one said that "IVF is just a way of conception and nothing else." Everyone went to meet me: someone did not write, someone blurred over what had already been written. For which I am very grateful to them. "
In everyday life, there is a "demonization" and / or "exoticization" of the ART procedure and children born as a result of the use of these technologies. The Institute of Medicine participates in this process, since in medical practice a special status is assigned to pregnancies after IVF and IVF children. All this undoubtedly increases the pressure on women, generates fears for themselves and their children, and forces them to resort to various strategies to conceal their practices. The constantly topical issue (“to say or to hide”), secrets and simulations of pregnancy in the case of surrogacy, increase the psychological and social burden on the already difficult way to overcome childlessness. The process of normalizing their path, their pregnancy and their children requires additional efforts from women, self-control and regulation. It should be noted that women often achieve their goals by building complex strategies for coping with both childlessness and the demonization of ATP and children. However, they don't have many helpers along the way. On the contrary, they constantly face not only the resistance of the social environment, negative public opinion, but also a huge number of problems in access to information and medical institutions.
End of work -
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Discrimination of women in the field of reproductive rights in modern Russia: assisted reproductive technologies
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I remember the first time I heard from the TV screen that a childless woman is flawed.
Talk show. There are two women speaking: a university teacher, professor, doctor of science, convincingly childless, and a young woman of about twenty. The young woman has a heart defect, achondroplasia (dwarfism) and more diseases. Doctors forbid giving birth. She enthusiastically broadcasts how she will give birth anyway. She is applauded. Then they give the floor to the professor. For some time she says - she speaks eloquently, convincingly, with specific lecturer intonations - that children are not necessary. There is a favorite job, there are students. Leading, without listening to the end:
But a woman without children is flawed!
There was a pause, everyone, hushed and not understanding, went home.
That is, no. Pause, everyone applauds.
http://maiorova.livejournal.com/164707.html
And here
http://tyotasofa.livejournal.com/137703.html reasons why childless women are flawed:
"I DO NOT JUDGE CHILDFREY"
I decided to write on this topic. Although I, it seems, have nothing to argue about - I am a happy owner of a son and daughter, which means that I am in a privileged position relative to childless women. Society does not condemn me, but, on the contrary, in every possible way approves. It may well condemn me for something else, but for the children - you can't find fault with me. And nevertheless, I will speak out, standing on a stool in my privileged class of "mothers". Every woman has the right to choose. To give birth or not to give birth is a personal matter. I do not blame child-free, if they made such a decision - great, this is their choice, I respect him. But not everyone understands that the word “choice” also implies responsibility for this choice. What am I talking about?
Well, for example, after graduation, you choose not to work in an office, but to hitchhike and live on what you will gain from selling photos and running a travel blog. Great choice! But if in a few years you get tired of this kind of life and you want a stable salary, do not be offended if you will be hired only for the lowest positions with a small salary. Your career will have to start from scratch and several years later than your peers. And there is no one to blame.
Another example. I have a body-positive outlook and choose not to diet or exercise because it’s hard for me. Great, this is my choice. But for this choice, I must be ready to pay with a deterioration in well-being, a small choice or lack of sexual partners, increased fatigue from the slightest stress.
This is my choice and I must accept its consequences.
Actually, this is just about that. On the choice and consequences of choosing childlessness. In yesterday's postmayorovait was about a woman scientist, a professor(damn, I can't find a feminitive for "professor", so be it), who has a favorite job, many students and, in general, a very busy life. And they tried to brand this woman “flawed” only because she has no children. Why should she have children? She actually completed the maternal program - she has students, she has someone to talk to and what to do in life. It took place. Here is the watershed. Not all women who decide not to have children admit the possibility that they may not take place. Each one says, "I'd rather be an accomplished woman than a screaming baby's attendant." And what do they mean by the word "take place"? If a woman by retirement age has a good income, her own home, perhaps a loving husband and a small dog - is it successful or not? Alas. Your own material well-being and good health does not mean "an accomplished woman".
