Why do Turks love Russian women. Russian wives of Turks between two fires: families under threat

About traditions

On Easter we ate Easter cake with candles, and on Eid al-Adha we ate meat, went to visit relatives and friends. Since my husband is a Muslim, his holidays are my holidays, and he also applies to our traditions. He understands that my customs are important to me, he took me to Antakya, where there is the Church of St. Peter. In Pyatigorsk, Caucasian cuisine, there are many dishes similar to Turkish ones. We cook nohut, beans like Turks. But most of all, the husband loves borscht, Russian salad, potatoes, pancakes with meat.

About politics

Two days ago I received a new visa and flew to Moscow, and he was deported without explanation for five years

Unique and charming, a country located at the crossroads of continents and cultures, religions and ethnic groups. A country in which the Middle Ages and modernity coexist, ancient traditions and modern rhythm. This is Turkey, a state located in Europe and Asia. Ancient Istanbul (Constantinople), modern Ankara, wonderful beaches of the Turkish Mediterranean and resorts - Marmaris, Antalya, Alanya and the legendary Troy. And also - more than a hundred beautiful cities, each of which is charming in its own way and attractive in its own way.

Turkey is a fairly developed country. The Western way of life here is in many ways superior to the Eastern mentality of the locals. The latter call themselves Turks relatively recently, and earlier they were proudly called Ottomans. Militant and prudent, the Ottomans were able to annex to their empire a lot of lands conquered from their neighbors, primarily from Byzantium, the decline of which occurred at the time of the heyday of the Ottoman Empire.

Is it possible to live in Turkey, you ask. And we will confidently answer: you can live in Turkey, and you can live well. There is everything for a quality life here: inexpensive high-quality food and clothing, a mild warm climate, very, very intelligent people and a favorable geographical position between Asia and Europe.
However, not all residents of this colorful country live very well. The Turks have enough problems. In particular, a huge percentage of the population lives below the official living wage. The brilliance and poverty here are pronounced enough not to be noticed. The rich in Turkey are very rich and the poor are very poor. Look at any shopping district, and you will see poor fellows carrying huge carts with bales in a stream of cars for mere pennies. These are porters delivering goods to customers. They cost resourceful merchants much less than the cheapest delivery.

According to various sources, from 30 to 40% of the Turkish population cannot read and write. Paradox? No, rather, a national feature.

However, there is also a Turkish middle class. These are small business owners, engineers, doctors and lawyers. These are officials of a rank above the average and bank employees, managers of large hotels and administrative staff of industrial enterprises. The vast majority of these are educated, cultured people who are well versed in art and politics, often and for long periods of time abroad.

Marrying a Turkish citizen is not a problem or nonsense for a Russian woman. In principle, such marriages are by no means an exception, but a long-established rule. Every year, the Ministry of Internal Affairs of Turkey issues hundreds of residence permits for foreign wives of Turkish subjects, most of whom are our compatriots. Many of these families are truly happy and live very, very well in Turkey. And some break up within the first year, or even after a couple of months. Why? There are actually several reasons, we will try to describe the most typical of them.

Attitude towards Russians

"Natasha" is a universal appeal to a Russian, Ukrainian, Moldavian, Belarusian woman, adopted in Turkish trading circles. Men are most often referred to as "colleagues". Why? Nobody knows. but Turkish men they really don’t like it when their Russian wives continue to be called natashas. Although the Russians who live permanently in Turkey differ sharply from tourists and shuttle traders, and, accordingly, they have a different attitude towards them and other, more civilized, forms of treatment. In principle, there is nothing too offensive in Natasha and colleagues. But not for the Turks themselves. They put a special meaning into these words, emphasizing their own significance and making friendliness superficial, clearly sham.

However, despite the traditional Turkish snobbery, Russians are treated normally here. Our people are well known and well understood by our mentality, habits and traditions. If in a certain society one of ours is not accepted, then this is not due to misunderstanding. And rejection happens, and often.

The Turks are a rather ancient people, with their own foundations and traditions, which have changed little over the years. The national cuisine, the manner of spending weekends and holidays, the rhythm of life and the intra-family way of life remain the same as they were at the beginning of the 20th century.

The widespread myth that Turkey is a place of concentration of professional residential, in fact, turns out to be only a myth. In fact, young Turks who are actively looking for girlfriends are most often mistaken for professionals. Like all Eastern peoples, the Turks are characterized by increased sexual activity, especially in their youth. Hence the stormy beach romances, and all sorts of legends about the extraordinary male power of Turkish womanizers.

