1. Warn her in advance that you will be late at work (or at a party with friends, we will add from ourselves).
A simple example: imagine that you are going to pull up on the bar for 20 times, and now you have reached 18, and then the asshole coach comes up to you and says: “Let's do ten more.” Clear? This is how she feels when you say at the last moment that you are late.
2. As soon as you come home, immediately get involved in business.
Now is not the time to chat with a neighbor and discuss the news about the child with him. Suppose you have a Lord of the Rings battle going on right now in your home and your wife needs reinforcements. Because she walks back and forth with a baby in her arms and thinks: “There are only 30, 29, 28 minutes left” (see previous point).
3. Rejoice in the child.
It is clear that you love him, but you need to show your feelings. Because the newly-made mother is bound hand and foot with a sense of hyper-responsibility for the child and will not move away from him, even if he yells like an enraged monkey. Therefore, you yourself must offer your “services”: “I missed him so much during the day, I can’t wait to take him in my arms, but for now you go to the shower.” And she will gladly go to the shower, or finally eat or just sit alone with herself. A win-win.
4. Don't ask her, "What's for dinner?"
If everyone at home is alive and well by the time you get home from work, it was a good day. Once a man said to his wife: “You are at home all day and do nothing. What's for dinner?". What answer can be heard in this case? Correct: "Your left egg." So eat cereal or order food at a restaurant. You can drink expressed breast milk. Basically, improvise.
5. Don't tell her how tired you are..
Even if you've been running through the jungle all day from a pack of angry gorillas. She'll still outsmart you anyway. Moreover, she will tell you things about which you did not know and, even worse, you would never want to know. Also keep in mind that she is the person who gets up at night to the child and sees your defenseless, peacefully sleeping body. Don't give her a reason to smother you with a nursing pillow. Moreover, she has already mentally planned your murder more than once. Just don't provoke her.
6. Do not say that you will "sit with the child."
Usually women pass this on deaf ears, but if the mother of your baby has had enough sleep (that is, slept continuously for at least 20 minutes), she will not leave it so easily. You are not sitting with the child, you are his father, the same parent as she is. Therefore, come up with alternative options: “I will fulfill my parental duty”, “I will stay in charge”, “I will stay at the helm”, and let her go about her business. On their own, not maternal.
7. Don't hold your baby over your face while lying on your back.
Yes, kids love it. And they rejoice. And you like it too, obviously. But they spit up or even vomit. And they do it without warning, while you happily yell: “Who is this daddy’s plane?”. The plane will puke right in your mouth. And all the help to your wife will go down the drain, because now she will have to help you get through this shock.
8. Act like you're a CIA agent.
Do your dirty work gracefully, like a doe. Silently unload the dishwasher. Catch your cousin's smelly hands with herpes reaching for your child's face. Bring your wife a glass of water before she even asks for it. Be a man, dude.
In the first week after childbirth, while the woman is in the hospital, she is monitored daily by a doctor and a midwife. They assess the general condition of the puerperal, measure the pulse, blood pressure, body temperature, determine the condition of the mammary glands, the involution of the uterus, the nature of lochia. In most cases, after normal childbirth, you can do without medication, only with very painful contractions in you can use painkillers. The puerperal is discharged on the 4-5th day after uncomplicated childbirth.
So, the rules of the postpartum period:
1. Normal sleep. Its total duration should be at least 8-10 hours a day. Naturally, it is impossible to ensure a long sleep at night, because you will have to repeatedly feed the baby, so try to give any free minute to sleep during the day.
2. You can get out of bed after a normal birth after 6 hours. At first, get up carefully, avoiding sudden movements, otherwise you may feel dizzy. Already on the first day after childbirth, you can do breathing exercises and help the uterus contract with the help of self-massage. To do this, lie on your back, relax your stomach as much as possible, gently feel the bottom of the uterus (just below the navel) and gently stroke it from the sides to the center and up. Sleeping and lying during the first 2-3 days after childbirth, before the milk arrives, is better on the stomach. The periodic application of a heating pad with ice on the lower abdomen also helps to reduce. To avoid hypothermia, the heating pad should be wrapped in a diaper and kept for no more than 20 minutes in a row.
3. On the second day after childbirth, you can proceed to. Every day and more often perform light exercises for compression and relaxation of the pelvic floor, tensing and relaxing the muscles of the perineum - several times a day, 10-20 times. This will help get rid of involuntary urination, will promote the healing of sutures in the perineum. To train the abdominal muscles, exhale and draw in the stomach, holding your breath; then relax. It is also necessary to perform these simple exercises several times a day, 5-10 times.
4. It is very important to carefully observe the rules of personal hygiene. Washing, especially if there are stitches on the perineum, is necessary after each visit to the toilet, just water is enough, but it is also possible with baby soap. 1-2 times a day, the seams are additionally treated with antiseptics (a solution of brilliant green, potassium permanganate, etc.). Gaskets must be kept clean. For this period, special postpartum pads are best suited, in extreme cases, ordinary, but with a cotton surface. Some maternity hospitals do not allow the use of pads with a top layer made of synthetic materials that do not allow flow in the opposite direction, since when using such pads it is difficult to assess the intensity, and especially the color of the discharge. Regardless of the fullness, it is necessary to change the gasket every 2-3 hours. In some obstetric institutions, on the 1st or 2nd day after childbirth, it is recommended to use diapers to monitor the nature of the discharge.
