How to heal from pride? The path of healing begins with the fact that you recognize the presence of pride. And not just say: "Yes, a description, as about me." Such recognition will not help you. You are at a deep level, inside yourself, discover all the signs and manifestations of pride.

Treason pain is a serious and hard test for a woman and at the same time her lesson when meeting with a treason Women's world collapses - someone for a while, someone is forever. When a woman first finds out that the husband has changed, her panic covers it. For most of you it happens

For four months now. I do not eat, I do not sleep, I do not cry. My husband has a mistress. It would seem that a banal story, but we lived happily eight years. Six of them lived together, the children did not work out, I have health problems.

But we long and stubbornly went to this. I had eight operations, then Eco in St. Petersburg. A lovely boy was born. But the husband from last summer began to rarely be at home, work, business trips, studies. I am all the time with the child. And her husband needed a "personal space". At home he only spent the night. And once a week, from Fridays on Saturday, consistently came in the morning. Walked with friends, so he spoke.

After some time, I saw SMS from the girl. She wrote that he loves him. He, of course, began to unlock, they say, runs after him, and he happel? But the site I remembered her number and called. She told me that she has plans for my husband, and she doesn't care that he has a wife and breast child. There was a scandal. But he did not admit, accused me of madness. I recorded her number, and somehow, after a couple of months I went to the walker, and I saw a photo from her by a photo in an embrace with my husband. In general, I gathered things and left the child to a removable apartment.

He asked to return, said that he made a mistake and loves us with a child. I lived in hell. Did not see the road. I had a strong vomiting, every day, three weeks in a row. I lost 13 kg, and once in the morning I just could not stand out the bed. I pulled me out only thoughts about the child. He came to us, asked to return. And then I recognize that he traveled with her on business trips, Moscow, Peter and she laid out photos with him. I died every time, learning new details. Then I learned that he traveled to her every night, the site while we lived on a removable apartment. And I did not look for this information, she herself went to my hand, as if specifically.

Once again, I tried to talk to him. He called me to his home, and I saw his bundle of condoms. I asked why you lie to me? What he heard that I was a fool that he tortured him with suspicions that he had nothing with her for a long time, he just went to her to talk. Idiotism in general. I called a taxi and went home. But driving to the house, went at its address. I did not know the number of the entrance, nor the apartment's room. Just got out of her house, and there is already his car. I called him, wrote, but he never came out. I filed for divorce. All my relatives and acquaintances say that you need to forgive him, but he does not ask for forgiveness. This moment is missed for some reason.

I do not understand why he comes with me. It is dimly and low. I asked him why it happened, the site that I did wrong? In response, he says he thought about it, and in general, he does not have any special claims. Just he needed driving. And I have only one claim for him. Why did the whole year need to be tormented by a person who was unnecessary to him? After all, it was easy to admit that I loved another.

Catherine Cold
family psychologist, Gestalt therapist, Blog author in Instagram @psyholod

Men make treason more difficult

- Are people often addressed to you who are hard to cope with treason?

- Yes, enough. In its specialization, I am a family psychologist and, indeed, often deal with confusion in the love triangle, the difficulties of mutual understanding and treason, including.

The topic is actually much more relevant than what they say. After all, she, let's say, shameful. Few people are ready to admit that this one happened. People try to survive everything in themselves, cope on their own and thus often launch the problem even more.

- And who comes with this question more often: men or women?

"It seems to me that there were more women earlier, and now men come increasingly. Perhaps this is because representatives of the strong sex in principle ceased to attend psychologists. This is no longer considered strange.

- What sex is harder to postpone treason?

- As a rule, more difficult to men. Women are more emotional, but this emotionality just helps them cope with stress. The reaction can be very violent: screams, tears, accusations - a weak floor representatives internally proceed with trouble and go on. By the way, according to statistics, women and divorces are experiencing with less emotional injuries.

In addition, think about yourself, society rarely blames a woman who has changed her husband, it is a more or less familiar situation. But if a man changes his companion, it is already soil for ridicule. So, something is wrong with a man. Often, therefore, gentlemen are not in a hurry to share with friends with their offensive and pain, while swimming on the shoulder at the girlfriend and release the entire negative for women - the usual thing.

- It happens that a woman suspects a partner in an empty place and partly decides to make imaginable treason, which suffers ...

- You know, nothing has ever arises from scratch. Female intuition with natural observation often gives a lot of tips. Simply happens when the problem of unprecedented sizes is bloated from some little things. And this is a completely different story.

It is important not to ignore the problem and your feelings.