However, residents of large cities have been living in a Western manner for quite a long time, adhering little to the old canons. If your husband is a native of Ankara or Istanbul, then most likely he is a completely modern person, and his parents will not look at you as a representative of another civilization.

This does not always apply to residents of small towns and villages. There are still strong traditions and prejudice towards foreigners in general and towards Russians in particular. The Russian wife of a local resident will be considered by those around her as almost a prostitute who has turned around an unfortunate, narrow-minded fellow villager. It will take a lot of effort and many years to break the stereotype. Moreover, the stereotype can be broken only in relation to oneself, other Russian wives will be perceived in exactly the same way.

And since many small towns are located in resort areas, their inhabitants have seen enough of our compatriots and their habits of stormy and not always moderate rest. Hence the suspicious attitude towards the "Natashes" who marry their relatives.

Often Turkish parents do not accept their sons' Russian wives, and such families are forced to live separately, away from their father's house. If in such a family the relationship is truly kind and sincere, the husband will relatively easily overcome the difficulties associated with the deterioration of relations with loved ones. If not, the case will most likely end in divorce.

Recreation and traditions

Turks go to visit with or without reason. Most often, they do not warn about the visit in advance, but simply run into the light. This trait Turkish character causes persistent rejection among the majority of foreigners, even among Russians, who, in principle, until recently acted in the same way.

In principle, a Turkish family can not only “fill up” on a visit just like that. They themselves are ready to receive guests at any time. It is not customary to set tables here; fruits, obligatory tea, soft drinks, and sweets are put on the table.

Residents of Turkey do not really like to spend their holidays abroad, perhaps because there are more than enough picturesque places in the country that offer holidays for every taste and budget. If the Turks go abroad, they most often go to work. Often, not only money is brought from long voyages, but also foreign wives.

The average urban family willingly visits restaurants. As a rule, they try to choose a well-known establishment not far from home, where they have been going for many years, they know the owners well and generally feel at home.

beach holiday- lot of single Turkish men. Family access to the beach, in principle, is a rare phenomenon. Why? Very simple. Turks go to the beach to get acquainted. However, having a Russian wife and enough tolerance, a Turkish husband will still go to the sea, although not very willingly.

money question

Salary in Turkey is such a flexible concept that it is almost impossible to derive its average framework. Most of the employees employed in trade earn a percentage of sales. The salary of production workers depends on qualifications, on the state of affairs in the company, and even on the geographical location of the enterprise. Usually workers are paid from 200 to 500 dollars (the upper bar is very rare).

The largest salaries of unskilled personnel are in trade and tourism. A seller in an average Turkish store receives 300-700 dollars a month, an animator in a good hotel - 300-500. Almost all stores practice a system of bonuses and rewards, when the seller receives a small percentage of each sale. Considering the volume, the salary with bonuses can reach a thousand or more. But getting such a job is not so easy, especially those who speak Russian are in demand.

A lot of Turkish citizens work abroad. These are Germany, the States, and, of course, the former USSR. Turkish companies build residential buildings and various facilities - stadiums, hospitals, hotels, production workshops. Salaries working abroad can reach 1000-1500 dollars per month. Of course, this is the best way to characterize the state of the finances of the average Turkish citizen. It is logical to assume that a person traveling to distant lands to work in construction for an average Moscow salary is not prosperous.

If your chosen one is not a very wealthy person, then you will most likely have to look for a job. As mentioned above, knowledge of the Russian language is considered a great advantage. It is worth paying attention to hotels or shops in areas where visitors from the CIS countries traditionally buy.

Costs

Turks, for the most part, are not very tight-fisted. It is customary to save here when money is really not enough. The average Turkish family tries to live as well as possible - to have a normal car, to make good repairs in an apartment or house.

Since Turkey is famous light industry, there are no problems with buying clothes here. If your spouse has many friends and good acquaintances of entrepreneurs, most likely you will be given discounts in their stores, and the discounts are significant. In Turkey, it is generally customary to make discounts in exchange for discounts - this form does not imply significant savings, but it makes it possible to get moral satisfaction from the process itself, and to both parties.

In addition, money is spent on food and trips to restaurants, on gifts to numerous relatives, and on jewelry. Turks prefer gold. Products from precious metal It is customary to give relatives and loved ones for birthdays, anniversaries. Especially often they give gold for a wedding. Even not very rich people try to buy a massive product as a gift in order to throw dust in the eyes of other guests.