5. Shower must be taken 2 times a day, then the mammary glands should be washed with soap. There is no need to wash the breast after each feeding, it is enough to leave a drop of milk on the nipple and let it dry in the open air. Washing the breast before each feeding can lead to overdrying of the skin and cracks. It is impossible to take a bath in the first month after childbirth, since the cervix remains ajar, when taking a bath, the likelihood of infection in the uterus increases. Underwear and bed linen should be cotton. Underwear is changed daily, bedding - at least once every 3 days.
6. In the first 2 days after childbirth, food should be easily digestible - first courses, fermented milk products are recommended. From the 3rd day, the usual one is prescribed. Spicy, fatty, smoked foods, canned food and alcohol should be excluded from the diet. Of course, you should not use potential allergens for a child: red, yellow fruits, especially exotic ones. As well as products containing preservatives, including sausages, fish, seafood, sweets, chocolate, etc.
Every day try to drink fermented milk products (at least 0.5 l), eat cottage cheese (50 g) or cheese (20 g), meat (200 g), vegetables, fruits (500-700 g each), bread and vegetable oil. With established lactation, you should additionally drink at least 2 liters of fluid per day.
7. Sexual life after childbirth can be resumed after 6-8 weeks. By this time, the woman's body is already completely back to normal. Before resuming, you should visit your doctor. You will be weighed, your blood pressure will be taken, a urinalysis will be taken, and your breasts will be examined. A vaginal examination will be done to determine the size and position of the uterus, check how the stitches have healed, and a cervical smear. Your doctor will advise you on contraceptives.
To fully recover from childbirth, at least 2 years must pass before the next pregnancy.
We list the physiological changes that necessarily occur in a woman's body after childbirth and are associated with the completion of pregnancy and the onset of lactation:
- The uterus shrinks and returns to its original size, its mucous membrane is restored. The transverse size of the uterus immediately after childbirth is 12-13 cm, weight is 1000 g. At the end of the 6-8th week after childbirth, the size of the uterus corresponds to its size at the beginning of pregnancy, and the weight is 50-60 g.
– Soft tissue injuries heal: cracks and ruptures. Cracks heal without a trace, and scars form at the sites of ruptures.
- The swelling of the external genital organs, which formed in the last weeks of pregnancy and during childbirth, decreases.
- Ligaments lose their elasticity, which during pregnancy and childbirth carried heavy loads. The mobility of the joints and other bone joints, which also carried loads during pregnancy and childbirth, is lost.
- The internal organs that were displaced due to the large size of the uterus (stomach, lungs, intestines, bladder, etc.) take their former position.
- Gradually return to work in the previous mode, all organs that carried a double load during pregnancy (kidneys, liver, heart, lungs, etc.)
- There are changes in the endocrine system. The endocrine glands, which were enlarged during pregnancy, gradually decrease to their normal state. However, the organs of the endocrine system that provide lactation continue to work actively.
- The mammary glands increase in size. Now they must ensure the feeding of the newborn and learn how to produce milk in accordance with the age needs of the growing body of the child.
Now let's discuss the course of the postpartum period and the features of postpartum care based on knowledge of the changes taking place in a woman's body.
For successful contraction of the uterus, it is very important to attach the newborn to the breast within the first hour after birth, and frequent (once every 2 hours during the daytime) and prolonged feedings thereafter. Breast sucking stimulates the production of the hormone oxytocin and is therefore very effective in uterine contraction. During feeding, the uterus is actively contracting, due to which a woman may experience cramping pains in the lower abdomen. In the first days after childbirth, to reduce the uterus, you should put a heating pad with ice for 30 minutes and often lie on your stomach. It is also worth using preventive herbal medicine aimed at reducing the uterus, starting from 4 days after birth. You can use for this grass shepherd's purse, nettle, yarrow and birch leaves.
1 tablespoon of herbs is poured with a glass of boiling water and infused for 30 minutes, then filtered. Ready broth drink ¼ cup 4 times a day.
Herbs can be alternated (for example: 3 days shepherd's purse, then during the week alternate nettle and yarrow every other day, then birch leaves; or change all herbs in turn every other day) or mix in equal proportions.
Too much impact on the uterus and other organs of the abdominal cavity, which have not yet taken their original position, may lead to a change in the position of these organs or cause an inflammatory process. Therefore, it is not recommended to wear tight bandages and engage in active physical exercises aimed at tightening the abdominals.
In connection with the contraction of the uterus in the first week after childbirth, abundant postpartum discharge - lochia - is released from it. When standing up or changing the position of the body, the discharge may increase. This discharge will gradually lighten up from a bloody condition, then pale pink, and will finally stop 6 weeks after delivery. To maintain cleanliness, as well as to accelerate the healing process of ruptures or soft tissue injuries, it is necessary to carefully carry out the toilet of the external genital organs. In the first week after childbirth, three times a day, washing with warm water should be completed by washing the external genitalia with a decoction of oak bark.
4 tablespoons of oak bark in an enamel bowl pour 500 ml of boiling water. Boil for 15 minutes, adding boiling water. Remove from heat and insist another 15 minutes, strain.
From the second week until the discharge is clarified, you can use a decoction of chamomile twice a day for these purposes.