- What is the reaction of a person on treason?

- Treason, especially unexpected, is stress (we exclude pairs that consciously choose polygamy, free relationships). And we all react differently to stressful situations.

It may be hysteria with tears (which is more characteristic of women), and aggression, anger (more characteristic of men) may also be suspended from the problem, unwillingness to talk, departure from the apartment.

It is not excluded and a protracted refusal to take the situation and their own feelings about this. Probably, this is the most dangerous reaction, since when Ignoring the problem, the efforts to drive it deeply negative emotions often manifest themselves on the physical plan in the form of diseases.

And yet it is worth distinguishing the refusal to calmly thinking about the situation. It is not necessary to beat the plates at all. Internal reflections - also recycling negativity. And this is one of the ways to solve the problem.

- Can treason lead to depression?

- The very fact of treason for depression is not enough. There must be concomitant reasons. For example, when a person knows, he guesses what they change, and is in such a situation for a long time. Or, if a person is constantly changing, and he forgives, because he loves much, or rather depends on the other because of children, due to financial, other reasons. The fact of treason is only one of the aggregate of factors.

Negative installations lead to repetition unpleasant situation

- Fear of treason, sometimes groundless, where does it come from?

- Most often it is a negative experience of past relationships, understated self-esteem ... Today, they often talk about the influence of the model of behavior of parents, when dad or mother left the family because of the third person. But I do not think it is an axiom. Not all people with such experience are afraid to repeat the script in their family.

Of course, the behavior of parents strongly affects each of us. But do not stop at the negative. It is easier to choose your own way without unnecessary concerns that many are doing. The person who vinit the parents, even that his personal life failed, just did not grow up and trying to transfer responsibility for his own destiny on others.

- Can treason serve to the new best Life?

- Positive changes occur no due to the fact that you were betrayed. Just treason launches the reassessment mechanism when awareness comes that, in addition to the relationship, which has been given too much strength, there are other areas of life, interesting and exciting. And they can also develop, they bring pleasure (career, children, hobbies, travel, and so on).

But it happens differently when installations appear in the head: "I am a loser", "all the guys goats", "all traitors". If you allow such installations, it automatically repeats unpleasant situations.

Who broke and build

- If someone in a pair begins with relationships and eventually some intrigue appears, with the correct behavior of the second party, the conservation of the Union is possible. Sometimes in the consciousness of the traitor himself there is a serious revaluation of values. Feelings can even flare up with a new force.

- what does it mean proper behavior?

- It, of course, conditionally correct. There is no clear ideal action plan. However, I would recommend the following:

• Invite the separation to the traitor. Even if you do not want it.

If you are applied unacceptable with you, it is important to show that you do not agree to such an attitude. Demonstrate that they are ready to let go of a partner, since he is missing something. Otherwise, subconsciously your forgiveness will be perceived by a person as a matter of course and can even turn into the system.

• Dispensaries. If you can leave - it's great. If not, at least move into a separate room, in general, limit your territory.
• Do not immediately run in the pharmacy for antidepressants. Better talk to your loved ones, try to distract. If you feel that you are very bad - consult a psychologist.
• Remember who broke, to build. If you are the road to a person, he will try to return you. Self try to restore the relationship to loyal people do not advise. The probability is too great to return to the same cable.

• Take for yourself the fact of treason And what, perhaps, a beloved person chose another destiny. Forcibly or persuasion, it is impossible to return love. Release, it hurts and difficult, but it needs to be done.
• In no case do not take blame for yourself. Often people start thinking and saying: "I was bad wife"," I was not enough for it, "" I have a terrible character and everything because of this. " But some even (if you take for examples of men) begin to ask the woman with gifts, do surprises, apologize and so on.

It is impossible to reinforce the negative actions of a person. This is at least a satellite can be brought to the idea that it loves him only when he changes. All this happens, of course, unconsciously. The harder it is difficult to dissuade him. It's like a dog Pavlova: action and reinforcement of the reaction. We largely form a partner's habits.

• Do not pretend. If you feel that you can not forgive, so say: "I can't yet, I need time." And in fact, each of us needs time to adapt to the situation, understand something important for yourself. And all this time is different.
• Not easy, but an effective way: Try to switch your attention to something else. This is true, it is difficult, something from the category: "We need more vegetables and fruits." They know everything - perform units.

And yet try emotionally involve in another activity: find the hobby, offer a new project at work, go out sports, more attention to children, the main thing is that it really captured you.

Ask yourself: Do you like a partner too much or depends on it?

- They say, you can forgive only once.