In my youth, I spent a lot of time in hospitals. And several times childless women turned out to be with me. Strongly elderly women, I must say.
Simply put - old women. Lonely, not poor, even by the meager standards of the 90s. Well-dressed, adorned, they looked after themselves very carefully, lining up Babylon from jars and tubes on hospital bedside tables. So, they were unbearable! They needed to communicate! Daily and in large quantities. And since the rest of the older women were married and with children, and it was more interesting for them to communicate with each other, the old women clung to me - an unmarried student. They clung to it with a stranglehold and stories began. They were all different women and told different stories. One boasted of her success in her youth and victories over men, the other talked about her sufferings and illnesses, endless, like Job's ulcers. The third shared her impressions of her trips abroad - she was the wife of a diplomat and traveled a lot. They not only forced themselves to listen, they also demanded attention and help for themselves, and it seemed to them that I, a young girl, should look after them by default. Give water, go to the kiosk for a newspaper, sew on a button, call a nurse, and so on and so forth. One, after being discharged from the hospital, called me at home (asked for a phone number) and asked me to go back and forth for her, to carry out some errands. I would have gone if not for my smart mother, who found out who was calling and what she needed and forbade me to do anything at all. "Then you will not get rid of!" - said my mother and I think she was right. At the same time, my mother gave me a text that was unpleasant for childless women, where it was about inferiority, and about the fact that “all my life I lived for myself, beloved” and other patriarchal things. I think my mother was just offended - she raised two children and she almost never had time to "live for herself."
So, I really don't like childless women of this format. I met them later, many times. One of these is my grandmother's own sister, and how much we suffered with her when she became very old, this is a separate song. They were imposing, they pestered and demanded attention, communication, some were arrogant and domineering, others were pathetic and whining, but these women always made exactly the negative impression with which they frighten young and childless - crazy lonely old women.
I saw other childless women in old age, I must say, there were much fewer of them than the first. Smart, successful, interesting, with whom I wanted to communicate voluntarily, and not out of politeness. One of them was my teacher at the institute - the smartest elderly lady, we ran after her with tails and looked into her mouth. It was considered an honor for her to do some work. And already if she praised - that's all, here I wanted to jump with delight. I think this woman had no shortage of interlocutors and in the hospital there was always someone to come to her and she did not suffer from loneliness.
The second was friends with my aunt for many years. Lydia Mikhailovna was a "gorgeous" woman. So the surrounding men spoke. She was always very expensive and tastefully dressed, knew a lot, saw a lot, was an excellent storyteller and a very friendly person. She arranged someone's business, took out scarce goods, vouchers to a sanatorium, sat with other people's children and dogs. She had been friends with her aunt for many years, she considered her family almost hers, her daughter, my sister, she adored her like her own, and fiddled with her a lot. Therefore, it is not surprising that when Lydia Mikhailovna grew old and fell completely ill, my sister went to her every week, helped, brought food and cleaned up, and the children of other friends also helped her. Take turns. Her apartment, by the way, went to some kind of distant relatives, so the help was completely disinterested.
So the point, it seems to me, is not whether you gave birth or not. And in fact - have you raised at least someone? Have you invested in at least one person? No, it is a mistake to invest efforts in the “husband” project, because men live less on average, the project may end ahead of schedule. It doesn't matter whether they are your children or your students - you get a part of yourself, your personality from the older generation, and you must give a part of yourself to the younger generation. No wonder there is a saying "Youth loves to learn, and old age - to teach." I once read that older people have a physical need to teach, give advice and, in general, get involved in the lives of young people. Their need for transferring experience is as strong as in their youth - the need to have sex. Therefore, I stopped being annoyed with my mother's teachings. It's just a need, you have to accept and listen. I myself will be like that in old age.
It turns out that women who have not given birth, have not raised their children or students in old age are left with an unmet need to convey experience. There is no one to transfer it to.