Pour 2 tablespoons of chamomile with 1 liter of boiling water, leave for 20 minutes, strain.
For tissue splicing, it is very important to dry the seams after washing and treat them with additional healing agents. It is recommended to use underwear only from natural fabrics and, if possible, the same pads for the entire postpartum period.
It is important from the very first days to establish full breastfeeding. The processes of normal lactation contribute to the normalization of the hormonal background in the female body, due to which the postpartum recovery period will be more successful. In the first days after childbirth, wearing a bra is not recommended. At this time, only a small amount of colostrum is released from the breast, which is extremely beneficial for the child. On the 2-7th day, depending on the nature of the course of childbirth, a rush of milk occurs. From now on, it is convenient to use nursing tops or T-shirts to support the breasts. In some cases, the flow of milk may be accompanied by high fever, the appearance of pain and seals in the mammary glands. In this case, it is necessary to reduce fluid intake. You should resort to pumping only when painful sensations arise in the filled breast, 1-2 times a day and express the breast only until a feeling of relief appears. Milk fever lasts 1-3 days.
From the moment milk appears, it is important to apply the baby to the breast often enough, this improves the contractile activity of the uterus and contributes to the formation of lactation. If the child is with the mother, one should try to apply it to the breast at least once every 2 hours. When kept separately, it is necessary to establish regular pumping every 3 hours, except for the night interval from 24.00 to 6.00 in the morning. At this time, a woman needs rest. Before the baby develops sucking rhythms, there may be restless sucking, where there are practically no pauses, or, conversely, sluggish sucking when the baby sleeps and skips feedings. Therefore, starting from the third week after birth, the mother needs to monitor the number of attachments so that weight loss and dehydration do not develop, and allow the child to be at the breast as long as he needs to compensate for the birth stress.
It is important from the very first days to make sure that the child sucks not only the nipple, but also captures as much of the areola as possible in order to avoid abrasions or cracks in the nipple. It is necessary to feed the child in a comfortable position so as not to get tired. At first, especially if the woman has tears, this will be the “lying on the arm” position. Then the mother can master the “sitting”, “standing”, “under the arm” poses and begins to alternate them. By the seventh week, the mammary glands are adapting to the process of lactation and feeding.
The term "postpartum depression" is familiar to everyone in our time, even those who have never given birth. There are many reasons for this, and listing them would require a separate article. Therefore, it is imperative to carry out the prevention of postpartum depression, starting from the 6th day after birth for at least two weeks. To do this, take an infusion of motherwort, valerian or peony, 1 teaspoon 3 times a day. The support and understanding of relatives and friends, especially the husband, is also of considerable importance. It is worth limiting the reception of guests in the first month, even with the best intentions, as this requires additional efforts from the woman. It is important not to overload a woman who has given birth with household chores, to allow her to regain her strength, to adapt to her new role as a mother. It is useful to get enough sleep, including going to bed 1-2 times a day. For a good sleep, a mother needs to learn how to sleep with her baby. When sleeping together, a woman has the opportunity to relax, and not jump up at every squeak of a newborn, and the children themselves sleep much more calmly next to their mother. It is very important to find a person who will help a young mother to get used to new duties for her, will prompt and teach her how to deal with a baby, will calmly listen to conversations about events and experiences related to the child.
Traditionally, the first nine days after childbirth, a woman was considered sick, and she was entitled to especially thorough postpartum care. Until day 42, it was believed that the woman and child still needed special care. Therefore, she was not allowed to the household, allowing her to establish relationships in the mother-child pair and get used to changes in life. And those around took care of the woman herself, made sure that she did not need anything, and could fully recover after childbirth. Therefore, within 6 weeks after childbirth, you do not need to go for walks. Mother and baby at this time need recovery after childbirth, breastfeeding and peace, and not walking. Especially if the baby was born during the cold season. Due to a decrease in immune forces, even a slight cooling can lead to the development of an inflammatory process. For the same reasons, a woman is not recommended to walk barefoot and in light clothes, and it is better to replace taking a bath with a shower. Pleasant drinks in the form of drinks will also help take care of the health of the woman who has given birth. Well restores strength drink based on chaga
Pour 2 tablespoons of chopped chaga into 900 ml of warm boiled water. Separately, boil a whole lemon in 100 ml of water for 10 minutes. Then crush the insides of the lemon and mix with chaga, add 2 tablespoons of honey. Insist 6-8 hours.
For better restoration and maintenance of immunity, a woman can take rose hips, in the form of syrup (2 teaspoons 3 times a day), or in the form of compote, infusion, it is possible with thyme herb
2 tablespoons of rose hips and 1 tablespoon of thyme pour 300-400 ml of boiling water. Insist thermos for 30 minutes, drink throughout the day.
The postpartum period is no less important for a woman than pregnancy and childbirth. At this time, not only the functioning of the body is restored, but also the transition of the woman to a new state occurs. She learns to care for a newborn, breastfeeding, lays the foundation for the further health of the child, is aware of her maternal role and comprehends maternal science. The success of the postpartum period, and in the future, the physical and mental health of the mother and child depends on compliance with the rules for postpartum care and the application of traditional recommendations for the care of a woman in labor.
Has your relationship changed since the birth of your first child? Many will answer this question unequivocally: "Yes". Indeed, the appearance of a baby cannot but affect the way of the family, the psychological atmosphere, the relationship between husband and wife, and other relatives.