As elsewhere in the East, Turkey respects gold of the 750th test and above (18+ carats). It is considered prestigious to give the bride a 900 gold ring (21 carats) with a large stone, or a massive chain with a large pendant.

585 gold standard is used only among visitors. Turks rarely buy such products.

Utilities, rent, expenses for food and clothing, payment for medicine, which in Turkey, although paid, is not very expensive - these are all the expenses of an average Turkish family.

Housing problem

In Turkey, it is customary to live in your own apartment. Wealthy people try to buy or build their own house. Living in a rented apartment is considered a temporary state, and the Turkish family literally goes out of their way to save money for a house or apartment.

Utilities in big cities are not very expensive, about the same as in an average Russian city.

There is no hot central water supply here as a class, a water-heating tank is installed in each apartment, and solar collectors are installed on the roof to heat water from the sun. On the one hand, such a system is very economical - with more than 250 sunny days a year, electricity is saved, and hot water heated during daylight hours is more than enough for a day. The disadvantage of such an autonomous system lies precisely in autonomy - the maintenance and repair of a solar boiler falls on its owner. In addition, at negative temperatures, and night frost in Turkey in winter is no, no, and it happens, the water in the collector can freeze and break the thin walls of copper pipes. In this case, quite expensive parts will need to be replaced.

Living in the same house with her husband's parents is a dubious pleasure. Even if the spouse's family is very intelligent, you should not have any illusions - the difference in mentalities and habits will do its job, conflicts are inevitable. Anything can serve as the cause of the conflict, from a dirty plate left behind to spices not added to the dish. Spoiled, according to the mother-in-law, lunch, which the "inept" daughter-in-law treated her husband and father. Also, an object left in a conspicuous place underwear can cause an uproar, and sometimes a serious scandal.

Often, trying to please the mother-in-law and please the family, the daughter-in-law incurs even more anger. Should the father-in-law praise the daughter-in-law's cooking, or God forbid, her appearance, she becomes, in addition to everything else, a source of jealousy. In general, life in an oriental family is unlikely to suit your taste.

Therefore, try to find out if your chosen one has the opportunity to settle separately from their parents, and if not, do not rush to make a decision to move.

Children

Turks love children. The offspring are pampered in every possible way, without refusing almost anything. However, upbringing in Turkish families is quite strict.

Religion in Turkey is separate from the state. Therefore, the school curriculum does not include the lessons of Islam. And yet the influence of religion is felt, and cannot but be felt in an Islamic country. Be prepared to have a male child circumcised at the age of twelve. The procedure is not pleasant, but it is performed by experienced specialists who have performed tens of thousands of such operations. However, modern families in big cities more and more prefer to have circumcisions in clinics.

If you have children from a previous marriage and would like to take them with you to Turkey, keep in mind that children's team accepts newcomers, and even more so foreigners, very, very suspiciously, often with hostility. It is necessary to pay attention to this problem, to communicate more often with teachers, with the parents of other children. It is better to establish friendly relations with several families whose children are in the same class as your child, go to visit them with your son or daughter and let them communicate with their peers in an informal, so to speak, setting.

The language barrier is a small problem. Usually children learn a language very quickly, much faster than their parents. It affects the usual children's curiosity and spontaneity. But at first, language can become a serious obstacle and a source of all sorts of misunderstandings. To avoid most of them, give your child maximum attention, and ask your spouse to engage in language with him.

Problems of misunderstanding and rejection by Turkish society can accumulate like a snowball. As a result, if you miss the problems of communication between a child and peers, you can get very big trouble.

In the event of a divorce, children traditionally stay with their mother. If only family ex-spouse does not have very much weight and influence, and the mother, accordingly, does not have a controversial reputation. However, the removal of a child after a divorce is a frankly difficult procedure that requires consent. ex-husband which is very difficult to obtain. The fact is that the Turks really love their children. And besides, to lose an heir, letting him go to a distant snowy country, is considered a great shame. Of course, they won’t talk about it in the eyes, but they will whisper behind their backs.

Citizenship

Turkey recognizes dual citizenship. The question is whether your country recognizes it. The Russians have no problems with this, but Ukraine has recently adopted new law, according to which Ukrainians who have become subjects of foreign powers must renounce Ukrainian citizenship.

Marriage with a Turkish citizen is an argument for obtaining Turkish citizenship from the point of view of the state. It is enough to live in an official marriage for three years, and you can apply for citizenship.

Children from previous marriages are also eligible for Turkish citizenship on an equal footing with a mother who marries a Turkish citizen.