- You can forgive you how much. The question is how long you can forgive. Any patience sooner or later comes an end. Taking a person again, remember: new relationships should be qualitatively different. You forget the old one, do not remember and all the more do not stand the satellite with the fact of treason and start a story with a blank sheet. But if everything comes back to the circles, is it worth turning this scarmer infinitely? Not sure.

- In what cases is it better to part forever?

The second option is regular treason. If you are constantly betrayed, and you forgive - how can we talk about strong bonds? Even if you are convincing yourself that you just love partner too much. Rather, you are too dependent on it. After all, by the good will, hardly anyone will agree to such an appeal. By the way, there are people who are like their nature. They all the time pulls left, and they can not, and sometimes they just do not want to change something.

I am not a supporter to immediately apply for a divorce in the event that a pair is long together if there are children and a lot in common. Hurry up, however, it is not worth a hurry, but even in such a situation, to protect yourself, to show that you cannot be so impossible to offer parting, at least just offer, show that you are ready for this final. Such a reaction works like a cold shower for a traitor, it begins to understand that the game is playing, but everything can collapse.

In its naivety, some people agree on free relationships, on love triangles, various kinds of experiments, hoping that with the time the chosen one would understand what was wrong, and will refuse all nonsense. But the miracle, as a rule, does not happen. If you are internally not really ready for such a relationship, it is better not to start them.

- How do traitors feel?

- Most of them sooner or later feel the feeling of guilt. There is no it only in those situations when a person even decided to betray that the old relationship was outlined and no feelings are no longer to the previous partner. But if even the slightest doubts remained, the wines are a constant and sometimes tormenting satellite. But it is precisely a traitor subject to the resurrection of relationships. We all make mistakes, a person should always have a second chance.

Jealousy is normal. But if she arises without reason and prevents living, then we can talk about the fear of treason. And if he is obsessive, then you need to immediately begin to fight him, so as not to lose your loved one!

What is treason taxtime? How not to confuse it with other states?

First, it is necessary to immediately find out than the fear of treason differs from the fear of loneliness, simple jealousy or. So, remember, in what situations a sense of jealousy arises? If this happens when you see your man in the society of another woman, or when he, for example, talks with a male colleague on the phone, and you are jealous, then this is the most common jealousy, albeit not quite reasonable. If you are in principle do not believe your husband (not only in the case when he assures you in his loyalty), then most likely it is distrust of your part.

If you are scared not so much the idea of \u200b\u200binfidelity, how much is the prospect to remain alone, then surely in this case there is precisely the fear of loneliness. But if your head does not leave the idea of \u200b\u200byour head that your favorite change you Or wants to change even if you spend almost all the time with it and control it, then this is the very real fear of treason, and very intrusive.

We act!

So, you can safely say: " I'm afraid my husband changes" You are on the right track, as you recognize that the fear takes place. But this is not all. Such a phobia can destroy relationships at one point. So if you do not want it, then with fear you need to fight. But how?

1. Ask at yourself: "Why am I do not trust my husband? ". Perhaps he really gives reassigns for jealousy or even changed once (or repeatedly)? Then to inhabit the resentment and the fear of repetition will be difficult. Decide for yourself if you can live with it and not remember this incident constantly. If not, it may be better to complete such relationships. After all, the most often treason is repeated. If you want to try to save the relationship, you can.

2. Back to the past. Try to remember at what moment or after which events you have appeared fear of treason. For example, perhaps your father left mom to his mistress. Or, perhaps, your ex-husband Or the guy has changed you, causing a strong pain. If so, it is worth understanding that the past is the past. And you do not need to think that what happened then will repeat again. Release old life! In addition, it is not necessary to think that all men are the same, and Nature itself ordered that they are all polygamans and are prone to infidelity. This is not true! Find a living example of love and devotion (perhaps your grandparents lived all my life together, keeping our own loyalty) and make sure that all people are different.

3. Are you satisfied with your appearance? Perhaps the cause of jealousy and obsessive fear of treasonit lies in your numerous complexes and elementary uncertainty. Naturally, if you do not like yourself, you doubt that someone else can do it. So start with yourself, lose weight, if necessary, change the wardrobe, buy new cosmetics, change something in your appearance. Become a beautiful and attractive, look at yourself in the mirror with pleasure and smile. Get sexy and skillful mistress! And you finally understand that it makes no sense to change the beautiful and beloved woman who suits everything.

It remains only to add that if the above tips do not help, it may make sense to seek help to a psychologist. But you need to fight fear anyway.