After conducting a survey among women who have recently become mothers, I found out that most of them say that relations with the appearance of a child in their family have changed for the worse (55% of respondents), slightly fewer opinions are in favor of improving relations (35%) and a small part of the respondents said that relations had not changed in any way (10%). A survey among young fathers showed approximately the same picture: for the worse - 70%, for the better - 25%, did not change at all - 5%.
Do not rush to be sad, the third man in the family is not superfluous! This state of affairs is a completely normal picture. Let's take a look at the problem in order and start with the good.
Hooray! Now we are a family
We gave birth to our Artemka together, - says Anna. - I immediately noticed in the postpartum ward how my husband had changed! Tired, but happy, we cried ... My husband and I love each other even more. The kid gave us the right to be called a family! I read somewhere: if after the birth of a child you are not divorced, then love has settled in your house.
Our relationship has become a little better, - says Yulia. - We see each other's reflection in the child. When I see my husband working with a child, I love him even more. Although it seems that there is nowhere else.
The girls are absolutely right, a real family is when there is a child. A kid in which, like in a mirror, both mother's and father's features are reflected. "How your baby looks like daddy!" - the observant neighbor will say. "And handsome as a mother!" - the passer-by will confirm. There are no sweeter words, because our children are an extension of ourselves.
Life doesn't go in vain if someone in this world says "mom" to you! This opinion is shared by modern psychologists. They note that motherhood has a beneficial effect on a woman in many ways. We become self-confident, as we have achieved self-realization in life; attitude towards life becomes more positive.
Scientists say that a woman who has a child becomes smarter... Due to hormonal changes in her body, the size of cells in certain parts of the brain increases, which has a beneficial effect on its work. Yes, and the little child himself and caring for him makes mommy be smarter, more collected, find solutions in the most unexpected situations.
Beneficial changes in the body after the birth of a child are experienced not only by mothers. Fathers who take part in the upbringing of the baby are also changing for the better. For example, brain function improves, especially those departments that are responsible for planning and memory.
Our husbands are also undergoing psychological changes. They are proud of their paternity, because it puts them in society a few steps higher. Young dads feel responsible for the baby, they try to earn more money to provide for the family. They are imbued with respect for their soulmate, especially if they were in childbirth.
The presence of a husband at childbirth brings couples closer together. But I would like to make a reservation that we are talking about such participation, for which the couple specially prepared, attended partner childbirth courses, and, if necessary, consulted with a psychologist.
Previously, it was believed that the upbringing of children affects the psyche of women much more than the psyche of men. But recent research into male experiences has shown that fatherhood affects men just as much as motherhood affects women.
The first serious test for a young family is the birth of a child. If you have been married for several years before having offspring, it will be easier to go through difficulties, but no one will give you a guarantee of 100% success either. As my small sociological study shows, a fairly large percentage of women tend to believe that the appearance of a baby has improved relations with their husband. This does not mean that there are no problems in their family at all, rather they are looked at from a positive point of view.
If we talk about relationships, then our relationship has become stronger, - says Maria, - my husband has become more courteous, because he sees that I'm getting tired. And I began to be more attentive to my husband, as I see how he strains at work for us. But at the same time, we feel a load on our shoulders, which is why there are "scolds" and misunderstandings, which were almost non-existent before. If we talk about life in general, then, of course, ours has changed dramatically! Well, maybe not so cool with my husband, but I definitely do! Count at home all day, there is almost no time for yourself, communication is minimal, sleepless nights, and so on. The birth of a child in a family is a great test, very difficult, but at the same time so pleasant ...
The birth of a child brought a lot of new things to our family, - says Sergey. - A lot, a lot of good, joyful and bright. But there are no less problems. I try to smooth out unpleasant moments, I understand how hard it is for my wife with a baby, she herself has not recovered after giving birth. I think that over time everything will get better, we will learn to live in a new capacity - as parents.
Parents who raise children together with a spouse have a lower risk of depression compared to those who raise children alone, psychologists say. There is no doubt about this. Together it is easier to endure difficulties, the main thing is not to create them for each other.
If the crisis came
According to statistics, many couples break up in the first two or three years after the birth of a child. In general, every second couple undergoes a divorce. Why? After all, it would seem that the birth of a child makes the family complete. What is the reason for the misunderstanding between spouses? Maybe it's from excessive male pride or female incontinence? I don't think it's all that clear...
Relations have become just terrible, says Ekaterina. - It's not easy for me to talk about it and realize it, but our relationship is terrible. Every day there is a quarrel, someone is dissatisfied with someone, and then the mother-in-law adds fuel to the fire. To be honest, I sometimes think about a divorce, but then I look at the child and understand that I don’t want to deprive him of a full-fledged family.
After the birth of my daughter, my husband and I began to quarrel often, says Anastasia. - We have different views on the upbringing and attitude towards the child. We quarreled to the point that when Masha was one year old, we divorced. He already has another woman. I regret that I could not save my family ...
I remember that I used to wonder how it was: they got married, they were so happy, and then a child was born, and they parted, - says Alicia. I couldn't understand or accept it. Now I understand that the birth of a child is a family test for strength. I'm glad we survived it. Our relationship has certainly changed. The family has a new leader and at the same time the center of the universe.