Conclusions.

The main sign of a prosperous blended family is great love. Only if you truly love your chosen one, and if he shows reciprocal feelings, you can count on the success of a Turkish marriage. Marriages of convenience usually fail, and it makes little sense to simply go abroad on your husband using a Turkish citizen.

Turkish men are storytellers. Stories about a magnificent villa on the coast, a luxury car, a prestigious job, in fact, can turn into a wretched rented apartment in the shopping district of Istanbul, a broken "dacha" and a position as a salesman in a fashion store.

Try to find out which region of the country your chosen one is from. If it's a big industrial city, it's all right. If this is a village or a remote area - a reason to be wary and carefully look at the manners and style of the future spouse.

Discuss immediately the possibility of living separately. remember, that best relationship with the husband's parents are formed at a distance. It is better to visit each other than to live under the same roof and adapt to the mother-in-law.

If your children come to Turkey with you, pay maximum attention to their problems and urgent needs. The main thing for your children is relationships with peers. It will be - the rest will follow.

Before making a decision to move, think about whether you are ready to change your lifestyle, many habits, traditions. You will have to adapt to local customs, give up much that you consider natural, and accept much that is unusual and strange.

Turkey is a warring country. Firstly, Turkish units are involved in almost all conflicts in which NATO takes part. But the most important thing is not this. Most importantly, in Turkey there is a mandatory conscription for military service. Conscripts, especially those of non-Turkish origin, cannot advance even to the level of sergeant in the army. And there is nothing to say about the officer rank, since military schools that train officers are accepted from the age of 14-15. All this suggests that your son from a previous marriage will not only have to go through a rather harsh path of integration into Turkish society, but also serve a military service.

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In the last 10-15 years, Turkey has become the country where our compatriots go to relax at the first opportunity for relatively little money. This country thrives on tourism.

Turkey is a unique and developed country. The eastern mentality of the locals is greatly influenced by the western way of life.

Some of our compatriots are thinking about buying property in Turkey. Favorable geographical position, warm climate, reasonable prices create the prerequisites for a quality life.

Unfortunately, not all residents of Turkey live well. A significant number of the population lives below the officially established subsistence level. The difference between the rich and the poor is very large.
Representatives of the Turkish middle class, as a rule, are well educated, versed in politics and art. They travel to different countries sometimes they speak 2-3 languages.

Many women decide to marry a Turk. Every year, the Ministry of Internal Affairs of this country issues several hundred residence permits for foreign wives of Turkish citizens. And most of these women are our compatriots. Some of them are happy and do not complain about life. But many marriages break up after a year, or even earlier.

"Natasha" - this is how it is customary to refer to any of our compatriots. This appeal is somewhat contemptuous. Too many "natashas" came and come to Turkey to engage in a not entirely decent profession. In general, the attitude towards Russians is respectful, since it is Russian tourists who contribute to the prosperity of the country's economy to a large extent.

The myth that Turkey is a place of concentration of professional gigolos is, in fact, only a myth. The increased sexual activity of young Turkish guys, due to climate and heredity, pushes them to numerous novels. But the ladies are not dissatisfied either. Love stories between Turks and Russian girls are often discussed on forums and in women's companies:

Most residents of large cities lead an almost Western way of life, rarely adhering to the old canons. If your chosen one lives in a big city, then it is most likely that he thinks and acts like a modern person. And you can hope that his parents will not be against your marriage.
In small towns and villages the old traditions are still strong. And, if your chosen one is from the village, and you become his wife, then it will take a lot of effort and time to change the attitude of others towards you.

Turks love to visit because they want to see each other. In most cases, the Khrzyaev are not warned about the arrival in advance, but simply drop in to see each other for a while. Guests are greeted with tea, fruits, soft drinks, sweets.

Turkish people do not like to travel. There are enough places in your country where you can relax.
An urban family with an average income willingly visits restaurants. They choose the same restaurant where you can spend time in a family way, among friends.

Turks love to give gifts. Jewelry is preferred from gold. And the greater the weight of the decoration, the more proud the donor will look like.

If you decide to marry a Turk, you need to find out the amount of his earnings. But it won't be easy to do so. The salaries of Turkish citizens vary greatly in size, and are difficult to determine for outsiders.
If your future husband is not rich, you will most likely have to look for a job.

Buying an apartment in Turkey, like in other developed tourist countries, is not cheap, and the average man has to work hard to afford to buy a separate apartment.