Not the same beloved terrier. In combination with deteriorating health, reduced social circle, they find themselves in isolation. And from this they begin to greatly harass others. Someone in the housing office scandals, someone swears with neighbors, someone sticks to any benevolent person from among their acquaintances and begins to "load" him, hanging on the phone for hours or luring him to visit. And it’s a pity for such an old woman and it’s inconvenient to offend with a refusal, but how boring she is! How long can you listen to the same thing?
This is what I am trying to say. About the choice. Having made a choice in favor of childlessness, be prepared for the consequences of this choice, that is, for a lonely old age. Make friends, students, or some interesting hobby in advance. In order not to annoy others with your whining in old age, not to beg for pitiful crumbs of attention and communication.
Of course, you can argue that a child is not at all a guarantee of a happy old age. That you can give birth to a child, raise him and then lose (pah-pah-pah!) That children can go to another country. Become criminals and go to jail. Or just stop communicating with your mother. They can, of course. But you will at least have memories and they will be a reason to live on. When giving birth to a child, a woman always takes risks. But if you do not feel the strength to accept your lonely old age, if you are not going to learn several generations of students or become a world celebrity, it is better to give birth or adopt, or raise someone else. Or help someone grow. Invest your strength in someone who will give you the best in old age. Old age is not such a short period in life, it can drag on for twenty or thirty years, especially since men, according to statistics, live less than women, which means that it is not a fact that your husband will outlive you. And children are very convenient. They will be the only ones who are really interested in your health, your dog and what you ate for lunch today. Everyone else does not give a damn about it and must accept it.
You can, of course, still object. That it is only our society that is so sick, that we do not respect old age, that an old person is forced to fall into social isolation, and so on, and giving birth to everyone without exception is not a way out of the situation. OK. I am trying to say only that an active and truly fulfilled woman in life has no problems in old age in communication and help. But is every childfree sure that she will become just like that? This is what I suggest women think about before deciding not to become a mother. If you are confident in yourself and you have enough strength - for God's sake, I respect choice and honesty. But I hate lonely old women whining, sorry. These are really flawed. I will cite a quote from Yuri German's book "I am responsible for everything" (this is about Soviet doctors, who have not read it, I recommend it, an excellent book and the whole trilogy is great):
"I will not open America to you, Volodechka, if I write that a woman who has not yet given birth is not a woman. No, this is not about physiology, although it means a lot, I am writing now about something else. You can not give birth, but you need to raise a child. to educate, but you need to give yourself to the child. It is not so important whether it is yours or completely alien. It is determined only by what you put into it and in what quantity - I mean, of course, not glucose and proteins, but the power of feeling. feelings to some nature lovers, about whom I wrote to you, may seem majestic, but this is just an instinct, and not the spirit and strength of motherhood.
Dear Volodya! I saw different people, including women, who did not want to be tied up. My God, what a wretched, pitiful widow in their old age. How they cared for and cherished themselves, how they treated themselves, how they treated their useless health, how earnestly, almost completing religious sacraments, they fed themselves now sweet, now sour, now salty. How they dressed their withering bodies, how they focused on nonsense and trifles unworthy of a person, how they pronounced the words: "cozy", "tasty", "warm", "sweet". I said to these: "Damn you, parasites, scoundrels, we do not have enough sisters, nurses, go, how can you, how not ashamed of you?"
No, they were not ashamed.
They were not ashamed when one of them died and there was no one to see her like that.
She caused no grief to anyone with her death - she only caused trouble in organizing her funeral, a kind of widow.
That's all the memory of her!
Passing by, indifferent, outsiders! "
UPD. Perhaps, it is necessary to add about men and their childlessness-childlessness. All of the above fully applies to childless lonely old people. The only difference is that they are even more disgusting and intrusive than childless old women. One thing pleases - they live less and there are not so many of them.
UPD-2. Hell, I still have to add, otherwise I was already accused of condemning childless women and of automatically approving childless men. Why did I write about childless women? Because a woman CAN give birth to a child. A man CANNOT. And the choice of childlessness-childlessness is primarily intended for women, not for men. And so, I repeat, all of the above applies to men completely. Have you chosen childlessness? Well done. Live happily. Do not impose only yourself on anyone. Neither society nor others.