First about dad
Here is how Uncle Benjamin Spock sees this problem and its solution: “In the depths of his soul, a husband may feel superfluous (as a little boy sometimes considers himself rejected when he finds out about his mother’s pregnancy). Outwardly, this hidden feeling manifests itself in irritability towards his wife, in desire to spend evenings with friends outside the home, in courting other women.At the same time, the wife is deprived of the support of her husband at the very time when she needs her most, when a new, unfamiliar stage of her life begins.
The great pediatrician of all times and peoples shows us that the period of the appearance of a baby in the family is difficult not only for his mother, but also for his father. He writes: “Coming to the maternity hospital to visit his wife and child, the husband does not feel like the head of the family – for the staff he is just another visitor… again the husband plays mainly the role of a porter."
After such words, you understand your husband. Why and from what sometimes he behaves completely wrong. Resentment and jealousy simply speak in him, that now he is not needed, as if he had fulfilled his duty and is now free.
All the attention hitherto directed at the husband is now given to the child, - Pavel shares his impressions of fatherhood. - By the way, for girls the calling "MOTHER" is much more significant than "WIFE". Therefore, the husband fades into the background.
For the first six months, I couldn’t realize that in addition to my wife, I also had a child, ”says Arkady. “Then I had to take matters into my own hands. Of the sensations - immediately after the hospital, a feeling of gratitude. A little later - a small offense. Then the resentment went away. Once it became offended, it was necessary to raise a child.
Benjamin Spock suggests actively including the husband in the process of preparing for childbirth and caring for the baby. Spouses can visit a doctor together, go to consultations and courses to prepare for childbirth. If your husband wants to attend the birth, do not refuse him. You can dedicate the future dad not to all the sacraments of the birth of an heir.
For example, my husband limited himself to helping me in the prenatal ward, then I remained surrounded by doctors and obstetricians. After our baby was born and screamed, he was again invited to me, or rather, to us already ... The medical staff congratulated the newly-made dad, the midwife seriously talked about how the birth went, the pediatrician said that the baby was healthy and it was time to wash him, measure and wrap in the first clothes. My husband was invited to take part in the examination of our son, where he took the first photographs of the heir.
I never stop saying thank you to my husband for his support in difficult times. Then, in the prenatal ward, I really needed him: we sang, and puffed, and jumped when the fight was going on ... I think such an active participation in childbirth rallied us even more, set up further family life in the right, benevolent direction.
In the future, I also tried to involve my husband in caring for the baby. Sometimes it was purely symbolic, but very important for the atmosphere in the family. In the early days, the task of changing the diaper of our dad's little one was confusing, and this process dragged on. But over time, everything began to work out for him, this gave reason for pride in front of acquaintances and friends. He, like an experienced connoisseur, shared his observations of his son with mothers on the playground, taught the young and inexperienced, but, of course, in jest ...
And now about mom
A young mother cannot do without special attention and care. And the care of the husband should not be limited only to earning money. Kind words, a bouquet of flowers just like that, help around the house and in caring for a child - sometimes this is enough to keep a strong family.
“A husband must constantly remember that his wife is having a much harder time than he is, especially after returning home from the hospital. Her body has experienced fundamental physiological and hormonal changes. If this is their first child, then the wife cannot but feel serious concern. her huge nervous and physiological stress: In order to give a lot of mental strength to a child, she must receive increased care and attention from her husband, "- these golden words belong to our beloved Benjamin Spock.
The birth of a child in my family was definitely stressful, and even very strong, - says Dmitry. - And here it is very important not to withdraw into oneself, and to speak out all the problems that arise ... An abstract understanding that during this period it is very difficult for a woman is not enough. And maybe I’m wrong, but it’s the man who bears the very responsibility that everyone talks about like that ... Only, as a rule, they talk about “responsibility for the wife and child”, and here the responsibility for those very relationship...
I must say, the men settled down well, - Konstantin argues. - A woman carries a child for nine months, then gives birth to him in pain, and then she herself wipes his snot, changes diapers, does not sleep at night ... I love and feel sorry for my wife. In everything I try to help her with the child, and not only in words, but also in deeds. If it were possible, I would sit at home with her and our six-month-old son. But the world is arranged in such a way that a man needs to go to work.
In addition to all other difficulties, one must also remember about the "postpartum depression" (or "baby blues syndrome"), which, like a bolt from the blue, falls on poor women after the birth of a child. It would seem that we should rejoice: here he was born, the long-awaited beloved baby! Healthy, cheerful: but no, a young mother is crying from something, sheds tears, gets upset. According to statistics, every tenth woman in labor is subject to deep postpartum depression, which can last up to a year. Most often these are women 25-45 years old.
Here you definitely need to be aware of the matter in order to safely survive a gloomy period. Doctors say that it's all about the unstable position of hormones, the restructuring of the body, and so on. But I know for myself that the very fact of the birth of the first child is the strongest shock for a woman. This has definitely never happened to you! Feelings, to say the least, impressive ... Hair stand on end from the experience. And I don't mean physical pain and fear, although it is also there, I'm talking about a psychological sensation. To show this world a new person, a real living person - that's the point! Here, not only depression, temporary clouding of the mind can be acquired.