Turks can hardly be called stingy. Austerity only happens when there is no money at all. There are no problems with buying clothes. And the opportunity to receive discounts in the shops of your friends is very high. Sociability and goodwill will give you an added bonus.

In Turkey, it is customary to live in your own apartment. Wealthy people live in their own homes.

Utilities in big cities do not frighten with their high cost. Hot central water supply, as we are used to, is absent in Turkey. Every Turkish apartment has a water-heating tank, and on the roof of the houses there are usually solar collectors that heat water from the sun. In a sunny country, this is a very economical system.

If you want to marry a Turk and live in harmony with him, try to find out if you can live separately from his parents. If there are no options to live separately, do not rush to make a decision to move. Otherwise, you'll have a hard time if you can't.

Any unfortunate word, a sidelong glance, or just any mistake can serve as a pretext for a family scandal on the part of the husband's relatives. No promises should be taken into account. Single stay only!

Turks love children. They skillfully combine rigor and a certain amount of pampering.

Religion in Turkey is separate from the state. But the influence of religion on everyday life is great. If you have a boy married to a Turk, prepare for the fact that he will be circumcised at the age of twelve. This procedure does not pose a health hazard, as it is performed by experienced professionals.

In the event of a divorce, children mostly stay with their mother, rarely when it happens otherwise. If the child's mother has stained herself with unworthy behavior, and the influential family of the child's father uses all the levers of influence, then the child will be left to the father.

But it will not work to take the child out without the consent of the father. This will be a shock for him, and he will do everything to prevent the child he loves from being taken out. And Turks love their children.

Turkey recognizes dual citizenship. It would be nice to find out if your country recognizes it.
If you have been officially married to a Turk for three years, you can apply to the authorities with a request for citizenship. Children from previous marriages are eligible for Turkish citizenship. If their mother married a Turk.

1. If you really love your chosen one, and he answers you the same, you can count on success. As a rule, marriages of convenience end in divorce.

2. It is necessary to find out in advance the real financial situation of your fiancé. The Turks love to make up stories about their wealth and success.

3. It is necessary to stipulate the possibility of living separately from the husband's relatives.

4. If your children come to Turkey with you, your close attention to their adaptation will be required. At first, it will be very difficult for them.

5. Before making a decision to move, think about whether you are ready to change your lifestyle, accept other people's customs and traditions.

6. If you have a son from a previous marriage, then he will have to serve in the Turkish army, as there is a mandatory conscription in Turkey.

If you still cannot live without your black-eyed handsome man, make up your mind! And may you be lucky.

The article was prepared by the site http://intdate.ru specifically for the site

Interview: Anastasia Chukovskaya, Elena Gantimurova

Alena, 48 years old, Antalya, Turkey

Alena with her husband, 2004Photo: from personal archive

About love

I was 36 years old, I held a large position in a commercial firm in Moscow. I was married for 17 years, two children finished school. Once at work they gave me a bonus: “Keep a ticket to Turkey, finally have a rest.” I had a great time on the beach and participated in local entertainment, such as the Turkish Night, which takes place in caravanserais. This is a great event to experience local cuisine, Turkish songs and dances. There were about 600 of us in the hall. It is still a mystery to me how, having accidentally looked into the hall, he spotted me in the crowd. And I didn't even notice him. The next day, a representative of the travel agency found me, invited me to go to their office. I came, there a serious intelligent man was waiting for me. We talked to the best of my ability with my clumsy English. I did not attach importance to this meeting, but we exchanged phone numbers.

When I got home, he started texting me. To be honest, it was very nice. By that time, my marriage was cracking at the seams, for many years I had a bad relationship with my husband. But I threw myself into work: early in the morning I ran away to the office, returned late in the evening and tried to drive away the thought that this should be somehow resolved. At some point, I began to understand that children are growing at an incredible speed, soon they will have families themselves, and with whom will I stay? With a man who drinks beer in front of the TV and also drives me back and forth? I went to divorce.

This is what happens in novels. My Turkish acquaintance flew to Moscow and almost at the gangway of the plane presented me with a diamond ring with the words: “Marry me.” then say. I decided we'll figure it out. I could not imagine that at this moment my fate was being decided. At the same time, he was still married then, and I did not believe that he would take and divorce. But that's exactly what happened. When my relatives found out that I was going to drop everything and go to him in Turkey, they thought that I was crazy.

About moving

I flew to Antalya before the New Year. I fell out of the plane with a huge number of suitcases, the largest one had kilograms of Russian books. 10 years ago, they did not use all these readers, into which you can upload as much literature as you like. I also had a huge box with a Chinese Christmas tree with me - after all, the New Year is coming soon. He said, "You're crazy." We were driving home, and trees with red oranges grew along the road and there were small fir trees in tubs: “Let's buy a live one and plant it in the garden? Why do we need your plastic one?

About politics

We've been talking about what happened the last few days. In our family, there is a pluralism of opinions: my husband is saddened that a long-term friendship ends like this - on Turkish television, without cutting anything out, they showed Putin's synchro about "stab in the back." But at the same time he jokes: but, he says, if you don’t go to Russia now, they won’t take it. And my father-in-law from the center of the country is adamant in his loyalty to the AK party. We live in a region that thrives on tourism, Russians are known here, there are a lot of joint businesses, so it’s quite difficult to turn our Turks against Russians. But in Turkish villages, where not a single Russian has ever been, they watch TV, and they are shown a rally of some politician who says: “This is not the first time this has happened, we have been sending notes of protest for several weeks, we have warned, and now this happened , we were just defending our borders,” and the crowd applauded in response. What will the audience's opinion be?

About the consequences

The reaction was not long in coming, hotel reservations around were being canceled, planes from Russia arrive almost empty. Local travel agencies are going to get rid of extra employees by the end of November, these are mostly Meskhetian Turks and Russian girl guides. An acquaintance told the story of her friends: a Turkish husband, a Russian wife with a common child flew to Moscow. At customs they said: mother and child can pass, but you are not desirable. The family did not separate, they returned back to Turkey. In neighboring Belek, the golf courses are empty, and after all, every year at this time, football teams from Russia came there for training and competitions.

With Turkish relatives, 2005Photo: from personal archive

My husband is a doctor, a respected person in our coastal region. In the summer, there are many patients from Russia in our clinic, but if they do not come, we will survive, of course: people from all over Turkey come to us for treatment.

About fear

It seems to me that fear of ISIS (a terrorist organization banned in Russia - TD) is spread in society, it is felt. No one here is ready to put on a veil, although we have many different Muslim groups. But my Muslim friends always emphasize: we are for peace, human life is valuable, and no matter whose it is. Where in the Quran does it say that we must kill? Everyone is nervous, the other day they showed on Turkish TV the arrest of two journalists for publishing an article that the government had ties to ISIS. On the other hand, the gendarmerie conducts raids, suspected IS links are checked by the police.

About national differences

We didn't have a question of religion. My husband and I are both secular people, I am a Christian, he is a Muslim. For us, this is not a conflict situation. I wear long skirts, but I dressed like that in Moscow too. Yes, I had a hard time getting used to some things, for example, greeting elders. I could not approach, kiss the hand of a person and touch my forehead with it, I had some kind of barrier. But now this is how I show love and respect to my elderly father-in-law: it took me ten years to do it. I got used to and appreciated the traditions that my husband adheres to. We always have dinner together, and nothing from the outside world should distract us from a joint meal. I have yoga in the morning, so I don't have breakfast, but I always sit with my husband while he eats: this is our time. In Moscow, I myself changed the wheels of the car, but here it is unacceptable: there are women's affairs, and there are men's. Dealing with a car that was evacuated to a fine parking lot or that needs to be replaced with candles is not my business, but my husband's. And nothing else.

Elena, 33 years old, Moscow, Russia

left: Murat and Elena
right: Murat fishingPhoto: from personal archive

About the first meeting

I was born in Naberezhnye Chelny and lived in Kazan for many years. Living among those who profess a different faith and speak a different language has been familiar to me since childhood, just like the sounds of prayer in the mosque and the Tatar language that we learned at school. Later, I easily learned Turkish precisely because I had already learned a similar language as a child. My husband and I met over 10 years ago, when I was 24 years old. He lived in Moscow since 1992, learned Russian, graduated from Moscow Institute of Engineering and then created his own company. Murat started visiting me in Kazan. Once I paid him a visit in Moscow. “Marry me, I need you, move in with me,” he says. We had to decide on something, otherwise we would have remained 800 kilometers from each other. And I answered him: “You will have to ask my parents for a hand.” I didn't tell them that I was dating a foreigner, I didn't want them to worry that someone was stealing their daughter.

About mentality

We have already got used to each other, but the difference in mentalities sometimes manifests itself. I used to have male friends, but this is unacceptable among the Turks: how is it to be friends with a person of the opposite sex? What kind of friendship can there be? Traditions do not clash with us, my husband has been living in Russia for a long time, he loves our country very much, he is close to nature, loves winter, swam in the hole, goes hunting and fishing, loves dumplings.