Your first helpers in the onset of postpartum depression are your husband and loved ones. They must clearly understand the nature of your anxiety, causeless crying and fears. In no case should you scold and reproach a poor woman for being overly worried, twitching at every occasion and crying. Treat the young mother with understanding, if you can’t calm down, then at least don’t escalate the situation yourself, keep silent once again ... Remember, this condition is completely normal, and it will pass soon.
At the same time, a young mother herself should not fall into universal sadness and grief. Try to control yourself as much as possible. If it is in your power, try not to take it out on your husband for a minor offense. Sometimes the fatigue accumulated during the day makes us uncontrollable, irritable, but this is not a reason to swear and quarrel with loved ones.
Expert opinion
We will entrust the summing up of today's conversation to a specialist Olga Vladimirovna Kuznetsova, a psychologist, a teacher at the Pedagogical Institute. A short blitz interview will unite everything that has been said today and will set you up for a cloudless future of family life.
Olga Vladimirovna, in your opinion, what is the reason for the family crisis after the birth of a child?
When a baby appears in the family, everything concentrates on him. Mom gives him her love, affection and care. And in this situation, dad can feel his uselessness. He may feel that he is forgotten and abandoned, he is given little love and care. And here the situation can develop in two ways.
The first way to develop relationships: a new "baby" will appear in the house. It is our dad who begins to "be capricious", or simply avoids the place where "he is now not loved." In this situation, the mother remains the strongest. The psychological situation in such a house is unfavorable. And for a baby, it is very important. Although he does not yet understand the words, he captures the intonation very well.
In general, in no case should a child be used for one's own purposes "to strengthen the family" or "to keep the husband." It is unacceptable to shift responsibility for your actions and mistakes onto a small, defenseless baby, to dump your problems on him. Only the spouses themselves are responsible for them, both of them.
The second way: a real adult self-sufficient man appears in the house, who looks at things sensibly, without illusions and is ready to be strong. He is helped by his love for the baby and for his mother, he understands that in this situation the baby needs more care than he does. Yes, and mom really needs his support and help. And in order not to be alone with himself or with his "abandonment", such a dad begins to HELP. And now, after a while, he feels that he is very needed, that he is very loved and expected.
In general, in life it is best to get rid of negative thoughts by starting to do something, and it is better to help those who need help. Inner satisfaction from the good done is the best medicine.
How to solve this problem?
There are no universal methods. Each family has its own problems and causes, each family is individual and unique. In difficult cases, it is necessary to understand each specific situation. In general, we can say the following: the birth of a child is a test for any relationship, and how a family passes this test depends on both the husband and the wife. If the relationship between husband and wife is built on love, mutual respect, trust, then such a test will only strengthen them. Loving spouses support each other without demanding anything in return.
Remember:
- if there was a quarrel between you, put yourself in the place of your spouse. Sometimes this is enough to reconsider the conflict and find its solution;
- do not swear with your husband in front of strangers, even if you are right. No strength to resist? Show your dissatisfaction silently with your eyes, so that only he sees. Women know how to do it;
- try to speak according to the "I-message" pattern. That is, express your claims in this form: "I think that you are wrong!", and not categorically: "You are wrong!";
- relatives and friends should not interfere in your relationship, impose themselves and indicate how to take care of the child, in the end, the responsibility for everything will fall on you;
- don't add fuel to the fire. Try to bring the conflict to naught as soon as possible;
- you too can be wrong, despite the fact that it is more difficult for you;
- this is your husband, and you yourself chose him, which means that there is something good in him that you love him for. Try not to forget about the positive aspects of your married life.
Anna Kuznetsova
Discussion
What bothered with this Spock, that he is a great pediatrician ... the fool understands that there are others, they simply cited his theory as an example ... the person who read the article will not use it as a panacea ... this is one of the opinions and it has a right to exist. The essence of the article is to support young families and this is much more important !!! And the experts of Gipenreiter would take and write their article !!! Why be smart then ...
The article is good, but if everything was so simple. My husband does not want to be involved in family affairs. He believes that he earns money - and this is his entire contribution. The child is 1.5 years old. The hardest part is over. But nothing remained of our relationship with my husband. He doesn't want to help me. "Caring for a child is a woman's business," he says. I say help me, I have free time that I can devote to you. But he doesn't want to. Says let's get a babysitter. But that sounds like a threat. Because he would have hired a "nanny" for himself. (We had a dispute about how long I could hold out and not ask for a nanny). And I do not want a stranger in the house. My husband never loved me (but he didn’t cheat either, it seems to me), I got used to it and took it for granted. Now I feel sorry for myself. I live for myself and the child. I take care of my husband. But I would like to have a man in the house, and not a small child "playing all evening on a computer" who would share my worries and allow me to share it.
I wrote to sort out my life. And I'm not at all relieved that someone has the same problems.
11/21/2006 10:39:58 AM, GulChatayYou know, I read the reviews here and realized that everything here is about me. With only one difference: I don’t know why, but I had the strength not to give up, but to fight on.