It was quite difficult for me to come to terms with the fact that there is a clear distribution of roles in the family. Murat immediately told me: you will not work, Rest, take care of the house, and getting food is my concern. Now we have two children. The Turks are very fond of children, do not hesitate to take care and participation, and when they are sick, and when you can just play.

About jealousy

Not all my girlfriends understand our marriage. How can you constantly ask your husband for time off if there are any plans? In our family, everything is with the consent of the husband. They say that Turkish women are capricious, and a Russian woman is an outlet for a Turkish man. A real woman needs just such a man, behind whom she is like behind a stone wall. And the jealousy of the Turks is due to the fact that they value their woman, do not want to lose and share with someone. A woman should carry herself with dignity. To be a true keeper of the hearth, a caring mother, loving wife. It seems to me that in our marriage, I first of all learned female wisdom. I have acquired incredibly loving relatives. Although we are of different faiths, we respect each other's traditions, we try to visit our family in Turkey twice a year and wait for them to visit us in Moscow. Every day, our relatives call us now, everyone is worried.

From the family archivePhoto: from personal archive

About politics and hatred

Problems with business began, even when Russia quarreled with Ukraine, the agreements began to be canceled. After more than twenty years in Russia, Murat no longer thinks simply like a Turk, so it seemed fair to him that the Crimea returned. It's amazing how much hatred is now pouring out from all sides. The husband calls journalists on television not journalists, but scriptwriters who manipulate viewers. There are already calls on television to support Kurdish terrorists. The husband believes that this whole situation has escalated not without the help of Europe and America, that it is beneficial for them to destroy many years of friendship, they have their own interests. In politics, it is important to restrain your emotions. Everyone must cool down. But apparently, until Russia shoots down even more combat aircraft in response, no one will calm down. Because of everything that is happening, I do not understand how to continue to live. We were going to leave for Turkey, two months ago I was in favor, now I am against it. I don't feel like my children are protected. In Russia, I am protected, not my husband, but in Turkey it is the other way around. Nationalist attacks on the Turks, on the Turks, are heard on the Internet, it even seems to me that these are special paid trolls writing. Other wives of the Turks sent me a petition to Putin and Astakhov for signature so that Turkish men and our children can safely continue their lives in our country. We have children with Turkish names. I worry that their peers may begin to treat them with disdain, because in their families they may speak unflatteringly about the Turks.

Lilya, 45 years old, Oba, Turkey

About love

Lily with familyPhoto: from personal archive

My husband and I have been together for almost 12 years, our daughter is nine. I am from Voronezh, my husband is from Kirsehir, it is 100 kilometers from Ankara. I worked in a travel agency, I had business trips to Turkey. He worked for this company as a driver. At first we corresponded, often did not understand each other due to inaccurate English. We walked towards each other carefully, as if through a minefield. My future husband took a ticket and flew to Russia to show his serious intentions - with a ring and a bouquet for my mother. I was perplexed - we have such a language barrier, I speak English, he is in German, we practically cannot talk, but here it is.

A year later, I flew to Turkey for work and to see him. Summer is a very difficult season for work, so we rarely met, went to a restaurant, tried to communicate. The contract ended, I had to fly home, but he persuaded me to try to live together. I was worried, I had a distrustful attitude towards the East. When I agreed, the first thing that came was his mother. We explained on the fingers, but she was very friendly, and we liked each other.

Now both mother and sister have moved here. My son from his first marriage is 25 years old, he works in tourism. We have life here.

About politics

The whole family is worried, both mine and my husband. We are very sorry that this happened between our countries, but no one is in a hurry to pack things. I generally welcome patriotism, but now I notice that on Russian television there is incomprehensible aggression towards the Turks, some kind of crowd syndrome is awakened by incomprehensible slogans. Mass patriotic madness provokes a protest in me. Why do people change so drastically? I used to wonder why the Ukrainians, with whom the Russians lived together for many years, began to scold us, avoid us, and now the same will happen with the Turks. Russians do not see Turkish life from the inside, they do not know. And the Turks also work, raise children. Why did they suddenly become such and such for the Russians? People allow themselves offensive words, it looks like some kind of command has been given.

From the family archivePhoto: from personal archive

My friends from Russia want to come to us for the New Year, but there are no tickets. They will fly through Minsk. Where we live, there is no resentment against the Russians, on the contrary, everyone I know regrets what happened. They wonder why the attitude towards everything Turkish has changed so dramatically. But the Turks always say: "Yes, it will manage somehow, we will solve everything." No one runs shouting: "You are Russian, you need to be cut." There is nothing like this here, it is some kind of persecution in Russia.

About language and traditions

The language was difficult at first. I wondered why my husband, getting out of bed in the morning, began frantically looking for ... a bed. He just got up from her. But it turns out he can't find a tie. "Kravat" Turkish tie. We didn’t have any issues with religion, my husband has a completely secular European family, many relatives live in Holland and Germany. It was not that difficult for me to get used to Turkish traditions, I just didn’t understand some things. For example, Kurban Bayram. Why kill animals?

And then years passed, and I looked at it from the other side, this is the time when relatives from different places get together and perform a ceremony: they cook meat, treat neighbors. How to go to barbecue. As for clothes, we rarely have disputes, I can wear a short skirt. My husband sometimes tells me that my neckline is too deep or the skirt is like a young one. And I answer: “Yes, 45 is a berry again.” My mother-in-law gave me Turkish shalvars, so I wear them with pleasure at home, it’s convenient for me.

Natalia, 37 years old, Alanya, Turkey

Natalia with her husband

About politics

Everyone in our family is worried. And my friend, who went to Russia with her mother a month ago with her child, is now afraid to return to her husband. The family was divided. Her husband, a Turk, is very upset and says he will go to the consulate to complain. But what can he do? Rumors are already circulating that they may not be allowed to leave Russia to join their family here.

About family

I worked in a travel agency, spent eight months in Turkey, and returned to Russia for the winter. My husband and I met five years ago. When I flew away from him for the first time in the winter, he gave me a bouquet of flowers on Valentine's Day. He is very attentive, patient and caring. And he doesn't drink. I sometimes say: "Let's have a drink, we urgently need it." So it's not. My son from his first marriage lives with us, he is 16 years old. He already has Turkish friends, he goes to the wrestling section, but he misses Russia. Difficult age. And he doesn't drink. I sometimes say: let's have a drink, we urgently need it. So no Sometimes, if something goes wrong, the husband talks to him, they find a common language. My husband has many nephews, he loves children, but he will not breathe on our child. He is now six months old.

Natalia with a child

My husband's parents live in Mahmutlar, separately from us. My mother lives with us, she is happy with her son-in-law. She says that he is polite, kind and always watches her facial expression - she is pleased. My mother-in-law is a closed woman, she prays, but my husband's sisters are modern. I was received very well. Sometimes we do not have enough vocabulary, then we each take on our own vocabulary, and then it’s not even up to sorting out the relationship.

About mentality

Sometimes some little things that I would not pay attention to, he is pissed off. For example, housemates say hello to me, but not to him. And maybe they see me more often, I walk with the child. The husband is offended. With clothes like this: it doesn’t seem to be very open, but it’s hot in summer. In the morning I get dressed and ask: can I go like this? Yes, you can. And in the evening you will come home: “What, did you go in this ?!” I don't wear floor-length skirts, I don't like them. Previously, his jealousy was sharper, now smoothed out. There are no reasons, but it takes time for a man to trust. We walk along the street, he always seems to want to hide me from everyone, close me. If he sees that I'm angry in earnest, he immediately grabs his heart. Me, speaks, urgently validol. I cook for my husband, he eats everything except borscht: he doesn’t like borscht.

Anna, 31 years old, Konakly - Pyatigorsk

Anna with her husband

About how it all began

Two years ago, a friend told me about her photographer friend: he is Turkish and is looking for a Russian-speaking employee for the season. I volunteered to go to Turkey to work in his firm. The newly minted chef, without much courtship, very reasonably and seriously explained to me that he likes me, and he wants us to start a family. The season ended, and we came to me in Pyatigorsk. My husband knows Russian and four other languages. He liked the city and the people. We have a lot of Caucasians, so he did not feel like a stranger. And there are Turks in Pyatigorsk: they have enterprises in the wholesale market, and there are students from Turkey in our Pharmaceutical Academy.

About family

All my distant and close relatives are international, there are Ukrainians, Circassians, Armenians, Germans, and everyone lives well and treats each other with respect. There is an Armenian family among our friends in Pyatigorsk, and it is not true that Turks and Armenians cannot be friends. My relatives, when they got to know my fiancé better, said: “This is our guy.” Mom realized that I fell in love for real.

It is not true that Turks and Armenians cannot be friends