After giving birth, everyone just abandoned me, to their shame, I slept 2 hours a day for two months. She did everything herself: washing, ironing, diapers, cooking, feeding, cleaning, walking, bathing, dressing, washing dishes, washing floors ... The list is endless! I really wanted to get divorced. The first insight was the words of my husband: "Stop pretending to be a mother-heroine!". I remember that I was terribly offended and did not talk to him for several days. And then I realized that no one needed my exploits. If I didn’t have the strength to wash the dishes, I didn’t, and the mountain remained in the sink until the morning - my husband had to wash it anyway. Couldn't hang clothes, couldn't hang them, couldn't wash - didn't wash. And the husband himself began to delve into economic affairs - you have to live. If there is nothing to wear - you need to wash, hang up clothes. I began to actively involve my husband in taking care of the child, even if something didn’t work out for him, I praised him, despite the fact that I wanted to hit him with something heavy and scream. He began to bathe the baby, walk with him, change diapers. To help around the house: at first a little bit, then more. I began to speak calmly with him, and not scream as before, she said in an even voice that it was hard for me to do this and that, please do it! The struggle was not easy and is still being fought from time to time, sometimes I wanted to give up and give up everything!
And now all our affairs are divided in half, and not into purely feminine and masculine.
And believe it or not, I practically defeated a very demanding child (waking up at least 6 times a night) and a husband who, after the birth of a baby, became, without exaggeration, just an egoist in the square!
The simplest problem is simply not to solve: get a divorce, pretend to be a victim of your family, a walking sense of duty, and so on. And you can take your will into a fist, and slowly (even a millimeter per hour), but surely move towards your goal - the creation of a real family, where everyone supports each other, loves and enjoys being next to each other, and not watching TV alone while the wife turns inside out.
And yet, no one says that with a child it is necessary to stay at home within four walls, and go out only to the neighboring park. I began to feel like a person after we started visiting with the child, going to cafes and shops. After all, now a lot of things are equipped for strollers, there are high chairs in cafes, wheelchair seats in shops, it is not forbidden to travel with a stroller in the subway. And about any infection: after all, we vaccinate children, feed them with breast milk (immune from the mother), you can not travel with children when there is a special crowd of people. Live and enjoy life, fight and you will succeed!
And in the end, I would like my review not to be perceived as boasting - like everything is super with me. This is far from true. Everyone has problems. But we must solve them and not give up. This is exactly what motherhood is given to women, because they are more attentive, patient and enduring than men (just don't be offended).
I would really like the author of the second post to read my review. It just so happens that I'm in a similar situation. only not in Ukraine, but here in Moscow. everyone has the same problems, and there are two solutions either to build or to break. Dear dskorr. you love. yes, and probably the wife too. after all, this is how they hatched !!! this is most likely the accumulated fatigue for all the previous time from the moment of conception. Not even tension, but relaxation. You (I mean your family) bore, gave birth, cared for and cared for. all this requires colossal efforts on your part, material, on the part of your wife - life, a child. I don't appreciate which is harder. all worked. Now the child has become a little more independent, you subconsciously feel that you already have the right and want attention to yourself. But it is impossible to reverse the situation and change your life in one day or night. You are ripe for change. this is a protest. In my opinion, we need to start working. Only you and your wife should come first, because we love the child. no matter how difficult your mater. position. get out and carve out time for two. through fatigue. hire a nanny, any person you trust, even a neighbor, will do for this role, nothing will happen to the child in 1-2 hours. build your rest and entertainment together. and let the wife go to work. it will become more interesting for her to live, the burden of household chores will no longer be so burdensome, and it will be easier for you financially. you will simply have something to talk about, except for what your baby did new. And also find a family psychologist. Be sure to talk with your wife, she should understand what exactly is wrong with you. start helping her in everyday life, to the best of your ability and do not forget about small signs of attention (dinner, flowers, etc.) you need to work on preserving the family if she is dear to you. do not be afraid to give your love. and no one promised easy ways after birth . and strong families are not just preserved. Love and be loved.
and wish me luck. I really want to return my husband's love and live and raise my daughter with her dad.
Well, don’t be so pessimistic. Go out on the weekend to the park where the children’s attractions are, watch the children of 3-4 years old, they are already independent individuals, it’s interesting with them !!! The first year is always difficult, a lot depends on the financial situation in the family and on the age of the parents, and of course, on the nature of the child. But everything will pass, the child will grow up and everything will be fine. Love and support each other, divorce is the easiest (
and what, apart from one pediatrician of the last century, no one else talked about these problems??? Somehow, in my opinion, this is not the most important person on this issue ... And "I-statement" or "message" does not imply the pronoun you at all. Nowhere. Not at the beginning of a sentence, not in the middle, not at the end. At least read Gippenreiter ...
You know, I want to give hope to desperate young parents. I know from my own experience that the 1st year is the most difficult. Then, believe me, it will be better. The child will be more independent, adults will be able to devote more time to each other, and the quality of relationships is also changing. Dad becomes interested in raising a child. Mom will be able to devote some time to herself. Good luck to all new parents!
Do you know what advice I want to give to married women who are about to have a baby? Divorce as soon as possible before childbirth, so as not to do it after. And unmarried people can only be envied: they will calmly raise a baby, and not twitch and sob at night because your husband is ABSOLUTELY indifferent to you, and the child, and your half-dead state. Well, of course, caring for one child is much easier than serving a husband as well. Or are you waiting for help from a man? Don't wait! The only one who can help a woman after childbirth is her mother, and if there is no such assistant, then you should rely only on yourself. Or try to save money and hire a housekeeper for at least the first months of a baby's life - unlike her husband, she will really make your life easier.
Before the birth of the child, I lived with my husband for 3 years, considered him an ideal partner, and I would never have thought that I would write such harsh and bitter reviews. But, honestly, after all that I had to endure, I dream of the fate of a single mother for my daughter. Why didn't I get divorced? And there was nowhere to go! As, indeed, so far.
And one more thing: one entertaining story on the theme of "children and husbands." One of my friends, to whom her husband, after giving birth, treated the same "attentively" and "reverently" as to me, decided to endure everything and forgive everything. But when the child was already 7 years old, the husband once came home from work and reacted with irritation to some problem related to the child, which his wife shared with him. Like, figure it out yourself! Then the wife immediately remembered everything that happened during these 7 years, and launched a frying pan at her husband. Pig-iron. It's good that he managed to hide behind the door, otherwise my friend would be sitting now. And so she just lost the door (she was pierced by a frying pan) and her husband. But if this woman regrets anything, it is about losing the door.
All the best to you, undivorced mothers. Take heart!
Once again, we quarreled with my wife ... I left her to spend the night at work. He drank beer (he is a non-drinker). Sitting. I'm crying, waiting for it to end. Where to look for help, how to deal with it. Found this article online. I felt better, even a desire to call my beloved, to talk heart to heart, in order to find a common mutual effort in the future and not bring relations to the "battle of Stalingrad." What can I say? If men read, I would like to reassure them in a purely manly way now, and support families who find themselves in a similar situation. Speaking about myself, the problem is complex, and for me it is on such a "scale" for the first time. I'm 20, my wife is older. The pregnancy was extremely difficult: three preservations, difficult childbirth, etc. particle). I love my wife very much, and with a "more-or-less" concept I reacted to the lack of sex during this period, and even more so with the difficult bearing of a child. A son was born. I am exhausted for days at work, plus study. The wife has been at home since the first month of pregnancy, and to this day. After giving birth, the situation began to cover the relationship and our family like an avalanche. I began to hide from the "invisible horror", began to linger at work until the very end, to call less often. I became out of control. I am very happy, I have been waiting for and extremely happy for the birth of my dear son. But psychologically, this avalanche, this mass of emotions, was impossible to overcome. For a period of almost 8 months, the number of "times in bed" can be counted on the fingers. But not only that, it is ABSOLUTELY not what it was a year ago (although, I confess, a couple of times the two of us carried it great) ... The problem is the same - passivity, not a desire to have sex with my wife. In my heart - I understand everything. The son gets up several (or even all eight!) times during the night - changing the diaper, chest. I'm on the bed next to me - I suffer, I don't get enough sleep. In the morning - the son is like a swallow. Seven in the morning (or even six!) - games, mobility activity. It’s difficult for my wife, just like I didn’t get enough sleep. I - to work, son - to leave for his wife. She has all about all the time half an hour to wash and morning toilet. Breakfast - and until the evening meeting. She (I feel sorry for her as a human being) with her son herself is the whole day. Walking outside didn't make up for being surrounded by four walls for the second year in a row. In the evening - I come exhausted, I get a bite to eat and rest for a maximum of an hour. Time-evening to bathe and put the child to bed (the process is also at least half an hour) to sleep. And so the "system" works for a week. It turns out that I don’t see my wife (herself), she is constantly with the child. It's very nice! And I want to be with the child, to be with my family. But we are not TOGETHER with my wife, we cannot devote enough time to each other, we cannot relax. I DON'T HAVE IT. The only thing - this is after they put the child to bed - in a half-whisper dialogues in the kitchen, both sitting as "half-dead". Not with an evil eye, today I look into the prospect of a child growing up - I don’t see anything comforting for the two of us so far. The child will grow. More attention will be needed (our charm is already starting to use its first movement and literacy skills). Accordingly, we will also get tired more. The wife is going to work when the child is one year old (I can understand her - the cry of the soul from four walls and a closed world, mirror everyday life, etc.). But that doesn't change the situation either. Today, the thought that my family is no exception has cleared my breath a little... But there is no certainty that I will return home and the world will be different...
My personal proposals are meeting me from work on the street in a stroller, a walk (although I come with the last of my strength, but, slowly, talk, walk, the desire to be here together is stronger than physical capabilities). The second is if I come late and the walk fails - bathing the child together, paternal care, so that the mother can rest. Although these half an hour do not save a maximum, in fact. It may be necessary to reconsider the approach and pastime on the weekends. Indeed, to send my beloved wife for shopping, to the cinema, to the pool somewhere, or to come up with something else ... Thus, I deprive me (of us) of spending time as a “duet” that is very necessary, but I am sure that after a short-term release of my wife from maternal worries, when she can definitely think about something of her own (unlike when we are together, she thinks how to return to the child as soon as possible and did not start crying with her grandmother while we are shopping), this will provide her with at least a couple of days ahead with "restraint", when he will not be so annoyed with me because of fatigue, he will control himself and somehow be able to unwind in general. In general, what to say? You can write a lot and for a long time, everything is not easy. Will, balance, restraint, a set of patience, courage, strength, love, a boost of energy are needed. It is natural to try to use all this "arsenal" skillfully, and it is precisely when "an opportunity arises" (and not, as always, "the time comes") to completely discharge it either with a bath with foam, massage, relaxation with candles, or just hiding together under a blanket to hug and understand the truth of strong family love, which in fact is still undoubtedly present under the "avalanche of problems and worries" ...
